Altschmerz

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem captures a quiet, introspective moment with a focus on an elusive internal feeling. The theme of a persistent, subtle ache that lingers beneath the surface is relatable and effectively conveyed through the imagery of a "tiny vacant empty spot" and the whispering voice.

To enhance the poem's impact, consider the following suggestions:

1. **Line Breaks and Structure:** The poem currently reads as a series of couplets with a steady rhythm. Introducing varied line lengths or strategic breaks could heighten the emotional tension. For example, isolating the whispered phrase "I'm still here." on its own line (which you have done) is effective; similar treatment might be applied earlier to emphasize key moments.

2. **Word Choice and Imagery:** Phrases like "thing inside my head" and "thing that's buried down inside" are somewhat vague. Replacing "thing" with more specific or evocative language could deepen the reader's connection. For instance, naming the feeling (e.g., "a shadow," "a hollow," "a ghost") or using metaphor might provide stronger imagery.

3. **Sound and Rhythm:** The poem has a gentle, contemplative rhythm, but some lines feel slightly cumbersome due to length or repetition ("I find myself wondering" appears twice). Streamlining these lines or varying sentence structure could improve flow.

4. **Emotional Depth:** The poem hints at a persistent internal struggle but remains somewhat abstract. Adding sensory details or exploring the emotional consequences of this "dull ache" might make the experience more vivid and immersive.

Overall, the poem effectively evokes a quiet, restless mood. With attention to specificity and rhythmic variation, it could gain greater resonance and clarity.

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Hello thanks for the share

your poem expressed ideas we all have felt sometimes

keep writing 

Sen99

a new word! I know it may seem like you have too many commas already, but I think that you can add a few more. Remember that your punctuations are the directions for the reader; slow down, hit the gas... stop! Remember, read it aloud to yourself; if there is a pause, mark it!

On solitary, late quiet nights, as I lie awake in bed
I find myself wondering about this thing inside my head.

I find myself wondering, about this thing, that's buried down inside.
Underneath everything else, deep down, where it likes to hide.
[I added a beat, with the [underneath].

There's a tiny, vacant, empty spot, that's keeping me awake

A barely noticed, but always present, silent... crying ache

Refusing to be ignored, it whispers in my ear,
"Why don't you come and visit me? because I am still here."

Just a few suggestions, hope they help.

The story has a familiar ring to it, my wife tells it to me all the time. 
~ Geezer.

Hello, and welcome to Neopoet!

I have to disagree with AI regarding the suggestions to give "thing" a more specific name - I think "thing" is extremely evocative for such a feeling that annoys and puzzles us.  I think it also adds depth and extra feeling to that haunting final line.

Thank you!

Lavender