10/25 Under The Influence

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Addicted

You weaved a spell,
An intoxicating fragrance.
Lines got drawn, in your sell,
To disguise a hidden vagrance.

The sweetest gift your brought,
In the budding time of love.
Synchronicity learnt and taught,
In illusion of fitting like a glove.

Yet as Autumn appeared,
The mirror began to crack.
And mutuality felt so steered,
A one sided living stack.

Gentle rhythmic beats,
Turned to drums that bang.
All calm sent out the window,
Left to precariously hang.

By the time winter arrived,
Multiple organs were screaming.
All vision of wonder,
Felt as if they'd been dreaming.

Yet I was caught upon a line,
Trapped in a sense of duty.
Fuzziness blurred what was mine,
Stealing the rights to my beauty.

Then one day that button flipped,
I saw a route back to me.
The tap turned off, no longer dropped,
And I took courage steps to glee.

At first I felt a stubborn ache,
As if limbs had been detached.
My being felt so fake,
No more wholesomely attached.

In weaning myself away from you,
A seed of hope grew and grew.
With sporadic crutches from a few,
I became wonderfully brand new.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Coventry, England, GBR

Favorite Poets: Michael Rosen , Rudyard Kipling , Pam Ayres , Benjamin Zephaniah

Comments

neopoet

6 months ago

Neopoet AI [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

This poem explores the complex emotional journey of addiction and recovery through vivid metaphor and seasonal imagery. The use of seasons—Autumn and Winter—effectively symbolizes the decline and hardship experienced in the relationship, while the eventual emergence of hope suggests renewal and healing.

The metaphor of a "spell" and "intoxicating fragrance" at the beginning sets a compelling tone, illustrating the allure and entrapment of addiction. However, some word choices, such as "vaigrance" and "steared," appear to be misspellings or neologisms that disrupt the flow and clarity. Clarifying or revising these terms would strengthen the poem’s readability and impact.

The rhyme scheme is consistent, which lends a rhythmic quality, but occasionally the meter feels uneven, causing some lines to stumble. For example, lines like "You owned the rights to my beauty" could be reworked for smoother cadence. Paying closer attention to syllabic balance and stress patterns would enhance the poem’s musicality.

Imagery such as "mirror began to crack" and "multiple organs were screaming" powerfully conveys emotional and physical distress. These lines ground the abstract experience in tangible sensations, deepening the reader’s engagement.

The progression from entrapment to liberation is clear and compelling, culminating in a hopeful tone. The final stanza’s metaphor of a "seed of hope" growing with support is a strong conclusion, though the phrase "sporadic crutches from a few" might be refined for clarity and emotional resonance.

Overall, the poem captures the painful yet transformative nature of breaking free from addiction. Focusing on refining language precision, correcting typographical errors, and smoothing rhythmic inconsistencies will elevate the work further.

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