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Joy in the passing
Have you ever tasted blood?
One that's flowing through your veins,
That somehow, through the smallest cut
Which breaks the cycle, lets it escape
Do you know the element?
That's letting the flavor be born
And touches soft cells of your tongue
Through vessels ripped like with a thorn.
It can be born in just one place,
It can be born through death alone.
In the entire Universe -
- Only in dying star's core.
So next time when you bite your lip,
Think of that universal breath
And wonder how is that to live
Thanks to the brightest objects' death.
Find time to celebrate your life,
Through love, through beauty and through passion,
And sometimes think of what has died
For you to find joy in the passing.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Critiques
Whiskey and Ink
1 week 2 days ago
I love this. Your poem…
I love this. Your poem beautifully connects an intimate, visceral moment—tasting blood from a bitten lip—to the cosmic scale of dying stars creating the iron inside us. It has an incredible emotional hook, and it can be made even stronger just by smoothing out a few bumpy rhythms in the lines and replacing a couple of repeated words (like "born") to let the imagery truly flow.
But in all honesty, this is perfect.
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
hahah, honestly it was a…
hahah, honestly it was a moment of my breakthrough, night after something that showed me the scale of the universe in a closed room of ten people with the wool between us.. I couldn't sleep and was biting my lip over it. and thought of how far that iron on my tongue has traveled.
thank you so, so much, your opinion is so much for me, much love <3
A Hot Photon
1 week 2 days ago
Wow, what a theme to focus…
Wow, what a theme to focus on! Especially the last few lines, they really resonated with me. You have a handle on imagery. Love it. Maybe it can be smoothed over by handling line breaks better so some ideas can better get their spotlight.
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
Thank you so much for your…
Thank you so much for your words. I have tendency to think of the cosmos since I was a kid, before I could even read hahah. so - I believe there'll be more of that topic in my creation
A Hot Photon
1 week 2 days ago
So did I! I still do too…
So did I! I still do too. Everything in my room is space-themed and I would listen to hour-long Carl Sagan vids
A Hot Photon
1 week 2 days ago
So did I! I still do too…
So did I! I still do too. Everything in my room is space-themed and I would listen to hour-long Carl Sagan vids
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
speaking of... it's…
speaking of... it's beautiful how everything is infinite.. and still expands, right? wonderful
A Hot Photon
1 week 2 days ago
I don’t know how that sent…
I don’t know how that sent twice
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
maybe some things just…
maybe some things just double in the universe... I was born under gemini so hahahah
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
maybe some things just…
maybe some things just double in the universe... I was born under gemini so hahahah
D. A. Piotrowski
1 week 2 days ago
I clicked 'save' twice…
I clicked 'save' twice quickly and mine doubled too so that might answer our question lol
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