Six Minutes

I think you should make one more stanza/couplet for a stronger finish. On the first stanza line 4, I'd write: "causing my heart to diminish" for improved flow. The second stanza is a little different, I'd do something like: "Suffocating, this blind panic Overloading my senses Brain giving up the fight Seizure gripping the heart" The third stanza, maybe the last two lines could be: "Glassy gaze, proves I must Be no longer living" Well, I know you don't know me very well, so I won't be offended if I'm told to get sent up a river, but I hope these suggestions help with your ideas. Peace and love Lil Z

Instead of: causing heart to diminish How about: heart begins to fail (or seize) I think you have a very good start here. I think Lil Z's ideas are good. I hope I have helped you, some. Always, Cat

I really really liked this one ive done a smallish edit on this one and they are just suggestions .. if you like any of them your welcome to them I think this has the potential to be one of your best poems love and hugs JayCee Furiously swimming against the tide flailing contrary to your affections I gasp at the futility of breathing lungs will fail Suffocate in blind panic overload my senses and my brain gives up the fight as a seizure grips my heart My body and soul give in with fraught features and this blank gaze proves I am ... dead (“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson quote)

Think I'll rate final edit.This is a good write as is, but since you asked for it here's my 2 cents.line 7:change "overload" to overloaded and delete"my" line 8:delete"and" line 11:delete"and" Last 2 lines try:proving my life has passed........isolating "passed"emphasizes life changing to a new level.Hope you can use some of this,if not no hard feelings....scribbler

DEAR lOU, I'm late sorry i'm away at the weekends in the fresh,as Florence is around 40 This poem is excellent as its empathy of someone who is losing they're life! I nearly drowned in Barbados,as my blow up bed took me out to sea,but obviously after a bit of drama baywath style i am here to tell the tail! I love it lou it has brought back fond memories of my life saver! Dear Friend with much love always shirl.... shirley harrison

In my opinion, you need to start it a few seconds before. But captured the terror of drowning VERY well, good read. Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!