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travels with myself (and no one else) 1

Manhattan
early summer, late evening
the east village, St. Marks place
double espresso, no cream

he was very wealthy
yet un employed
surrounded by humanity
still all alone
famous
but never recognized

a life like an epic novel
with plot twists and turns
and page turning interest
the chapters were intense
but never in order

he sat in the corner
tapping at a laptop
then stretched his arms
above a hairless head
to endorse a description
and compare a decision

Brooklyn, Park Slope
Flatbush and Decatur
Antonios pizza,one slice
a stroll to the subway
the Q train to herald square
two blocks from Penn station

on the train
at the laptop again
stand clear of the closing doors
the seven thirty nine
tickets please
the verse ends here
but the story begins
the final stop
on the North Jersey coastline.......











— nomad collapse, Jul 13, 2010

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

xena465

xena465

15 years 11 months ago

Welcome to Neo Nomad

This is a really great write, but it needs some revision, e.g. places, cities, names etc; needs to have a capital letter and you need spacing between your commas. If you’d like some help, I’d gladly do this for you. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell
xena465

xena465

15 years 10 months ago

Dear Nomad

Fabulous edit and what a big difference to the read, you already had/have a great write, but there are just a few more things I hope you don’t mind me mentioning... Your need spaces after your commas, and these lines... and compare a {descision} ……………….[decision] Antonios pizza,one slice ………………[Antonio’s] two blocks from {penn} station ………………[Penn station] ...just want to help. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell
nomad collapse

nomad collapse

15 years 10 months ago

i tried your suggestion with

i tried your suggestion with the commas and it just didnt look right.the capitalization did. always good to see through different eyes.thanks
xena465

xena465

15 years 10 months ago

Hi Nomad

When you write sentences like this ... Manhattan early summer,late evening the east village,St. Marks place double espresso,no cream ...with no spaces they’re all stuck together like one continuous word. If you write it like this... Manhattan early summer, late evening the east village, St. Marks place double espresso, no cream ...it separates them to make more sense. If you copy your poem onto a Word document it will show you this is the correct way. ...just want to help. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell
nomad collapse

nomad collapse

15 years 10 months ago

OK i took a second look and

OK i took a second look and you are right.much more harmony. my apostrophe key doesnt work so there is nothing i can do about that.thanks again.
xena465

xena465

15 years 10 months ago

Oh dear sorry...

It's not the apostrophe you need, all you need to do is to make a space with the space bar after the commas in your lines that have the commas. PS. Sorry, silly me. You've already done that, but not with all of them in other lines. You can slap my hand for not checking first. As you know I really just want to help you. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell