DawningDaytripper

Jul 10, 2010 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Free me

I wanna be free, so freakin bad, No rules, and runnin full balls not confined by any four walls Free from the terminally sad A life without fear or regrets, lackin such stupid random frets Walkin the line of the ravin mad Pieces of me, fall to the side sent for a hellish cartoon ride I jumped in front of the train to glad Now just a wreckage of ego’s past vested in things that never last I really wanna be free, so freakin bad…..

— DawningDaytripper, Jul 10, 2010

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

Critiques

xena465

16 years ago

Hi Julie

It's really strange, this poem sounds like a cry from me and the strange thing is, my new poem is similar except that it states that I’ve lost the will to want anything other than I’ve resigned my life to be. Wonderful write Julie. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Thanks for your kind words

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts Rosina, I shall go read yours right now! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

lou

16 years ago

Jules

I hear what your saying !!! I want to be free to. Just one tweak though, line 4 could say free from the terminally sad. love ya lou xx

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Thanks for the thought, I

Thanks for the thought, I shall think on it Lou, thanks. Your the best. Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

themoonman

16 years ago

Julie...

Great poem! I did have a couple of thoughts while reading it and I know you are open for suggestions, so here goes... I would add a comma after "free", in the first line, and remove the "'" after your words that you have purposely left the "g" off of, don't really know why that is there. "Terminal", I think the correct version of the word for the sentence would be "terminally", but it seems as if you are trying to make it a train stop, so it may need another look to send that image. Pieces of me, fallin to the side, sent on a hellish cartoon-like ride (a suggestion) I missed the train to living glad but not the wreckage of ego's past, vesting in things that never last. (just a suggestion) great poem Julie! with or without the suggestions, it delivers, and that is it... isn't it! Richard

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

I will be applying most of

I will be applying most of your suggestions shortly Moonman, and THANK you for your suggestions and thoughts. MUCH appreaciated, your so good to me! :-)! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

themoonman

16 years ago

Julie...

as you know I only make suggestions, I'm glad you liked what you did, but it's more important that you are happy with the end result... great poem Julie! Loved the content, such an easy one for me to relate to... damn trains. Richard

Seren

16 years ago

Dear Julie

Girl you could rap this one ? try it :) it worked for me lol wonderful work I agree with Richard great work though I loved the rhythm of this one love and big hugs JayCee x x x x (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

I kinda thought so to Jayne!

I like Moonmans suggestions too, I shall be applying the asap! Thanks for stoping by, Luv ya! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Geezer

16 years ago

It's not the last...

train outta here! There is one at the same time every day, at DAWN ! LOL I loved it, and couldn't resist the play on words. Love ya, ~ Gee

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

LOL, GEE. You are so right!!

LOL, GEE. You are so right!! I have to say I am not feeling so confined today either, THANK GOODNESS!! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Ayaz Warith

16 years ago

Great Julie

A very beautiful poem, Julie. And I am with Moonman in suggestion. Rhyme scheme is really nice. Ayaz Warith

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Thanks Ayaz, I will stop in and say hi later.

Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Candlewitch

16 years ago

Dear Julie

I was reading through your comments after I read your poem. (I just love Richard for his willingness to help.) I know what you mean, wanting to be free. this poem resonates in me. My favorite lines: Now just a wreckage of ego’s past vested in things that never last I really want to be free, so freakin bad….. Always, Cat

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Thanks Cat, I agree with

Thanks Cat, I agree with Richard mostly too. He is super! I appreaciate you thoughtful comment, I will make sure to stop in on you later and see what your working on! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Tonya Greenlee

16 years ago

Hey Julie, love the theme

of your poem. Heehee.. I think we all want Be free from everything sometimes. Free from laundry, the kids, the cleaning Etc…etc..etc.. (not that we don’t love them all, just sometimes they are all Overwhelming when they come at us all at once…) I think (only suggestions and I offer them because I do like the poem so much) but I would like for you to keep the colloquial slang up throughout the whole poem. In the first line… “I want be free, so freakin bad” maybe… ‘I wanna be free, so freakin bad’ Line 6… drop the g in lacking to lackin’ like you have in line 7’s Walkin’ And ‘raven’… ravin’? Line 9.. just leave out like to ‘sent on a hellish cartoon ride Then the last… ‘ I really wanna be free, so freakin’ bad’ Just suggestions.. I wanna be free too… let’s go together? Lol Always, Tonya

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Thanks Tonya, I struggled

Thanks Tonya, I struggled with my choice of want or wanna, I think I will take your suggestion of using wanna on for size. And your right about the g on lacking, somehow I missed it. I working on it in word, then switching. As for raven, I kinda did that on purpose, BUT is not working how I wanted, so will switch it back. Thanks. And same with using Like, Richard suggested using it. I thought I would try it. But I don't think it works either. Now. And that was a cute suggestion for my last line, THANKS, much appreaciated! Long time no see Tonya, I will make sure to stop by and say hi to you later and see what you have been writing! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Tonya Greenlee

16 years ago

I Like the changes,

Like Richard said, is important for you to be happy with it too! I just liked consistancy with the language. Think it's a great short poem. I didn't think of the connotation of 'raven' like bird free.... maybe that is a cool play on words.. hmmmm... up to you! lol. I would be very pleased to have your opinion on my new writes. Has been a very long spell. Just a lot going on, finally, maybe things are settling down. Hope so anyways! Good to be back. Always, Tonya

hobo

16 years ago

I think of the train

My friend you touched my soul with this poem, I look for the train all the time. great write and read *You can never pick anyone up if you are busy putting them down*

Eternity Of Black

16 years ago

On;y the dead have seen the

On;y the dead have seen the end of war-Plato Well, i figured i owed you a comment since you comment just about everything i write. Good poem, a little light for me(you know what i mean lol) but it was pretty good. Some nice underlying dark themes and i like your repetition. Also, possible i may join the next live chat, or one of the upcoming ones. Might be nice to talk to some of you outside of comments. BOOM, comment city.

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Wow do I feel special. HI

Wow do I feel special. HI ETERNITY! Yes you did owe me a comment or TEN! But who's countin, RIGHT! Really I don't count, but I am estatic to see you on my page. First off, I know exactly what you mean, I write all fluffy compared to what you write. We should collaborate someday, see what we could inspire from eachother, maybe My eternity of black could find a softer edge, maybe I could find a harder one! LOL. And I would love to see you in chat, and I am so serious I just about typed your real name. He he, I feel so privliged to even know it. Heheheheh. We have a dark poetry night, I think the last saturday of every month. Hosted by our friend Geezer. ITS SO COOL, in a dark bad ass sort of way of coarse. They are even interviewing me for chat Neonight at the end of the month, I know isn't that hilarious. Privlidged and hilarious that is. I can't wait, all embaresed but SO excited. I love Neo!! Wow I saw your post the other night, but didn't have the chance to make it over. Busy, busy,.. He he. I should do that more often I like it when you show up! I will drop on by later for sure now! Your so good at teasing me just enough to make me want for more, bab boy you! By the way, your last peice I did read. Major talented Rap, I realy can't believe more people don't read your work..... even if it is twisted nightmare stuff. Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Eternity Of Black

16 years ago

On;y the dead have seen the

On;y the dead have seen the end of war-Plato I'll try to get on the july 16th chat. Lol, and i meant i like your rhyme scheme, not repetition in my first comment(slaps self on the head). I liked the one line, then two line style, might have to use that sometime.

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Wow, its a double take.

Wow, its a double take. Cool, I like that ryhme scheme two, thanks. I would love to see how you use it! See you in chat!! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

I will try to catch you in

I will try to catch you in Friday the 16th chat, and just so you know the Dark theme chat with Gee, is on Sat the 17 8-10 pm NY est, so 5-7 pacific. It would be cool to see you there, I know you would have stuff to contribute to the darkside!! Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in Live chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

Join Neopoet to leave a critique

Neopoet is a free community of poets who critique and support each other's writing.

Join free Log in