The Bride Has Many Veils

The title is good, its what brought me to your poem. Language use is generally good, but a few bits of raw truth... 1. "Which hide her true nature"..."which" is very passive, lose it and use the word "hiding" instead of "hide". This will give the beginning more focus and impact. 2. "She is the soul in darkness She is the mirror of a thousand dawns She tests men with her tricks" Too many "she"s. Try something like "She is the soul in darkness, The mirror of a thousand dawns Who tests men with her tricks" -------------------------------- 3. "She is a spirit in the desert Or the ruins of a city The city of your inner being The sanctuary of a lost saint" How about something like "She is a spirit in the desert, Water in the ruins of a city, Whose remnants are your inner being Thirsting for a sanctuary" or something similar that builds upon the desert/city image? 4. I would lose the last two lines altogether; they do not seem to fit, to me. Perhaps the darkness you speak of is another of her many veils? The rhythm is good, so is the theme. I like the beginning, but the last two lines, as I said, do not fit. I would like to see what other kinds of veils she has too, not just the first one. I would like to see her, what she is like when those veils are stripped away, as well. Hope this helps. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Sounds like a succubous, dont think I spelled that right. good poem!