Welcome to Toledo, Ohio (layover)

"Alone in Toledo: not really, several hours we pulled into a stark greyhound bus terminal" "drifters dragging hustling babies, myself included marched uniformly towards departure gates" sleepy stumbling some with uncombed hair buckwheat and tiny topsy couple of mathematics geeks in front one smelled of pee assume a weak bladder he stank! they're chat bout bet the "Hindu" only one to figure a math question exempting everyone else black and spanish with an exception to an asian kid squatted on the floor playing video game stood looking at the surroundings listening wasting mind waiting watching each person however brief not brief enough peculiar couple of Hillbillies said from Kalamazoo matching pinstripe hats with skeletons along the side an ugly lost face present his wife kids off the side giggled tried not to notice the husbands greedy grin cigarette breath in my face "I'm Hank." like I care a partial smile continued reading vibe magazine inching his way to tell me they're adventures like i care but listened hitchhiking across the Mid-West Rocky Mountains with only one red nap sack somehow lucked befriend them with tickets I'm certain lifted from an unknown unsuspecting pocket head still in the hotel room manage a sneak preview "Hank kept talking, the wife holding her flabby tits as though someone to suck" I held tightly to nympho thoughts jarred back to Toledo over a loud speaker "Attention all passengers headed East please remove tickets." "First boarding call for gate number 7." happy to end Hank's empty conversation ready to leave Toledo © 2010 Lepadah

— Lepadah, Jul 07, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: New York

Favorite Poets: Rumi, Gil Scott Heron, Felipe Luciano, Walt Whitman, Ginsberg, Kerouac, Neruda, Walker, Troupe, James Baldwin etc . . .list endless

Critiques

Race_9togo

15 years 11 months ago

Hello

I seldom comment on or critique any poem whose author does not want the raw truth. This poem, however, is so good that I am breaking my usual rule. I'm going to assume that you want the raw truth; if you do, well and good, if not, please accept my apologies. First of all, this is very, very, very good. I actually was stuck in the Toledo Dog Depot nearly 30 years ago, and you took me right back there, vividly and intensely. This could use some punctuation. Not a lot, but enough to focus the mind on certain aspects of the visual journey. For Instance: "alone in Toledo not really several hours we pulled into a stark greyhound bus terminal" "Alone in Toledo: not really, several hours we pulled into a stark greyhound bus terminal" I would put some of the single words on the same lines, so that the poem flows more smoothly: "drifters dragging hustling babies myself included marched uniformly towards departure gates" "drifters dragging hustling babies, myself included marched uniformly towards departure gates" "some with uncombed hair atop head" - "atop head" isn't needed, since "uncombed hair" tacitly implies its location. Capitalize "hank" - he's so damned vivid you made me shiver with memory! "hank kept talking the wife holding her flabby tits as though someone to suck" "Hank kept talking, the wife holding her flabby tits as though for someone to suck" - excellent visual here. I'll leave the rest to you, some grammatical and syntax errors, and spelling. I cannot stress enough how good I think this is. Again, if this is too much, apologies. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Lepadah

15 years 11 months ago

Regarding comment

Hello Jim, Thank you so much for the critique I truly appreciate the critique. I will make the necessary corrections asap. I enjoy your honesty look forward to future comments. Peace always 1 Lydia

Race_9togo

15 years 11 months ago

RespectfullyJim“Laws and

Oops, hit the wrong button, lol. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race