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Pugilist

Jul 06, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Forever is Too Short a Word

Forever is Too Short a Word

A last breath like eternity
And I bathe in retrospection
With memories of soft sunshine
And campfires comforting twilight.

With caresses of hands entwined
And the warmth of a loving heart
That kindles the spark in my soul
As new laughter sears like lightning.

And then, as with all fever dreams,
This stolen moment unravels
And like kindling, we are consumed
In the rage of Armageddon.

Motivation and Focus.

The was constructed as an example of a entry into the July 2010 Neopoet.com contest. The rules for this contest are below:

    * Blankish Verse – Simile
          o Exactly 12 lines
          o No metaphor allowed
          o No rhyming allowed
          o Can be any meter
          o Subject = Fire
          o Contest code = 073110

The subject of the poem had to be fire and, as is my wont, I approached the subject from a more oblique angle. Careful review will find that each stanza has a reference to fire in it and each stanza contains an example of simile. I had a tough time with this entry mostly because I was looking for a different take on the subject and I am so used to metaphor that I had difficulty in avoiding it.

I enjoy blank verse so, once I got the simile issue under control, the biggest challenge was to tell a story in 12 lines. Luckily for me this is a medium in which I often work so I was able to structure the intro, reflection, conclusion in a manner I believe works and is a bit poignant.

By selecting common memories that we have all share, I hoped to have this poem connect with people in a subtle manner so that when the ending was revealed the shock was greater. The goal was to have the reader consider "what if this happened to me? Would I look back as peacefully?"

And, finally, this is an observational piece of a moment captured. It means nothing beyond the reflections of a person the moment before death. For those who wonder, "where is the poetry in that?" I'd ask them to consider a photograph of a sunset. The beauty is in the moment captured, not that ending.

— Pugilist, Jul 06, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

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Critiques

15 years 11 months ago

Dear Jonathan

I think you have done a wonderful job with this piece. A great example. My favorite lines: The caress of a hand entwined And the warmth of a loving heart That kindles the soul with a spark As new laughter sears like lightning. Always, Cat

15 years 11 months ago

Cat

Thanks much for the review. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Hello Jonathan

A nıce pıece as ıt stands - how you manage to adhere to all those rules I have no ıdea! Good wrıte Bonıta j

15 years 11 months ago

Bonita,

It all comes with practice. That's what I like about the contests and is the reason I compose an example for each contest. It forces me out of my comfort zone and into a more open view of creativity. Once you realise the rules do not hinder but give you an arena of complete freedom, it's easier to explore that freedom and come up with ideas you'd never had considered. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Professor Purple

Professor Purple

15 years 11 months ago

Not just a bit poignant!

My favourite stanza is the last one, but this line: "As new laughter sears like lightning" just stopped me dead in my tracks. Beautiful! When I read your "Motivation and Focus" section at first I thought you did use metaphors, now I'm not sure. I'll be reading up on metaphors and similes and then I'll enter the contest too. I find the title amusing: a longish title that says a word is short. It certainly works well with the poem. A great read, one that deserves to be read much more than once. Antoine

15 years 11 months ago

Antoine

Thanks for the review and comment. I'll have to take a look at the poem for any accidental metaphor and if you have a phrase or line you believe is so, please let me know and I'll review it in light of your questions. I love metaphor and allegory so it is easy for me to slip them in without realising it. The line you highlighted, it was a struggle to get the intent I wanted within the meter I'd chosen without it sounding stilted and unnatural. I'm glad it had an affect on you. Thanks again. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

A

anonymous1

15 years 11 months ago

Question re: Rhyming

When we say rhyming, do we mean strictly end-rhyming? Can we use internal rhyming? Half rhyming? Your example has two lines in half-rhyme: And the warmth of a loving heart That kindles the soul with a spark At least that's the way I understand half-rhyme, please correct me if I'm wrong... Thanks, Lisa

15 years 11 months ago

Lisa

Excellent question. I would have to say we'd have to let half-rhymes slip past, not because I don't want to re-write the lines but because one accent may cause some words to half or near rhyme where another accent would have the same words not even considered. For contest purposes, and consistent pattern of rhyming is not allowed. Deliberate end and internal rhymes should be avoided. Incidental one-off rhymes will be evaluated on a case by case basis. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

A

anonymous1

15 years 11 months ago

Fair enough

I understand how incidental rhymes may work themselves in. It's truly difficult to avoid. Should be an interesting contest. Thanks, Lisa

15 years 11 months ago

I’m impressed. Most of

I'm impressed. Most of what I have seen from you has been your "in your face" blogs. This piece is positively delightful, and you wrote it as an example. I will never understand the workings of the male mind.

15 years 11 months ago

Jetz

Just think how men feel about the female mind. To each of us it is simple, to the other it is so alien as to defy conception. But my blogs and responses in them are normally directed at things I find disturbing. My explanations and reasoning can be harsher than most like but unless I use someone's name, it's never about a person, always about a behaviour. But people are fragile creature who must at times take offense where none is meant. I do thank you for your time to review and comment, it is appreciated. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Beauregard

15 years 11 months ago

You keep throwing me these curve balls

with these meter contests Jonathan! ugh! I like the twist at the end but I don't know how I feel about you and romantic stuff (warm sunshine, soft twilight, loving heart). You write it very well; it's far from fluffy trite crap like most romantic imagery, but it always seems a little strange coming from you. I don't expect it so I'm a bit put off by it. You like raw truth, so here you have it! Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe "If technique is of no interest to a writer, I doubt that the writer is an artist." -Marianne Moore

15 years 11 months ago

Kelsey

The raw truth about me is that I am an incurable, hopeless romantic. I'm also a cantankerous old man. It's not such a dichotomy as it might sound. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Perhaps consider

"And retrospection plays it’s hand" [its, it's is only for it is, in this case] is either metaphor or even metonymy and "That kindles the soul with a spark" I think is metaphor. Overall I like the imagery and emotions, but it doesn't feel to me as though you are comfortable with blank verse, especially the first verse. I'd even go so far as to say it feels a bit cumbersome in places. It is tremendously difficult to describe in technical terms as can be done with strongly metered or rhymed verse and I would probably have to resort to things like "flow" or "elegance of word choice" which would piss both of us off. But as a regular writer of free verse I feel quite attuned to what works and doesn't. Just wish I could describe it better. I'll come back to this and see if I can offer something more specific and constructive. cheers Jess

15 years 11 months ago

Jess

Thanks for the catch. As for the suspected metaphor, I'll need to review it a bit more. And then there's the blank verse stuff. I'll need to pull apart the stanzas and lines and see how I can smooth it out. Generally I am fairly comfortable with blank verse but this was written in around an hour or so and that means it was rushed for how I write and I suspect that is the issue with the feel of the stanzas. Thanks for the review and suggestions. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

A

anonymous1

15 years 11 months ago

Or...

Is 'retrospection plays its hand' and anthropomorphic example: assigning an inanimate object a human characteristic or trait? Usually, it's an animal that takes on the human characteristic but it can also be abstract concepts. (Side Note: I've always thought of simile as being a metaphor, with the exception being that it is used with the words like or as.) Below, you have prepositional phrases: the first one modifies a noun - warmth, whereas the second modifies the verb, kindle. 'And the warmth of a loving heart That kindles the soul with a spark' So, I think, 'that kindles the soul with a spark' is an adverbial prepositional phrase and not a metaphor. The soul is not compared to a spark, you are not saying the soul is a spark. You are saying the soul was sparked by the kindling of a warm and loving heart. In metaphor, you might say: The warm and loving heart is a spark that kindles the soul. Now it's a metaphor. My, that was fun! I haven't diagrammed a sentence since 8th grade! Thanks, Lisa

15 years 11 months ago

Lisa

We are mostly on the same page here. I have a habit of anthropomorphizing, be it assigning emotions or planetary objects as living beings or attributing human characteristics to inanimate objects. As a literary device I find it very useful. As for the difference between metaphor and simile, the simplest way I can put it is with simile you say one thing has something in common with another while with metaphor you say one thing is another. The first line of "Of Quests and Hopes and Hummingbirds" has what I consider to be a good example of metaphor: http://www.neopoet.com/node/31477 But I'll review Jess' concerns because any examination of a write is worthwhile and upon review I may very well find a better way to express my intent. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Dear Jonathan

I am sure you know of my penchant for blank verse I loved your version so much ... I did this with it Within a second of eternity retrospection plays it’s hand a memory of warm sunshine glows a campfire in soft twilight. The caress of hands entwined the warmth of a loving heart kindling in the soul a spark new laughter sears like lightning. then as all my fevered dreams around eternity unravels, we are all like kindling In the blaze of Armageddon. Im experimenting with editing others work I find its easier for me to learn, by doing it hands on hope you didnt mind Love JayCee (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

15 years 11 months ago

Jayne,

I appreciate the time and review. I've used the insight you and others have provided to re-work the first and third stanzas. My only suggesting for editing is to indicate your edits. I use [brackets] to indicate word or phrase changes. That's a personal thing for me, it let's me see what modifications I am proposing as well as informing others. But in my mind, offering edits is the only way to offer a critique because it shows you've taken the time and effort to review the work, try to maintain the mindset of the poet, and offer suggestions for review. Others offer critique in different styles and I do not diminish their approach, I'm just noting that the edit approach is most effective for me. Thank you again. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Modifications

Based on some clarity and pacing issues noted I reworked the first and third stanzas. I believe it is now smoother and clearer and fulfills the intent of the image better. I appreciate all the observations and comments, it's why I am here, to give and receive solid critique from my peers and I thank you sincerely for your time and effort. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

I do believe your right it

I do believe your right it is a lot smoother ... but there is still one line I would give a tweak I will have a think on it and let you know what I come up with tomorrow ... I will start using your method of bracketing my suggestions ... I should have thought to do that ... im slowly getting there with the crit its something ive struggled with since day dot love JayCee (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

15 years 11 months ago

Jayne,

I honestly and sincerely look forward to any additional observations you have. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Dear Jonathan

I have changed my mind about my favorite verse. I now love the lines: A last breath like eternity And I bathe in retrospection With memories of soft sunshine And campfires comforting twilight. I'm afraid I am not a good critic for your poems as I am always in awe of your knowledge and skill. I read your work because I usually enjoy the fruits of your labor. Always, Cat

15 years 11 months ago

Cat,

If all you do is tell me what lines you felt worked best, that is a critique. You're not just saying you like the work, you're giving me feedback as to why and I appreciate it. And thank you for the kind words. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Apologies for the modifications

This is why it takes me a week to write a poem and why I normally work on several things at once. So I can let the them sit and review them for clarity once the cloud of creation has diminished. In this case, the 2nd stanza's opening bothered me, it was a good stanza but did not feel as it fit. Changing a couple of words smooths things out and the added punctuation in the 3rd stanza controls the pacing better. lastly, I dropped the word "blaze" in the last line. It's a tough word to use both as an image and in it's hard "z" ending and in this circumstance I came to feel as if it was redundant. I feel "rage" plays better in this and I'll do my best to keep my hands off the edit button for a day or two. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

What is not a metaphor?

What is not a metaphor? Simple seeing without comparisons or embellishments: Roses are red violets are blue thing... the rest are all metaphors we have used so often that we have forgotten they are metaphors. "we are consumed in the rage of Armageddon". Armageddon itself is a metaphor as is being consumed. Just one example. A loving heart is not warmer than 98.6 degrees (give or take a degree) as a cold heart is not *cold*. etc. etc. The warmth of a loving heart Rekindles the soul with a spark New laughter sears like lightning with caresses of hands entwined. Sometimes I find changing the placement of good lines is crucial and reinvigorating to the poem's *good bones*. ~A p.s. Oh, and sometimes you can't help but rhyme.... The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected. G.K. Chesteron

15 years 11 months ago

Anna,

In this case Armageddon is an event and rage is the process of Armageddon just as rage describes a storm. Unfortunately the line re-arrange changes the meaning because the intent of the stanza is not about re-kindling love but remembering the first hint of love's birth. There is nothing hidden with intent in this piece, it is just what it seems. That moment before destruction when our fondest memories surge through us. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

O

15 years 11 months ago

“the intent of the stanza

"the intent of the stanza is not about re-kindling love but remembering the first hint of love’s birth." Hmmmm. ~A

15 years 11 months ago

Anna,

I'm not sure I understand the confusion and/or point. The protagonist is reminiscing about the most important thing in their life right before everything ends. That's it. It's not a metaphor for anything, just an observation. I'm fairly certain of this as it was the circumstance I had in mind when I wrote the piece. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Armageddon is a fictitious

Armageddon is a fictitious place/event that is a metaphor for war/extinction. Are we speaking about your intent, my interpretation or the way in which your poem works or doesn't work as an example, sans metaphors and similies? Why did I quote that line? Because remembering *in the moment* IS rekindling love, whether or not it is the last moment.... for your edification should it matter, or should you consider it. ~ "There is a kind of mysticism to writing." ~ Irvine Welsh

15 years 11 months ago

Anna,

We'll have to disagree. Armageddon in this case is Armageddon, a real event, the end of the world. Additionally, remembering the circumstances of a love's beginning need not be a rekindling of that love. It may be so to you, it is not to me. I cannot control your interpretation, only tell you what I intended and how I used the words I used. As an example for the July contest I believe it meets the requirements. I have to say though, arguing with the author over the intent and meaning of a piece of work is an odd tactic. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Ah! Very much like the revisions and some notes on metaphor

I now like the whole poem much more.It is so subtle, a little assonance here, removing a slightly jarring consonant there, that makes it difficult to write, and crit, free verse. Just one more small suggestion That kindles the soul with a spark That kindles the soul's spark [to me the sound outweighs the scansion, although admittedly it does change the meaning slightly] Regarding metaphor and simile I don't want to sidetrack from commentary on the poem, if it starts to I'll open a blog. Lisa, you parsed the lines grammatically, correctly, but simile and metaphor are not strictly grammatical terms. Jon's correct in the simple definition that simile compares while metaphor replaces. So the line in question is a metaphor in that a spark is implied to be present. Anthropomorphism is a subset of metaphor, you might say it is metaphor using human attributes. Metonymy versus metaphor was a subject of seemingly endless and excrutiatingly boring academic debate involving lots of semiotic jargon about 10 years ago but basically metonymy is metaphor as a subset of a larger whole like "lend me your ear". As Anna points out we use metaphor so unconciously, so constantly, even in normal speech that this contest is a real challenge. Especially to avoid filling the work with "as" and "like". A suggestion for another contest, if it hasn't already been done, a poem with no simile, metaphor or even adjectives or adverbs, all structures allowed. That would be a helluva challenge. Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible,

15 years 11 months ago

Jess

I appreciate the additional observations and comments and will look at that line with an eye to smooth it out. I've got a meter constraint and an intent constraint in the line. The meter constraint is easy enough to sort out but the intent of the line is used to both complete the image of previous lines and build the image for additional lines so with that I need to be considerate of what a change will do to the picture being created. But I do appreciate the observations. Any challenge to content is good, even if all it does is make the author consider the reasoning behind word choices. After all, if we know why we are doing things they become easier to both avoid or repeat. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

Ah, I understand better now,

and I appreciate what you are doing. I guess it may be a bit irritating to you getting feedback on things you would have almost certainly fixed yourself, but as you said, you posted it a bit earlier in the process than you normally would. Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible,

15 years 11 months ago

Line 7

Yes, it bothered me too and I could not figure out why for several days. But with prodding to review it from Jess I finally stumbled upon what caused it to read poorly. The "K" at the end of of the line was causing a dissonance where I needed a smooth transition to the next line. Additionally, rearranging the word give a proximity of "K" sounds in "kindles" and "spark" which creates a near alliteration affect that further softens the "l" sound in soul which then plays into a smoother start of the word "as" in line 8. I could go into this subject further but will save it for a blog post. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

15 years 11 months ago

ah! You nailed it.

For all prodding and suggestions, sometimes we can only find the solutions ourselves. Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible,

15 years 11 months ago

Jess, et all

When I say I appreciate every serious suggestion, observation, etc, I absolutely mean it. Forcing a poet to defend their use of words should never been seen as an attack and I will never consider it anything but honest critique. At the end of it all we may disagree and I may chose to define a different path or believe a line as written is good enough but none of this diminishes the contribution of an honest critique. And an honest critique may only be "Liked X because of Y" or "I did not like Z because of A" and that is fine. Thanks again for all who forced me to review and improve this piece. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)