faithmairee

Jul 06, 2010 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

breakdown

momma, don't be angry
is it something that we did
momma, don't ignore us
as we climb on top your bed

momma, we are hungry
it is past time we were fed
momma, you can't feed us
if you don't get out of bed

we're just little children
and we do not understand
why you lie there staring
at our tiny outstretched hands

momma, please forgive us
you're so far away it seems
we're young and we don't know
just what nervous breakdown means

— faithmairee, Jul 06, 2010

About the Author

Region, Country: Florida, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Edna St. Vincent Millay, Lucille Clifton and Elizabeth Bishop

Critiques

Roscoe Lane

16 years ago

The images,

your poem throws up are so sad, but i guess all to real for some. Great poem Regards Roscoe..

faithmairee

16 years ago

Thank You Roscoe

I appreciate your honest feedback and I'm glad you liked my poem. Much love-Faith ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~

Race_9togo

16 years ago

faithmarie

Hello. The title is good, I like one-worders, they have more impact. Your language use is pretty good, but punctuation would be nice. The rhyme breaks down, here and there. The rhythm is excellent, however. The theme does not appeal to me at all, but you do it justice, enough to have kept me reading to the end. Which is no mean feat. The beginning and ending are good, but I would lose the word "just" in the last line, as it breaks the cadence quite a bit. A good write, all in all. Keep writing. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

faithmairee

16 years ago

Thank You, Jim

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my poem. I really appreciate your honesty and thank for the kind words. Faith ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~

DawningDaytripper

16 years ago

Wow, have been looking in

Wow, have you been looking in Windows Faith....JK!!!! But that was a fantastic write! I loved it. Somedays my kids create the issue, then other days they make it all worth it. Lacking in suggestions, nice flow. Julie D.D. Hello all, come and join us in chat! Meet n' greet, Neo night, lonely poems, teen night. We have something for everyone, come and meet your community!

faithmairee

16 years ago

Thanks, D.D.

Thanks so much for your wonderful remarks. You made my heart smile. Love-Faith ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~

shirley harrison

16 years ago

so very sad

dear Faith, so very sad, yet you have seen it through the eyes of a child Brilliantly written i could see the whole image too much love shirley harrison

Candlewitch

16 years ago

Dear Faithmariee

Jim has some great suggestions for you. I agree with his critique, except that the subject matter does interest me as a former abused child. Very good write. Always, Cat

faithmairee

16 years ago

There Is A Happy Ending

Thank you for your kind words, Cat. I wrote this poem based on a real life event that happened many years ago. My mother is the person in the bed. She said it was the fact we were all begging her for a peanut butter sandwhich that made her pull out of it. Love-Faith ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~

faithmairee

16 years ago

Thank You So Much, Shirley

I appeciate your wonderful comments so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Love back atcha-Faith ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~

Professor Purple

16 years ago

Ouch!

Painful to read, which is only fitting. The only tweaks I can see are "it is past time we were fed" to "'cause it's past time we were fed", I think it would be less formal and more conversation-like, more fittig with "momma", also I suggest caps on the first and third line of each verse. The title is great, and so is the rhythm. Not a pleasant theme, but a powerful one, I'm so glad the ending was a happy one. Hooked me right from the start, with "momma don’t be angry", and the ending is great too, it reinforces the child's point of view which is gripping throughout the entire song-poem. Do correct me if I'm wrong when I think of it as a song. Excellent text! Antoine

anonymous1

16 years ago

A voice for the children

Hi Faith, I'm going to come back to this tonight. I wanted to quickly say that it's a good poem and the suggestions given to make it better make sense to me. I'll be back. Thanks, Lisa

scribbler

16 years ago

breakdown

breakdowns may come and go but parenthood lasts forever.Very moving......scribbler

chumfin

16 years ago

its really sad their

its really sad their innocence did not know that momma had broken down, great imagery, regards chumfin

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