Mind

Mind, a dense forest Birds chirp, beasts roar. The air is cool. (I like this opening verse and would leave as is. It is a bit ambiguous, but , I think is a very good opening for the rest of your poem. I feel that the poem is one of chaos and confusion. A mixture of perceived reality and the dream world. Theres a sadness about it also, regarding the feeling of something (culture here) that was once great, now lost. I do believe you need to expand some of the ideas and some of the vocabulary can be expanded to reflect the idea better. I didn’t really mean to rewrite the poem.. just wanted to give you an idea of what I meant and is much easier for me to do it this way than try and explain. I added my thoughts in the parenthesis beneath each stanza.) Here blossoms the smile of sollitude (solitude spelling) Hard rocks have hearts of caves. Here see pulsating cannibal hearts, And fragrant hopes of dreams All mix up! (Here blossoms the smile of solitude Hard rock’s contain caves for hearts Pulsating cores of cannibals And fragrant hopes of dreams Merge into confusion) Colourless visions, voiceless sounds Dumped in mind’s garbage. Perfidy covers all deep puddles, Only the innocent fall and die! (Colorless visions, voiceless sounds Dumped into the minds pit of garbage Perfidy conceals all deep chasms Only the innocent fall and die) A puddle does not seem deep, i think of puddles as shallow.. Death always allures purity. (Iniquity always tempts the pure) ….Death did not seem right.. it seemed like Something evil or sinister was what you were after?) Now see, my mind’s beauty is vanished In the depth of pools bottomless. I lament over the culture Ilost (lost) The crystal-like humanity I lost. (Now, my minds beauty has vanished Into the depth of an abyssal pool I lament over the loss of culture And vanishing crystal-like humanity) Just suggestions that hopefully will help. Many of your statements seem clipped and too abrupt. I did enjoy the idea of the work. I found it really interesting and thought there were some good creative imagery. Always, Tonya

U.K. I have enjoyed reading this very finely penned metaphoric poem so very much. I love the resplendent imagery in the poem and how very finely it is expressed. A lovely satin smooth flow makes this a beautiful poetic pen gem. Thank You so very much for sharing. Blessings........