Gump

An amazing write, and it hits close to home as well, great job!

Heya Dani, a very touching write. You had some spelling errors (worldd), but those are fairly minor, just need to revise. There also a few spots that were a little unsmooth to read, and again revision will fix that. "Gump please listen and don’t get upset But it’s too late to worry Pain I have already met." <---- the last line of this stanza kinda gets me, it seems like it doesn't quite fit there. You could almost take that line out and go straight into the next verse: Gump please listen and don’t get upset But it’s too late to worry My father broke me in he taught me more than enough He told me he’d never leave and now he’s gone. And: Don’t leave like him him, I wanted him gone <---- these two beginning lines get a little choppy. You replace with something like (He is the one I wanted gone) But you are the only one that understands where I come from (Don't leave like he did) And last one: Gump, my dear old friend (This sounds more conversational, less poetic, could almost do without it) What can I do To keep you from drinking your life away please granddad, please please stay.<---- repeating please again sounds a little choppy, you can give the sense of emotional begging without repetition. (take out that first line) What can I do to keep you from drinking your life away (How far do you have to fall before I have to pick up the pieces of that bottle you keep holding) This really hit home with me as well. Just tonight my uncle came home drunk again, something he seems to do on almost a daily basis after an accident last year after he'd been drinking that almost killed him. With a bleed on his brain, and if he keeps drinking like he does, he'll be dead in a year, maybe less. It hurts because I love my uncle dearly, he'd give the shirt off his back for anyone. I don't know if my poems about him are still up or if I took them down when I sent in a poetry book to a publisher... "Sobriety's Glass Eyes". But I totally know how this feels. ((hugs)) and all the best. Peace "If it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now, never back down you tried to hide your lies disguise yourself through living in denial but in the end YOU WON'T STOP ME." ~ Christina Aguilara

this was very heart-felt, and amazinly written, it spoke to me. i could just feel the raw emotions pouring off from you in every line. i dont know really what else to say except i feel you. my gradfather got sick and left me as well. my father left me as well, only that was his choice, he never got the chaance to know me, never wanted it, until it was too late, and there was no going back, i could not frogive him for the 16 years of absence in my life. he lost his chance, but i have always had my godfather, more father than god.... sorry to hear that your gradfather is sick, and while i know at this moment it seems as though it will be the end of the world, it will not be.... it will be sad as hell, sure, but you will make it through. remember, that which does not kill you, makes you stronger! my heart goes out to you, my friend MUAH CHEEKY JSS "please someone help me, its not healthy for me to feel this, Y-O-U, are making this hard, you got me tossing and turnin, late in the night!!!!!;)" Rhianna. PS you know who you are, and trust me this is a good thing;)