DawningDaytripper

Jun 27, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Necessities’ brave faces

Not today am I brave enough, my emotional deficiency’s bred a comatose victim of circumstance. Ego’s leftovers setting up saturated in denial and sinful indulgence. It begs for times blind face turned by yearnings reinforced again in a side-step and do-si-do. Branded by yesterday, hoping for a reversal of direction. Age only adds to the challenge. Vulnerable only just enough to instill pause… Fear the foe addiction it is a white snake carved in a garden of stone as an exhibit of emptiness, smiling from necessity.

— DawningDaytripper, Jun 27, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

Critiques

lou

15 years 11 months ago

Julie

Ilike the title, the language is expressive, and the rhythm is fine. Friendly's doesnt sound right in the first line of the last stanza, maybe it should just say friend versus foe. It should be, addiction's grand white snake. It is a really good read. love lou xx

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

Your right lou, I should add

Your right lou, I should add the apostrophe to addictions. As for my decision on the choice to you Friendly's, I will let you know. Thanks for going over this with me in chat and here, your the best'est, Julie D.D.

xena465

15 years 11 months ago

I love it Julie

Sounds a bit like you're having a battle with yourself, which we all do at times. I agree with Lou about Friendly’s it doesn’t look quite right. I know it’s a word spoken a lot, but I’m not sure it can be written like this. I’m probably wrong. Just one other wee thing I noticed…. enough to {instill} thought ………………I think maybe [instil] I’m not sure if you can spell this both ways? Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

Thanks Rosina, I am so glad

Thanks Rosina, I am so glad you could enjoy it. I do believe those are accepted spellings, but I am not so good with spelling and will check again. I will look in to the line causing issues and try to remember why I chose those useages. Then switch it to make my reader more comfortable. Thanks Luv, much appreaciated. Julie D.D.

Professor Purple

15 years 11 months ago

I love it too,

Indeed a battle with oneself. I can't decide if I like the title or not, so next point: Language use is great, full of complex emotions that are well described, suggested corrections will follow. It flows really well, beginning to end. Strong theme. Suggested corrections: 1.4: Ego (cap, when I read it it seems to me that a new phrase begins here); 1.8: time's (apostrophe); 1.10: I'm not sure, if you mean the musical notes it's usually "do-si-do"; 3.1: "Friendlies". Also, "versus" signifies opposition, it would make for a really cool play on words but I doubt that is the intention. Overall a great read. Antoine

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

Hey PP, Antoine so great to

Hey PP, Antoine so great to see you hear and I love your constructive feedback. I was waiting for someone to notice, and you didn't quite, but I am going to bring it up cause I can't wait anymore. On the suggestion of Jess, I did not label this Poem Acrostic, his logic being that if it flys as a poem on its own it is real poetry. But it is an Acrostic!! If you take the first letters of my lines they spell my title. Which was inspired my GS and in chat also from my personal issue's with addiction in my life. I struggled deciding on caps, but chose to only cap the first line in each stanza, or word. Since now I spilled the beans on it being an Acrostic. And your right about the do si do, I shall fix in my next edit. I should have looked before posting. And I was going for a play on words but will be reworking this line and we shall see what comes of all the great advice I have been given. MUCH APPREACIATED. Julie D.D.

Rett

15 years 11 months ago

Hi Julie

Very good one here. You might want to consider do-cee do as do si do or Dosey Doe. Dosey Doe is another spelling of do si do, referring to Dosado, a basic dance step in such dances as square dance, contra dance, polka, various historical dances, and some reels. I like the way you humanized the feelings. Very well done. Respectfully, Rett: “Anyone who sacrifices liberty for security deserves neither.” Benjamin Franklin

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

PAW you came during my

PAW you came during my edit!!! its all differant now!! Please come back, I fixed do si do. JK, if ya do or don't all good! Luv ya bunchs and thanks for coming by! Julie D.D.

Rett

15 years 11 months ago

Much better. LOL

Well done hon! Respectfully, Rett: “Anyone who sacrifices liberty for security deserves neither.” Benjamin Franklin

magics02

15 years 11 months ago

I hear this one for sure tonite!!

TIME well spent is TIME well lived

Seren

15 years 11 months ago

Dear Julie

I am late like the white rabbit lol sorry hun been a little busy ... wonderful poem I think you have done a brilliant job on this one brava love and hugs JayCee when you get five minutes in the next couple of days can we catch up in chat ?? for a chat lol ;) nothing bad all good SO dont stress out lol (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

faithmairee

15 years 11 months ago

Great Poem

Wow. This is really great. Good strong writing. This poem has depth. Love your ending which helped to make your delivery so strong. Great job! ~I never say anything I don't mean nor do I say anything to be mean.~