Lil Z

Jun 26, 2010 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

An Unlucky Age for Depression

Wrapped in his self-sympathyA blanket of warm serenityHis thirst for care is drasticStarved for love now anorexic His painted legs form a patchImprinted with dreams he can’t catchThe red flows down like gentle rainDropped in puddles of a mother's pain Life's a mess, never simpleWhy else would he threaten his temple?Wrists of Hell, grow more tenderThis bloody trail is his contender He's a field of battle scarsSelf-hate produced from his inner warsYears pass him like molassesThirteen’s the age of broken glasses

— Lil Z, Jun 26, 2010

Critiques

Sara

16 years ago

Oh my

This poem is so good, you just keep getting better!

Lil Z

16 years ago

Sara!

Again, I am so thankful to have a friend like you comment on my work!

Professor Purple

16 years ago

Impressive!

I can only see one thing to be improved, the rhyming in the 3rd stanza. It flows really well, strong theme, good creative use of language. "Years pass him like molasses"- I've felt that way at times, still do every now and then. An unpleasant image but a touching one, to me. Antoine

Lil Z

16 years ago

Thank you Antoine

I really appreciate your comments. You are an amazing poet my friend!

Lonnie

16 years ago

All I can say is Bravo!

I can't remember ever having read poetry this powerful from one so young! Kelsey Died writes as well as this, but she's a bit older than you, I believe! Your use of language is superb, and your depth is outstanding! I am pleased to have seen this!

Lil Z

16 years ago

I am so honored!

Wow Lonnie, such high praises from one of the most brilliant poets I've ever heard of! I really appreciate your sentiment!

Beauregard

16 years ago

Lonnie

you really have to stop boasting about me. :P Z, this poem is amazingly written. I could have never written something like this when I was thirteen! It's evocative and deep and you're language is wonderful! On stanza 3, lines 3 and 4, your rhyming doesn't quite work. How about something like "This bloody trail, his final contender" or "This dead end he must surrender" Just a few other little thing's that I think would help the flow of the poem. These are all just suggestions; you can take them or leave them as you like: 1.4: "[Starved] for love, he's [become] anorexic" 2.4: "Dropped in a river of his [mother's] pain" 3.2: "Why else [would] he threaten his temple?" No age is a lucky age for depression. I have been suffering it myself since I was about 11. Parents think it's "teen angst" or "rebellion" or a "phase", but I was 10 going on 40 and never knew teen angst, just full blown depression with little bouts of mania thrown in. I'm here if you ever need to talk, teen to teen. School counselors and psychiatrists can be so irritating. They were children a long time ago, times have changed and sometimes they really just don't understand. Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe "If technique is of no interest to a writer, I doubt that the writer is an artist." -Marianne Moore

Lil Z

16 years ago

Superb!

Yes, most of those changes you were talking about were the exact changes I was thinking about adding, I guess I focused too much on the theme and ruined some of the rhyme scheme. And yes, the poem was about me as well, I was just saying unlucky because of "13" that's in it. Depression is like a doughnut, you can try to fill in the whole, but it won't be the same, so you might as well eat the problem away.

Beauregard

16 years ago

Oh gosh I'm stupid

I didn't even catch that 13 thing! LOL. Yummm. Doughnuts. That is brilliant. Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe "If technique is of no interest to a writer, I doubt that the writer is an artist." -Marianne Moore

scribbler

16 years ago

unlucky

very good Free verse often allows a bit more wriggle room as to strict rhyme and flow.Only part that tripped me up was the"painted legs".Referring to tatooes?......scribbler

Lil Z

16 years ago

Dear Scribbler,

You got it! I was going to put "inked-up legs", but that sounded too informal, so I went with painted which was a little more vague, but kept to the language I was going for. Thank you so much for your comment!

xena465

16 years ago

Geeze Lil

This is so great. I'm so glad that you're getting such fantastic help. I’m a novice in poetry, and you’re far from that. Fantastic write Lil and I’m proud of the members who are giving you help to make a brilliant poem even better. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell

Lil Z

16 years ago

Thank you

Thank you so much Xena, I love to read your comments! Sincerely, Zach

greeneyes

16 years ago

You are amazing. You are so

You are amazing. You are so talented you take my breath away.This was beautifully written. Love, Elizabeth

Lil Z

16 years ago

Much appreciated!

Thank you so much Elizabeth, and the feeling is mutual! Sincerely, Zach

pleiades

16 years ago

this is my first visit to

this is my first visit to your page, and it certainly won't be my last obviously you have edited this since first posting, and those edits have certainly fixed any minor bumps i find this such a well written poem. there's a depth of self knowledge here, and subsequently self expression, that shows a level of maturity that many of your age wouldn't possess you use language well...you've taken simple, known words, and arranged and used them in a way that gives this poem bite well done i look forward to reading more cheers p p.s. great title for this poem

Lil Z

16 years ago

Thank you!

Thank you for the supportive comment, it means a lot!

Marie-I-Be

16 years ago

almost there

A sensitive subject handled well. Zach, this is so nearly perfect as you have it now, I'd like to offer a bit more editing for tidying up. On line 2 you do not need that ending comma. On line 4 delete "and" and you will see the line is no longer cumbersome. On line 6 delete "the" for the same effect. On line 11 there should be no comma. On line 12 there should be no comma. On line 13 it should be "battle scars" with no hyphen. On line 14 you need "Self-hate" with a hyphen. Another great piece.

Lil Z

16 years ago

Thanks Marie!

I believe it is finally fixed up! Thank you for the help as always!

Join Neopoet to leave a critique

Neopoet is a free community of poets who critique and support each other's writing.

Join free Log in