Phantom Of The Opera: Introduction

well written and informative re-write cat love judy xxx http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TwentyMyPrettyPonies.html

i too love Opera and andrew lloyd webber is truly one of the best creators! but today the creation is yours, wonderful Cat and chrys! much love shirley harrison

Excellent introduction. I will be psoting Part One shortly Chrys

I am going to go and reads chrys in a while when its posted ... I will leave a much detailed comment on all of it as it forms to life ... you know I have sung in Phantom lol ;) love and hugs JayCee x x x ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")

Cat and Jay Cee it is posted Chrys

Sorry Cat. I don't know anything about opera, but I enjoyed the read. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell

I'm afraid I have no other description then brilliant, frightfully brilliant, it sends a shiver down your spine and leaver ideas to write about in your head, excellent. Wolf.

OK, this is take 2 for this critique. I wrote out one Saturday or Sunday and thought I had submitted it. Obviously I made a mistake at one point because it's not here. So let's try this again. Cat, the single block of text is both daunting and, at times, confusing. At times I am uncertain where a thought ends and I blend it with the net and have to go back and reread and by doing this I end up stumbling through the poem. What I will do below is to break it out into what I believe are thoughts and offer word substitutions in [brackets]. I wish I had not lost my earlier critique because I added a few lines and really liked them. Now I have to try to remember them. And, as always, all of my suggestions and observations are merely my opinion for your review and use. Now, as a story, this works pretty well. There are some less smooth spots but I suspect once you get into the modifications you will identify a desired flow and define transitions to get there. -------------------------------------- At an early age, my poverty crazed Mother [poured boiling] water [on] me disfiguring half my face and head. **The malevolent attitude of the mother is a good image, I wanted to strengthen it. Having turned [her] child into a monster, she sold me to a circus man who put me on display for pay with stick rag monkey for company. ** "her" instead of "this" is a stronger image and brings home the censure of the mother He kept a burlap [sack on] my head and beat me for being alive, [and bruised my soul and failing will] although, no one saw my tears. **the transition for the thought felt incomplete so I added a line to smooth it out. The gawkers would come, And most would point and laugh, While others would scream, when he pulled the bag off my [gruesome] head. **I wanted to extend the metaphor and build on the image previous created One day, as if a dam had burst, it [occurred] to [free] the [ropes binding] to the cruel bars of my small cage. I strangled my keeper with [those ropes], feeling the life flee his body along with his ragged, rum-soaked breath. **Again, I am looking to build the image and substituted in phrases to aid in this A young ballerina with tears in her eyes and pity in her [fair] heart, saw what was happening and took action. She opened the cage, took my hand[,] pulled me out onto the cobbled street after her[;] the police [were] close on our tail. **"teen" is too modern a word for this piece. "fair" speaks in the same vein but sounds smoother in context We ran to the Opera House in the dark of the Parisian night where she opened a secret grate and I entered surprised to find myself in a warm chamber. My friend [and savior] led me through secret passages, into the catacombs beneath the massive building that became my new home and playground. [She] brought me food and [many] things. I lived and grew in the comfort of my labyrinth with Stolen candles to light my shadowy loneliness. ** Minor suggestions added to smooth out the reading Song from the Opera House, above, [drenched] me [in hope and inspiration] and became my constant companion. From my [sweet ballerina], I learned to read and write music [and] the rhythm and notes were in my blood[;] they infused me with a new life[,] [a new soul, a new purpose undreamt before] **"Floated" denotes rising while "drenched" speaks of falling and gives a better feel to the image. By night, after the last performance, I prowled the Opera House searching [amongst] the seats for lost money and [anything] I might use [and] after [one] masquerade I found a soft black leather mask that suited me perfectly. **Just looking to smooth out the flow here, discarding more modern images and replacing them with images more in tune with our perception of the time Hidden and secure in [this] mask, I soon found myself taking liberties[;] watching and listening from the rafters. Occasionally, when espied by a stage hand, he died at my hands for his mistake [and] I took advantage of the fear this generated, and became the Opera House Ghost, making demands upon the owner for a box of my own and a [ransom against disaster]. **With the last substitution I wanted to create a more ominous feel and less of a standard criminal feel Most of the opera divas were [talentless]. One, in particular, Carlotta, by name, sounded, to my highly-tuned ears, like a banshee, [shrilling her curses upon a world incapable of caring.] **I added a line to build on the image of Carlotta. "Mediocre" felt too modern in the context Christine, her understudy, had a voice like silver bells in Springtime. [and] in my clandestine fashion, I sent a note to the [owner] [demanding that Christine be given the lead] [in] the next opera, [to forestall] [additional] accidents and [mayhem.] ** Just looking to smooth out the imagery and make it more consistent with the time period I knew that Christine was [poised for this] for I had been grooming and molding her from behind a mirrored secret passage in her boudoir. She called me her “Angle of Music!” and followed my instruction [without question or suspicion.] **Added a line to complete the image [And] so it was agreed that Christine Christine, of flawless voice, my only love, [would perform instead of Carlotta.] --------------------------------------------- --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)