Rain,

A daily trip

the mist of dawn rise

white curtains

drawn over the hills

the sun breaks

drawing long shadows

illuminated

magjestic colors run

from the light

water evaporates

heavens bound

cooling on the winds

atoms fusing

fulfilling its cycle

as another days rain

Choka, with the traditional

Repeated x7

With a final added line of 7

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choka#Ch.C5.8Dka

— DawningDaytripper, Jun 15, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

Critiques

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

Choka, a form of Waka, with

Choka, a form of Waka, with the traditional 5 7 Repeated x7 With a final added line of 7 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choka#Ch.C5.8Dka For me Choka, a form of waka, is a new style. Although one of my favorites, Haiku, is obviously of similar style and roots. I can easily see why this style lends to collections. It is very delicate and straight forward way of poetry that creates an innocence and honesty from it. For me. I plan to explore this and other forms more. For a title I had to go with Rain, for the simplicity of it demanded it. It maybe very subject dedicated, but this is for me what Japanese poetry holds, a simplistic honesty and bluntness. But I am open to all thoughts. And reserve the right to work on it all the way till the deadline, lol, Thanks for reading. Julie D.D.,

anonymous1

15 years 11 months ago

5-7 5-7 5-7 5-7-7

Hi Julie, First, I like your poem for its fresh and sparse language. I really like your word choices. There is one typo (magjestic should be majestic). I am having trouble with 'dawn rise' and wonder if it should be 'dawn rises' or 'dawnrise' if it means sunrise. Or perhaps hyphenate it as, 'dawn-rise.' Or have I got the sense of it wrong? Perhaps it is trying to say 'the mist of dawn raises white curtains'? Help me with this one, please. Last line: 'day's rain' (if it's possessive?) As to structure: it doesn't follow the syllabic count according to your wiki-reference. Each line alternates in syllabic count (5-7) and the final line, L9 is 7 syllables. So the entire poem will have 9 lines. I hope this helps. Thanks, Lisa

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago

I most certainly found it

I most certainly found it helpful Lisa, to make sure you know I apreaciate it all I shall address them all, My bad on the spelling. I actualy corrected it, but was having submit issues and when resubmitted, and the tenth time missed removing the g. I did notice, but was going to wait to tonight to fix it, but ya caught me. LOL. Thanks for being on your toes, I try to save my friends the basic corrections, but obviously am only so succesful. Next, the issue with Dawn and rise. The problem is that the dawn isn't rising, the mists are. The mists of dawn rise, And my wiki referance is exactly the same as the poem, Choka can be of any leangth, as long as it is a repeating 5-7 pattern with a final concluding 5-7-7 Wiki is only specifiying the example that it uses. Chōka Chōka consists of 5-7 Japanese sound units phrases repeated at least twice, and concludes with a 5-7-7 ending. The briefest chōka documented was made by Yamanoue no Okura in the Nara period, and goes: 瓜食めば子ども思ほゆ栗食めばまして思はゆ何処より来りしものそ眼交にもとな懸りて安眠し寝さぬ (Man'yōshū: 0337), which consists of a pattern 5-7 5-7 5-7 5-7-7: As for possessive on Days, or day's. I choose non possessive. Rain belongs to all and I certainly can not possess it or a day. And it was on a specific day. Not every day. I singularized it in several places. So hence my decision. I also liked not having any punctuation. But thanks for stopping in and spending so much time in trying to correct me. I certainly can use it at times. lol Julie D.D.

DawningDaytripper

15 years 11 months ago