diana duncan

Jun 12, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

I see the Sea

I see
the sea
and the wings of
a silver bird
clipping clouds
but I cannot see
the destiny

I feel
like dirt under a heel
and I want to rise up
and wash it away
but fear locks me
into the sand in my shoe
and I don't know what to do

I pray
for a better day,
for better pay
and the card shows
me finding my way
through muzzling the foe
with words that stay below

I believe
that guardians won't leave
my side
through this heavy tide
and the wheel will turn
through the water
until
I am out of the mill

— diana duncan, Jun 12, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Critiques

xena465

15 years 12 months ago

Welcome to Neo Diana

Lovely write. I've often felt like this. When everything just seems so pointless, but you know what, it's like they say "One day at a time". We get things thrown at us and it hurts, but we have to throw it right back and pick up the pieces and scrape away that dirt on our heels. Xena

diana duncan

15 years 12 months ago

Thank you Xena

Thank you for your comment, Xena. We feel so much better when others understand :-)

raj

15 years 12 months ago

Hello Diana

while reading this write of yours.. you have taken me with you in your journey showing what you see, feel,pray and believe...i enjoyed the ride...will look to read more of yours which has such innocence about it.. warmly..raj (sublime_ocean)..

diana duncan

15 years 12 months ago

Thank you for warmth

Thank you so much for your warm comment - it brought tears to my eyes. Different tears - warm tears. My latest poem has the word "warmth" in it so you have encouraged me to post it soon! All the best :-)

raj

15 years 12 months ago

Most Welcome Diana

its no big deal to appreciate the warmth and innocence felt in your write...from the comments which have poured out from neopeoets here...i am sure they all are looking forward to more of yours... stay inspired...raj (sublime_ocean)

diana duncan

15 years 12 months ago

Thanks Annie

Hi Annie - such a lovely name! Sorry I didn't respond to your earlier contact but I was thinking of you before I switched on the computer so it is quite a coincidence to find your kind comment. I like your "poet's name" Darknlovely too - it suits you! Take care, and stay in touch :-)

Seren

15 years 12 months ago

Dear Diana

Welcome to Neopoet ... thanks for the journey in word ... simply wonderful will look out for more of your poetry in the future ... if you need help at anytime dont be afraid to ask your guide or any of the advocates or AEC committee Kind regard Jayne-Chloe (AEC) ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")

diana duncan

15 years 12 months ago

Thanks for offer of help

Thanks so much for your comment and offer to help. You will see that one of my favourite authors is Doreen Virtue - do I recognise your picture from the Mermaids and Dolphins oracle cards? People have no idea how much this site has done for me already - I feel validated at last!

seabhac

15 years 12 months ago

Wonderful to read your first poem

Well done for overcoming the hardest step and I am delighted so many have viewed and taken the time to comment. This is a wonderful poem, a freedom about it which is not always so visible on a first post. For me the lines but fear locks me into the sand in my shoe Was a wonderful powerful image, somehow also showing the vulnerability and fragile nature of truth and belief I also look forward to reading more of your work. Seabhac

diana duncan

15 years 12 months ago

Thanks for getting me started

Hi Seabhac. You were instrumental in getting me started - thank you so much :-)

johan

15 years 11 months ago

just wonderfull

diana duncan

15 years 11 months ago

Kind words

Thanks for your positive comment, Johan - I really appreciate the five stars :-)

professor

15 years 11 months ago

Hi Diana thought I'd stop by and reciprocate

Actually I like this one despite your cautions about the seriousness of your poetic skills. For me while using rhyming couplets at the beginning and end of each verse is find the final couplet often feels a little contrived and false. It is not so much the words you have chosen I think as the line lengths. What I would suggest is trying to make the final line more punchy by shortening it and then the rhyming couplet works better through increased emphasis and feeling less predictable. There are also some other lines that could benefit from shortening to assist the flow. So perhaps something like this: I see the sea and the wings of a silver bird clipping clouds but I cannot see destiny I feel like dirt under heel I want to rise up and wash it away but fear locks me (may be "grips me" would be better to tie in with the sand") like sand in my shoe.. What to do? I pray for a better day, for better pay (dont really like the triplet rhyme hear so might I suggest "prose" rather than "pay".....it kind of matches the mention of card and words in the next few lines) and the card shows me finding my way muzzling each foe, words below. I believe guardians won’t leave my embattled side through this heavy tide and that water will turn life's wheel until I escape the mill. Just some suggestions. My best wishes Keith

diana duncan

15 years 11 months ago

Escaping the Mill

Hi Keith. As you are so good at writing poetry, I welcome your comments and suggestions. I agree with taking out "the" in a couple of places (i.e. destiny). I like the addition of "embattled" to "side", and "grips" is a better word than "locks", but I used the latter because I do feel imprisoned. The "better pay" is factual - it is what I am seeking now. In fact, the whole poem is very factual so I was unable to think about it as poetry. Although I won a poetry award at high school and studied English Literature to "A" Level, I now need poetry to express my soul, and I use art (pastels of nature) in the same way. Expression rebels against correctness - hope you understand what I am trying to say? Think Picasso. But I love your crit - thanks so much! (I might be wrong but I think I know you from somewhere? - and that's not a pick-up line!!!) Kind regards, Diana :-)

professor

15 years 11 months ago

Ah Diana but which of Picasso's periods?

It could make a difference lol. I understand completely about wanting poetry allowing you to express your soul freely and seeing formality of structure as a potential shackle. I understand too about personal aspects in poetry although for the most part I simply try and critique a poem as an independent entity and say what in my opinion might possibly improve it as a poem. As for deja vu I suppose its possible you might have seen me on a TV news or documentary program or in other parts of the media since over the years my science research work has had quite a bit of publicity. I have also given quite a few public lectures on science which are on the internet. Alternatively perhaps it could be through my working with a South African Professor based in Pretoria...John Skinner? Let me know if anything comes to mind. In the meantime I look forward to reading more of your poetry. With my best wishes Keith