Alice Ember

Jun 11, 2010 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Lie I live

The lie I live
to hard to hold
up any longer

My knees raw
and bloody from falling
I'm suffocating
on the life
I've made

I'm not strong
just weak
to scared
to speak when
I know I should

I only fight
to hide the pain
that is eating
me up inside

The hurt festering
until all I want
is death to come

I pray my car
will hit a tree
that I'll drown
when I jump
from my cliff

Just the goth girl
in the corner
no one sees
no one hears

To far gone
for a warm heart
to save me

But, I do wish
that someone
cared enough
to look, to see,
to mourn me
when I'm gone

— Alice Ember, Jun 11, 2010

Critiques

raj

16 years 1 month ago

Ah Alice!!

for the second time today i am reading a lively write where words are like embers stoking from the hearth of a very emotive heart... wishing you smiles...raj (sublime_ocean)...

raj

16 years 1 month ago

if i may suggest…in some

if i may suggest...in some places you need to correct the spelling of 'to' to 'too'.. raj (sublime_ocean)...

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks I always forget those

And thank you for your kind words. what was the other one. I wish to read it Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

raj

16 years 1 month ago

excuse my ignorance just in

excuse my ignorance just in case it is a particular style to use "to" as "too" in any case it didnt take anything away from your write because i could understand which "to" meant "too"....i will look forward to read more of your writes ahead... be well...raj(sublime_ocean)..

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

it is not a style

It's just that i don't pay much attention to the "to" forms in the poems. But, tha nks for the nice comments and stopping by. Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!

I'm going to try something slightly different and combine my Mechanics, Order/Form and Word Choice catagories by just implimenting them into the poem. My suggestions will be bolded. Then I'll go on and talk about the other stuff. Critique -- The lie I live is too hard to hold up any longer My knees are raw and bloody from falling I’m suffocating on the life I’ve made I’m not strong just weak and too scared to speak when I know that I should I only fight to hide the pain that is eating me up inside The hurt festering until all I want is death to come I pray that my car will hit a tree that I’ll drown when I jump from this cliff Just the goth girl in the corner who no one sees no one hears Too far gone for a warm heart to save me But, I do wish that someone cared enough to look, to see, or at least to mourn me when I’m gone Imagery/Tone -You have a very minimal amount of images in this poem. Mostly, we have the car and cliff, festering hurt and warm heart. Those are the 'big images'. I'm going to be bluntly honest and say these are not new images, not new ways of describing these feelings. You're not the only one who's ever felt this way, and definitely not the first to write about it. But you're communicating. That's the purpose of poetry, to communicate with the reader. Whether it's sharing feelings, sharing an experience, telling a silly story, whatever it is you're writing about. But what poetry should do is share those things in a new way. Let the reader feel that feeling they once felt (or that they still feel) in a different way. Here are just a few examples of other's on Neopoet who have written similar poems: Alone... (Silent_Rain): http://www.neopoet.com/node/39344 Alone Again (Fleur MacDonald): http://www.neopoet.com/node/22274 Lonliness (Insightful Bliss): http://www.neopoet.com/node/12829 Guilt (race_9togo): http://www.neopoet.com/node/39226 Trigger (Dimentia): http://www.neopoet.com/node/41189 And they all say kind of the same thing as your poem here, in each poet's own way. I want to see you transform yours into something magnificent, compelling! Go above and beyond, I know you are brave and you are a wonderful young poet! I know you've got it in you to blow us out of the water, amaze us, astound us. You can say the same thing, but in an amazing new way! I know you can! :) Kelsey

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

PS:

I hope no one that I listed minds that I shared their poem. If you do, please tell me and I'll remove you from the list. Kelsey

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks kels

I'll begin working on a mind blowing poem right now. Though i do believe you have to much faith in me. AHHHH, what am i going to do, so much pressure. I'm only kidding. Thanks for having so much faith in me Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

wolf

16 years 1 month ago

A very daring sad poem, (if

A very daring sad poem, (if you can get a description like that) captivating yes, inspiring even more, I like your work and use of language, something in it reminds me a bit of my mother. wolf, 5 stars from me.

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks wolf

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I'm glad you liked it and thanks for the stars. If i may ask, how do I remind you of your mother? Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

Candlewitch

16 years 1 month ago

Hello

I do like Kelsey's changes to your raw edged eloquent poem. I should very much like to read more of your work. Nice to meet you. Always, Cat

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks

Yes, kelsey is always correct. haha. It's a pleasure to meet youu to cat Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

Nu-uh!

I just try to be useful! :P LOL Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

god kelsey

That picture is makeing me sick.. your the goddess of poetry kelsey. own it, name it, love it Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

greeneyes

16 years 1 month ago

Powerful! I do not feel it

Powerful! I do not feel it needs changing. That is the one pet peeve I have about this site. How can you rewrite someone elses work? Poetry is art and very personal, you wrote this poem the way you wanted it to be. There are no rules with free form. p.s. I mean no disrepect to those of you who give suggestions, it is just my opinion you shouldn't rewrite someone elses work.

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

A critique is not rewriting someone else's work

Alice does not have to use any of my suggestions if she does not want to. She requested that I mentor her and offer her suggestions on her poetry. I am not attempting to rewrite her poetry. I am not saying that any of my suggestions are correct, just my humble ideas. In the end it is always the poet's choice. I just do my best to offer a new perspective on her poem. If you don't like the concept of critique or workshop, why would you join Neopoet, a workshop? Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

hey hey!!!!

calm down, I take the critizime and i like it, now need for disagree ment. Come now, now come everythings cool. every one has there own opinion and i respect that. greeneyes doesn't like it, kelseys all for it. respect it and stay calm chicas Love, Alice Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

Sorry hun, I'm calm.

Didn't mean any disrespect to her or her opinion and I can only hope she didn't mean any to me. Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe

greeneyes

16 years ago

No disrespect at all Kelsey!

No disrespect at all Kelsey! We just happen to differ in opinion on this subject! So the fuck what,lol! I love Harry Potter and my boyfriend hates him, I still let him in my bed at night. Elizabeth

Beauregard

16 years ago

LOL

I'm glad we can agree to disagree. But I'm totally with you on Harry Potter!! :) Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe "If technique is of no interest to a writer, I doubt that the writer is an artist." -Marianne Moore

Alice Ember

16 years ago

TMI!!

I'm kidding. I agree Harry Potter is awsome. What do you guys think of twilight series? My friends and i think Edward and Jake should run off together and have vampups and leave bella to her cliff dive adventure. But, hey thats just our opinion. lots of love Alice Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

Beauregard

16 years ago

I agree.

I think Twilight is a terrible excuse for literature but I think Edward and Jacob would make a great couple. LOL Kelsey "In criticism I will be bold, and as sternly, absolutely just with friend and foe. From this purpose nothing shall turn me." -Edgar Allan Poe "If technique is of no interest to a writer, I doubt that the writer is an artist." -Marianne Moore

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Their kids are smoking hot.... haha

You know if two guys could have kids genetically.... we morfed their pictures together and lets say in their teens those kids are hot!!! But, when there little babies they are so creepy looking.. theres not much to do up here so we tend to get bored and mess with things.. we did this on a night like tonight after we got home from some boring trip to the lake...We have fun with it Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

greeneyes

16 years ago

Twilight is okay, but not at

Twilight is okay, but not at all in the same league as harry potter,

hippiepoet69

16 years 1 month ago

Good write

You are improving all the time. I have faith in you. And I'm not alone. You are getting more and more reads and comments. Read and consider suggestions. But in the end it is your poem. I have improved from this site. I try to improve my stytle. But I won't change it. Let your Irish eyes shine brite. Take Care. your Southern fried fan. huey

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

My souther fried fan??..

Okay,Huey i'd ask 'bout that one but, i have aa feeling i would not like the answer. and yes, i've noticed i'm getting a lot more help from all the poepleon here and i would like to say thanks toall of them. Talk to you later Huey Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

hippiepoet69

16 years 1 month ago

I'm just a fan

like your other readers. Nothing more or nothing less. I'm from the South and it was a 101 degrees here yesterday. So I am fried. LOL. Keep those Irish eyes shining. Take Care. huey

Alice Ember

16 years 1 month ago

ahhh thats why your fried,

Thanks huey. Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to

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