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Alice Ember
Alice Ember
Jun 08, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Sword dance

Swords dancing
blood dripping
from wounds
that glisten in
the night

Steps counted 
in my head
I know this
deadly dance
a little to well
I've swayed to 
this tune
a little to long

Moonlight lighting
our dance floor,
covered in blood
and useless ripped 
clothing 

This dance is
beautiful but 
scary as hell


It's like dancing on
a knifes point
waiting to fall,
for the knife
to puncture
my heart

Dancing with death
Flirting with danger

Giddy with blood loss
things begin to blur
not sure if theres
only one sword coming 
my way or three

So, I dance around
the swords swinging 
for my limbs

I've gone  numb
One wrong step
and i'm dead
One missed beat
of this deadly tune
and i'm screwed

My lucks running out
I missed the sword 
slide into me
like butter

Oh well
I guess i'll go
dance with the devil
 
— Alice Ember, Jun 08, 2010

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Critiques

S

Silent_Rain

16 years ago

...

This is acully pretty good... Edit a little and you will have a very good write here... I'll pm you with some suggestions... ~Rain~
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Okay cool

Thanks rain. Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
P

panaella

16 years ago

improving all the time...

Hi Alice, Some typos and a bit of an edit...this is sounding pretty good!...like the imagery of the swords....cut out the slang it detracts from the imagery. Getting better all the time. Luv Ells x
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Thanks panaella

And yes i know the swearing takes away fromt he imagery but, you see i live in the back woods of new york. Those words are our common day language sucks right? Well, it's my way of putting my place in the world into the world of my writing. Thanks for the comment and kind words Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
GH

Goran Hankich

16 years ago

Don’t change it. Craft how

Don't change it. Craft how you want to craft. You wouldn't want someone tell you how to make yourself After all it came from you.
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years ago

"You wouldn’t want someone tell you how to make yourself"

This is true, Goran, but this is a poetry workshop. We come here to improve our craft. Please encourage this young poet (Alice) to grow and learn, rather than tell her to shoot down suggestions. We all want to get better here, those that don't are ruining the learning experience for the rest of us. Thanks, Kelsey
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Thats true

And i thank you for stoping by to comment on my poem. Take care Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years ago

Wounds that glisten in the night

love that! Love all your imagery! Critique -- Mechanics 2.5 & 2.8: "to" --> 'too' 5.2: "knifes" --> 'knife's' 7.3: "theres" --> 'there's' 9.1: "gone__numb" --> "gone_numb" (you put an extra space between those words) 9.3 & 9.6 & 11.2: "i"--> 'I' (You got excited to post this at the end, and missed those capitals, didn't you? I do this all the time! LOL) 10.1: "lucks" --> 'luck's' Order/Form 7.5: "my way or three" --> 'my way/ or three' (I think putting "or three" on a new line would smooth that out a little bit and emphasize the image of three swords coming at you) Word Choice 3.1: "Moonlight lighting" --> 'Moonbeams lighting' (so we don't repeat 'light') 3.4: "useless ripped clothing" --> 'ripped clothing' (something about "useless" here makes that sound dirty to me, LOL) 5.1: "dancing on" --> 'twirling on' (to use some words other than "dance/dancing" so much) 5.4: "for the knife" --> 'for the blade' (to use some words other than "knife") Imagery/Tone Loved the imagery: the swords/knives, the dancing, the moonlight, the blood, all of it! Intent/Metaphor You said you were inspired by the old time sword duels in this piece. Were you watching the history channel? LOL! I am wondering if the violence in this piece is autobiographical? I feel like you must have experienced or knew people who have experienced some pretty bad stuff to be able to come up with the images in this poem. You know I always tell you how brave you are! -- I'm glad Rain is giving some suggestions too, you go girl! :) Kelsey
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Thanks chica

I've missed you my friend. and don't get upset with him he's new he's not used to the process yet.haha. And i'm gladmy imagery was good. I've been reading and watching alot of old style. And i've seen a lot of pain and felt it to. But, I laugh at it all. If your not laughing your crying. And crying takes to much energy that i really don't have these days. Thanks for thinking i'm brave when i know i'm anything but. Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years ago

Not upset,

just want to make sure we get him on the good team! haha! You're absolutely right about crying! I'm going to laugh with you :) Kelsey
SH

shirley harrison

16 years ago

this is wonderful

I love that i can feel the fight! a really enjoyable piece of poetry.... shirley harrison
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

16 years ago

Thank you both

Thank you both very much. I'm glad shirley that you could feel it. I was hopeing some one would Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

15 years 12 months ago

Thanks

Thank you wolf. Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

15 years 11 months ago

no need to say more

thank you, greeneyes thank you very much Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to
H

hippiepoet69

15 years 11 months ago

Well written

With just a few typos. I can relate to this very well. I'm dancing with a Black Widow. Maybe she will have mercey on me this time. Watch out for that double edge sword. It cuts both ways. Smile! Irish eyes. Take Care. huey
Alice Ember

Alice Ember

15 years 11 months ago

i will

thanks shay Cowards aren't the only ones who die a thousand deaths. Sometimes heroes do to