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P
pleiades
Jun 05, 2010 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

marionette

.

i brush past  figures
that lurk

feeling my skin
burn at touch

this living inside
has made me thus

i have
no social face

no how d'ya do?

i dance
the schooner master's
jig
and all the pretties
applaude
 
i could carve
my flesh
and pull
my back-bone free

snap spines
under my pointed boots

then at last
be able to bend

.
— pleiades, Jun 05, 2010
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Critiques

Esker

Esker

16 years 1 month ago

to P

there are beautiful things in treasure homes behind the frayed glass and greying sunprint dancer hearts this poem is an essence that fills me and empties me like the white and black of light like the hunger of lonliness with all the meal of Love thank you Your Esker~
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

you have poetic insightyou

you have poetic insight you just know i thank YOU you inspire me to write, and to improve this write came about after our recent messages... which i'm sure you know your friend p
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear P

Love your poetic conversation you have going with e. really awesome poem ... i brush past figures that lurk feeling my skin burn at touch living inside has made me thus i have no social face no how d’ya do? i dance the schooner master’s jig and all the pretties applaude i could carve my flesh pulling my back-bone free snap spines under my pointy boots then at last be able to bend just a couple of suggestions you dont have to take them hun but its a wonderful poem love JayCee ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

i prefer your suggestion

i prefer your suggestion of 'the' rather than 'a' in line 11...i'll make that change not sure yet about omitting 'this' from 'this living inside' i'll mull over that another line that troubled me, was the penultimate i couldn't decide between 'then at last', or, 'and at last' what do you think? thanks for the input cheers p
Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

16 years 1 month ago

Don't know,

what else to say but, this is an exceptional piece of writing. Regards Roscoe..
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

e, never worry about missing

e, never worry about missing stars, they mean absolutely nothing to me i don't give them at all the potential for too many noses out of joint if given less than 5 comments are the meat of a review stars are just fluff but thank you for thinking of them...sweet p
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 1 month ago

Dear P.

I like "then at last." You have some remarkable imagery going here in short lines, which is incredible. I loved the whole piece. A wish of the soul. Always, Cat
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

thanks cat!you know how it

thanks cat! you know how it is i'm sure... just one little word can have you scratching your head for days i can be very anal over the tritest things when writing i think i will stick with 'then'....but... aaaarrgghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! i'm driving myself nuts! thank you again, for your input, and lovely comments cheers p
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 1 month ago

This is the type of poem

This is the type of poem that begets poetry. As does relationship between poets. How could it be otherwise? ~ p.s. I would omit *be able to* and end with: "then, at last, bend." "Even if I knew the world were to end tomorrow, I would plant an olive tree today."-- Francis of Assisi
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

relationships between

relationships between poets can carry far more intensity than other kinds of relationships thank goodness i'm going to sit on your suggestion re the last line, for a bit. i like the line both ways...your way changes the intent in a very subtle way that i like thank you for thoughts A... i appreciate the input cheers p way
judyanne

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

shows the importance of the title

i read this before i took notice of the title and couldn't understand what you were saying... then the great uh-ha really enjoyed this... has depth - saw more with each read nice to meet you fellow aussie love judy xxx http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TwentyMyPrettyPonies.html
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

thank you judy for your

thank you judy for your comments on this and yes...always nice to meet a fellow aussie... i think we're a great bunch cheers p
M

magics02

16 years 1 month ago

Sounds like a yoga bend

Hey pretty lady how are you. I love this poem I had to read it twice before it really hit me square in the face lol and I did think of the back and the spine as we bend and twist. Good write my lady Love Mona xoxoox
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

hello lovely ladythank you

hello lovely lady thank you so much for your considered words always a pleasure to see your smiling face cheers p
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

I'm going to throw in

one more little thing to drive you nuts, if I may. :) On that last line, you could also consider removing 'be'. I think that, or Anna's suggestion would both be wonderful, if you do decide to adjust that line. I love marionettes and your way of bringing them to life with these words. Kelsey
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

aarrgghhhhh!!!!!!!that

aarrgghhhhh!!!!!!! that friggin' last line... it's doing my head in i'd forgotten all about this until i noticed a commment from you thankyouverymuch miss k! cheers p
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

!@#$%^&*(

I just had another idea for that line! Now I'm going nuts too! "then at last you let me bend" Kelsey
P

pleiades

16 years 1 month ago

you and your

you and your suggestions bugger off!!!!! (i need a cold cloth for my poor head)
Esker

Esker

16 years 1 month ago

returned

to read this loving how it makes me feel your words are like magic to me this poem is so artistic I know I will keep coming back here
Esker

Esker

16 years ago

Your MY spotlight

sometimes its just so how the moment lights at the recognition your boldness your fire shines i meet so few in the world Online who dare better with their bold and yet here we are and how you make me smile everytime

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