The Demise of Harmony

The Demise of Harmony

A barrage of sound
and the walls began to die,
pocked and demolished
by the violent attack.

We witnessed with awe
as the destruction advanced,
claiming the turrets;
their abalone shingles
dropping like kernels
on the parapets below.

And embedded stars
in the failing buttresses,
slipped their fragile bonds
to cascade into the sand.

The gates stood proudly,
defying, until the last,
this devastation,
this abrupt catastrophe,
until they too collapsed
with a soft, clinging, shudder;
thunderstorms along the shore.

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Motivation and Focus

This was constructed as an example for the Neopoet.com June 2010 contest.  The contest specifications were as follows:

Any documented Japanese style (Choka)
Subject = Rain
Link -  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waka_%28poetry%29

In the past I've chosen haiku as my main form of entry in situations like this but I decided it was time to reach in further and review some additional options and after looking around found the style Choka which supports a longer form.  I admit, I like the longer form and after casting about a bit within the confines of the subject I thought of a circumstance that had happened to me countless times.

What do you do when a thunderstorm rolls in and has a conversation with your sand castle?

My goal was three-fold within this piece.

1) I wanted to write about the subject without ever mentioning it
2) I wanted the meaning to be clear only after the last lines and the hints then fall into place.
3) I wanted the last line to fade away like a thunderstorm does, with a memory of violence but a sense of relief

Overall, I am fairly pleased with this.  I took several hours framing it in my mind and then two or so hours writing and editing, until I had something I believed was complete.  Additionally, I find I rather like this form and while during my research I did not find any indication I had violated the spirit of the form while adhering to its structure, no doubt someone will show me that I have.  And that's fine, because I am content to try and fail rather than never try.

Unfortunately, in my attempt to mask the whole sand castle thing apparently the initial readers assumed I was talking about 9/11.  This forced me back to the poem, replacing "towers" with "turrets" and using my original choice of "abalone" instead of "mother of pearl."  The interesting thing is that as these were syllable for syllable and sound unit for sound unit substitutions, no major re-work was required.  But additional comments and a review indicated I needed slightly more length to  sell the image and plant the seeds of doubt and suspense.  That and breaking it up into sentence structure, grouping stanzas as thoughts, again at the suggestion of reviewers, made sense.

Structure wise, Choka consists of at least two 5, 7 couplets and ends with a 5, 7, 7 stanza.  As Chokas go, mine is extremely short through intent.  I did not feel the subject could support much more description before it became overbearing.  I feel with this length the emotions provoked are still fresh in the mind when the resolution is presented and this adds to the message and image created.

This is a form to which I will return because I found it thoroughly enjoyable.