The Key Was Ticking, Silently

The Key Was Ticking, Silently

There in the chaos, bright and pure
Are thoughts and words that still endure
Both unforgotten and obscure;
They breed anarchy.

Like worn tumblers in cryptic locks,
Like wretched gears in wretched clocks,
Like vacant thoughts in idle stocks;
Waiting patiently.

To trap, to trip, to mesmerize,
To haunt the soul and cloud the eyes,
To break the will without surprise;
Farewell sanity.

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Motivation and Focus:

This next part will be of interest only to those who are here for the poetry workshop.  If you are just looking to be told you are pretty, none of this will make any sense.

For me this is another example of how setting something aside can improve it.

My original concept was a poem about writer's block and it had a working title of "Creative Lock."  I give things working title on either first impression or as a placeholder or because I believe it sounds good.  This was a placeholder because the title sucked and I am one who tries to put a lot of thought into titles because I believe they can really add to a poem.

The original structure of the poem was tetrameter with an intended AAAB  CCCB DDDB rhyme scheme.  I like the way this type of rhyme scheme pulls a reader through and how the linked stanzas give additional power.  After letting this sit for 2-3 months with 2 stanzas done and a compete lack of direction, I took another look at it along with six (6) other incomplete poems I have in progress and I noticed something.  Tetrameter sucked for the last line of the stanza.  With the AAAB rhyme scheme and a tetrameter last line there was a loss of intensity so I clipped 3 syllables from the end lines and in about 15 minutes put together the last stanza, last line first which completely changed the focus and feel of this poem.

Gone was a lament about writer's block and front and center, and coincidentally truer to the feel of the first two stanzas, was a  train wreck into insanity.  And I mean train wreck in the best of all possible ways.  OK, not "best" best, because I make no pretense this poem defines the standard for describing a descent into insanity but "best" within the context that a train wreck is one of those things you see coming and at times you best efforts cannot prevent, just slow.

It's a metaphor, almost like I was writing poetry or something.

This piece is a study in form, not a personal reflection.  When I go insane I will send out invitations and hold a party.

Additional Note 6/18/10:  After observations had been made about the last line I decided to take a look at it again.  The intended structure was the rhyme scheme indicated above with a 8,8,8,5 or three tetrameter lines with an uneven foot trimeter-1 line to end each stanza.

For the first two stanzas I believe this works well, serving as a springboard for the reader to continue on to the next stanza.  Because of the selection of a trimeter -1  or two and a half metrical feet per line, I was looking to change the pacing of the last stanza with line three and slow things down and have the last line delivered as an epitaph.

I had my doubt about it and further reflection spurred from additional review and comment lead me to see if changing the meter in the last line to pure tetrameter while maintaining the rhyme might not give me a stronger and more deliberate finish.

Since the rhyme scheme is one link for the lines and the shared meeter another, by dispensing with the less obvious link I feel I may be able to achieve a better ending.

Or I might be deluding myself.

Your thoughts are welcome.

6/22/2010 Final, for now:

I let this sit for four (4) days and came back to it.  I don't like the meter shift in the last line but "Goodbye" felt wrong, as had been noted.  "Farewell" seems to fit better as it is a softer word when spoken, not having to contend with a hard "d" followed by a hard "b".

This is how it will be published though I'll keep the alternate ending:

"And steal from me my sanity."

for review.