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Family Tree

Roots snuggly envelopped in quicksand of life, 

Leaves slowly spreading,

engulfing the night,

buds peeping quiescently,

from velvet green folds,

A solid, brown trunk to shelter the truths.

Firm and determined,

A gaol formed of bark,

An ominous beacon invading the dark..

— sharon-rose, May 24, 2010

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A

Arrow

15 years 11 months ago

Interesting

There are a lot of things I like here - mostly the gentle weaving of the supposedly benevolent and supportive and the ominous and secretive. I also like the slowness of the lines, esp. line 2 and the unobtrusive rhyme. Your capitalization is erratic, though. Why are lines 1 and 2 capitalized then 3-5 not then they are capitalized again? My only major suggestions would be a space between lines 6-7 and, maybe, an alternative to "invading". Line 6 is so important that I feel like it deserves a break after it to let it set in. Also, the following three lines aren't so much a description of the parts of the tree as the earlier lines. "Invading" doesn't strike me as quite right. This "tree" is somehow distasteful and participating in the "dark." A word like "repulsing" or "repelling" captures these qualities more for me. Of course, it's up to you. Enjoyed. Roots snuggly (SNUGLY) envelopped (ENVELOPED) in quicksand of life, Leaves slowly spreading, engulfing the night, buds peeping quiescently, from velvet green folds, A solid, brown trunk to shelter the truths. Firm and determined, A gaol formed of bark, An ominous beacon invading the dark..
S

scribbler

15 years 11 months ago

tree

I am no judge of free verse,but I really liked this.Especially first line.....scribbler