Instincts wild

You amaze me more everytime I read your reviews Kelsey, I will work on the mechanics of it. As for the past switching to the present, from her telling the story as in a few moments ago, while the ending ended at the present. But I can see how it may lack in clarity, I will work on it. As for my chosing fear over terror, or panic. I will think on it, but was to denote that I was not afraid of the attacker, unlike the sterotype that I should have been. As for referring to the demon and beast, obviously it on the surfuce would imply a vampire. But was supposed to convey that the narrator had a certain ignorace of what she really was. And I try not to use the most obvious descriptors. People find, or I try for them to. That I rarely refer directly about a subject. Usauly a subject is not focused on themself, but what is around them. A label of a vampire seemed inappropriate for the narrator, she wouldn't think of it in that way. Also imply a fear of admitting it although she knows she has a inner demon, and thinks of it as a beast. And since she is referring to herself, she sees worse than a brute or fine, those descriptors to me imply a person. She is referring to a supernatural part of herself she does not understand or except. So now we come to if I was writing anything more than a bloody write... I sat down and this came out. I did not think of much, but I was going for a darker write. Gee's Chat last week has me thinkin, you too. BUT when you told me how you interputed it. Its possible. You do have great powers of observation and natural instinct for seeing the obscure. And I can apply what you said. I am not a parasite, but if you switch that word with a couple of others, I can see the relation. What I was going for is that the victim turned the tables on her attacker, and that she also took him by surprise when she turned the tables. With a bloody sweet relishing of it all. So in a way a warning to would be attackers, abusers, users. People who think others are easy victims. I hope that help expand what I was thinking and I will work on smooting it out. I love your review and will cherish it for all that it has given me, mechanics and thought. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}} Julie D.D.

Ok this attempt to give your critique justice, and you are ALWAYS welcome! Critique – Mechanics -Poem changes verb tense a few times. For instance, between stanzas one and two we go from past tense (stanza 1: “He showed”) to present tense (stanza two: “color touches”). I think keeping consistent past tense or present tense would really help the clarity and readability. (I felt this slight sense of confusion as I read this, I think the tenses were what caused it.) -3.4: “would be” –> ‘would-be’ (just a nit-picky preference) Word Choice -1.3: “fear was not what was felt first” –> ‘fear was not at first felt’ or ‘terror was not felt first’ or something along those lines to tighten that line up and smooth out the flow. ******If I used your change Kels, it would imply she did feal fear. Just not first, she did not. She should have... but didn't. -2.8: “a carnal” –> ‘carnal’ ****************as for my choice of "a carnal" would imply more than one, "carnal" lumps them all together. Thier is many types of carnal instinct -3.6: “but indulge the inner bloody beast” –> ‘but I indulge the bloody beast’ (for smoothness and clarity) ************** my word choice accepts she succombed to her inner beast. But yours would imply she made a concious choice too. Order/Form -I liked the form with the shorter poem with longer line-lengths/chunky stanzas. You tell the story that needed to be told in a small space (you write ‘efficiently’) with this one! ***Thanks Imagery/Tone -A haunting tale that I always enjoy seeing interpreted and transformed by others. -“serrated edge of simplicity”, “shade of crimson curiosity”, “the spoils of deviant riches”: loved those images! Very eloquently and disturbingly penned! *****thanks, I liked those too! -However! Your use of images/words such as “demon” (stanza two), and “bloody beast” (stanza three) don’t really seem to be doing it for me. I don’t want you to be flat out saying “vampire” because I like your ability to deter from that, but those two terms just don’t seem to work to me. ‘Brute’ and ‘fiend’ are some alternatives if you want them! ************I explained this in my first attempt, I hope. Intent/Metaphor -Of course love the vampire surface story (as is apparent by my nine hearts from last night) ***********first post, -I’m very curious about the metaphor in this. I’m not sure if you intended one, maybe you just wanted to write a dark and bloody poem. But if there is subtext I’d like to read about it. I’ll share my interpretation too :) -For whatever reason I got this feeling that the “He” in this poem is a spouse or lover (I would assume your hubby, if the narrator is you) and the narrator is you. I think you feel like you’re draining him. Like you’re clinging to him or asking too much of him, or whatever, and that translates into you feeling like some kind of parasite. When you wrote that second-to-last line, “Two wrongs won’t make it right” (glad you adjusted that old adage, by the way), on the surface you’re referring to the fact that he pulled a knife on the narrator and she in turn bit/killed him. But underneath, like deep down within Julie, I think that’s you coming to terms with whatever happened that made you feel like that parasite. Like you realized, “Yeah, I shouldn’t have done that, but I didn’t appreciate what you did, either.” *************first post -Just a perception there, I could be totally off! LOL (and please don’t ask where I came up with that, ‘cause I don’t know! Once I realized that I thought there was another story being told underneath, that’s what my brain told me!) – Thanks for letting me get my critique on ;) ***********************MY PLEASURE!!!!!! I hope I got it all this time!!