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loved

May 20, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

What took you so long?

What took you so long?

I surveyed the graveyard

In the dusk of night
I walked to the graveyard

And

Walked all over, kept out of sight

From all angles

And

Finally my eyes rested

For one moment

On an isolated patch of the yard

Between two slabs

There was perhaps a yard

And

I could, frail as my body be,

Safely squeeze in.

So I thought and there…

I read on the black marble stone,

Here lies Henry, besides his consort.

I heard a voice speak out to me

'What took you so long?''
Can you tell me?

My, twas my Henry,
I once knew

And

Now I shall lie beside him too.

Tomorrow as rose petals they’ll shower,

A bouquet from Henry will sum up the hour.

Before I lie besides him finally,

I would wish to hear him say once again

What took you so long this time?

Alas not in vain…

LOVED

This poem is again about an unrequited love

— loved, May 20, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: ROU

More from this author

Critiques

B

16 years ago

There are ...

possibilities here. A few of the smaller bits need a brush or two, as I think: night a better spelling than nite the two besides, each ought to be beside (they have different meanings, though to some extent nuanced) you've got one lay for lie; it should be: Before I [lie] [beside] him There's more, but here just above I proffer a beginning, an improvement in direction/pathway. Chuck

16 years ago

AS AMENDED

I sir have requested you to be my mentor so I have made the desired corrections . Any more, please do spell out vociferously .Rgds

16 years ago

and another alteration.

"and I could, frail as my body be".. Ah Loved - you know that you're writing about my favourite topic don't you - unrequited love! sigh! Interesting twist you have here! Keep tweaking as Chuck says! lol Boni

16 years ago

Dear Loved

I agree with chuck and boni on this one it still needs a little tidying up and tweaking but you have the beginning of a great poem love and hugs JayCee ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")

16 years ago

thanks

i have made the necessary advised corrections what next pl do advise thanks

16 years ago

Seriously ? if this was my

Seriously ? if this was my poem i would get rid of the bold type ... if your words cant show where your going the bold types just going to make it even more glaring ... but its a good poem and I just dont like the bold print ... but thats just my opinion others will disagree ~! of course big smile love and hugs JayCee ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")

16 years ago

done

hope tis better now

B

16 years ago

So far ...

good job. As to: I walked to the graveyard In the dusk of the night And Walked all over keeping out of sight To start, I'd like to focus on an improvement in order of words/thoughts, and also look for opportunities to be more sparing of words. It's a fundamental paradox (I think) that fewer words can say more than many ... most of the time. With those two guideposts, I posit these possible changes/alterations for the earliest part of your piece: In the dusk of night I walked to the graveyard And Walked all over, kept out of sight I just hereabove hand over a sample. If I were to continue on through the poem, I'd be writing it, something I don't want to do ... since it's yours, after all. If I may, I'd like to suggest you proceed on through the piece with a view to be more sparing of words ... and also perhaps to try out differing word orders from what you have heretofore. If you'd like, you might consider making a double of what you have here, just place it after this one, then make changes/alterations on that template. Make the second version sort of a practice/workshop piece where you can give things a try (or two or three). I'll revisit another time. Chuck PS: Sorry I'm not able to be online more often ... and longer when I am, but ... that is the way this ball has to bounce.

16 years ago

partially

..remedied as suggested thanks hope its better now

G

Grassfield

16 years ago

love?

Is a human really capable of this depth of emotion...I think so, yes...walk slowly...I'll soon follow...Enjoyed the great write!

16 years ago

this poem

.... was written after some ones real life thats all and some imagination of course.

B

16 years ago

Somewhat ...

improved. Could use more work. Of course. But maybe that's enough for now. On to the next ... Before you leave, take the s off the besides, as in: Before I lie besides him finally should be Before I lie beside him finally Yours, Chuck

16 years ago

thanks

..the s has been rightly slaughtered as advised...