Rules of the world

heemm Alice, Well it is well written, great dark piece. So sad. I will have to think on suggestions. Thanks for adding me to your buddylist, look forward to getting to know you. Julie D.D.

i really like this one it speaks the truth.

Have you seen that cellphone commercial with the two guys and they're outfits keep changing? One's like, "You know they say pretty fades...but fly is forever." And then they do that ridiculous hand shake. That's what 2.1 reminded me of. LMAO. -- Mechanics 1.4: "theres" --> 'there's' 2.3: "it's" --> 'its' ("it's" is the contraction form of 'it is' and "its" is the possessive form of 'it') 3.5: "desperatly" --> 'desperately' Word Choice 2.4: "ugly" --> synonym such as 'hideous' or 'repulsive' or 'unsightly' (so you're not repeating "ugly" from two lines up) 2.5: "does not" --> 'doesn't' (be consistent with contraction use) Order/Form I think your last three stanzas don't really add anything to the poem. It's like they're just repeating the same thing over and over. I would suggest deleting the last three stanzas and just end with "but these are the rules of the world". I know that's a very extreme critique, but you know these are just my suggestions/ideas. You can take them or leave them as you like. Imagery/Tone There isn't a lot of imagery to speak of and the tone/wording comes off as tired (like, you were tired when you wrote it and that showed in the tone). To date, I think this is one of your weakest poems. No offense, just observing that you haven't had any issues with mechanics or order/form in a long time, but suddenly with this poem, you do. -- Please let me know if I crossed the line with this critique or if there's anything else I can do to help with the editing. Also, my 'real' protege has pretty much disappeared. He hasn't done any of my requirements yet, but he has discussed his work issues with me so he still has a little time before I drop him. I would, however, still like you to start doing my protege requirements even though you can't be an official protege. I feel like I've become nothing more than your personal spell checker, which I'm not. Please read my updated mentor blog ASAP: http://www.neopoet.com/blog/37718-so-you-want-get-mentored Kelsey

This is a great poem, it is true.... ~Rain~ There's always a rainbow after the rain...

I really like this poem. I extremely agree bout the whole love part. Love does hurt. I really like someone but he is happy with someone else. Its depressing. and it sucks.

This is a good poem! seems sad though. What's up? Remember, the world is not hell, it's not a horrid place. The world is here for us to be servants and to love eachother and be help and have fun! Death is just another part of life qe have to deal with. Life and death. If you choose god's way though, death is not the end Dear! It's onl the begining. The begining of eternal life with God, not sure what your beliefs are but that's mine. good poem! Danielle (:

I take this is just a poem. I hope. They say life is a bitch, then you die. But I think life is what you make it. You can't deal your own hand. It's how you play the cards your dealt. Every hand is a winner. Eververy hands a looser. I just reshuffed the deck. I hope I get a better hand this time. Let me hear those Irish eyes smile. Take Care. huey

I know you like honest feedback, just like me, and I’d like to point out a few things that you may want to change in these stanzas… People die every single fucking day {theres} no break …[there’s] from the pain Beauty fades leaving ugliness in {it’s} place …[its] ugly world that does not love a single soul Love changes it doesn’t stay leaves you cold wounded and wishing {desperately} for death …[desperately] These are the rules of the world {thats} cold uncaring …[that’s] and unloving to everything Rosina xena465

The short lines of your poems makes them nice and easy to read, also gives them a good flow, all stars from me on this one.

Hi Alice, Now don't start throwing things young lady...going to critque it...the grammar and spelling have been picked up by others. Reading this, I kept thinking...this has been written by a young person, It's petulant and depressing and full of angst...but hey! That's the life of a teen! However, it's coming on...and you're making progress. Keep at it girl...my daughter who's 18 thought it was 'cool'! Ells x

this poem is very true but kinda depressing. lol. bit it is very good!