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themoonman
themoonman
May 07, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Unbrailing

Should I wear a sign
raised letters reading
"be careful, I'm alive"

You should know.

We conspired with original seed,
our candle has burned for all of time.

Sure of crispy matters,
priorities icy clear,
we need to keep moving,
the shadows are closing in.

The time of now is upon us,
two more steps and then the stairs.
I want to,
but I can't wait on you.

You're sleeping with your past,
and I have mine.
The flame burns anyway,
... it will without us.

... shouldn't need a sign.
— themoonman, May 07, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

More from this author

Critiques

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Richard

This poem kind of reminds me of a Jerry Jeff Walker song, "Jaded Lover" You probably don't know what I'm talking about, oh well... It is early in the day. I much enjoyed your poem. Favorite lines: You’re sleeping with your past, and I have mine. The flame burns anyway, … it will without us. … shouldn’t need a sign. (faces in your dreams, fingers in your back. J.J.W.) Always, Cat
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 1 month ago

Cat...

I happen to love all of the old music, hell, I'm old. thanks for commenting Richard
Kailashana

Kailashana

16 years 1 month ago

My darling Moonman, I’ll

My darling Moonman, I'll come back, just feeling some tweaks here and there, but the last line, doesn't work (for me)... would you consider an alternate ending like, *a sign crosses over us*? Love, Anna "The plain man is familiar with blindness and deafness, and knows from his everyday experience that the look of things is influenced by his senses, but it never occurs to him to regard the whole world as a creation of his senses." ~ Ernst Mach
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 1 month ago

Hi Anna...

I would love to hear your tweaks... the last line, hmmmm, my cynical ending doesn't work for you and it could have more of an upbeat ending. This poem is written in stone, ha ha, but I've got my etching tools out in case I should want to change it. I suppose the last line could be something like... there are signs everywhere, or something pertaining to that... thanks for making me think about it more... and give me your tweaks... Richard
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Richard

Like Anna the last line didnt sit with me but the rest of the poem is a great poem and I mean great .... I got a couple of hours today for neopoet ... wish your wife a happy mothers day for me will you,half way over here ... lol love and big hugs JayCee x x ("Quote:-For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it. For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it. For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.-Ivan Panin")
M

mantiscepter

16 years 1 month ago

The UN.

Was a well worded write. loved the swings, in tempo. and the jist of it as a whole. were they? icy clear... well written and I enjoyed it . and the ending. Mantiscepter
Bonitaj

Bonitaj

16 years ago

United we stand

The women's chorus I'm afraid! Hi Richard - Great to have you back but... agree with Cat & Jay Cee, the last line - by implication stands - don't put it in - or change it to something stronger if you need to! More than a little chilling: The time of now is upon us, two more steps and then the stairs. I want to, but I can’t wait on you. (or is that FOR YOU?) Nice write! Boni
judyanne

judyanne

16 years ago

i actualy like the last line as it is

it comes full circle with the beginning of the work and rounds it off i really enjoyed this write richard despite (or perhaps because of) it's cynicism love judy xxx
Hooded Stranger

Hooded Stranger

16 years ago

Richard

Richard, loved the subject matter and really liked the awkward tempo to this. I thought the final line was perfect...it brought the whole piece 360˚. (in agreement with Judyanne) Good write my friend. How's work going...still to busy? HS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth and yet nobody sees me".
M

Mariposa

16 years ago

I love your titles

and I love your work. it is so completely distinct, unique to you. I liked the last phrase and am ambivalent about "...shouldn't need a sign". It does tie things together but seems a little awkward all by itself. Keep it up, man of the moon! Jhena Mariposa