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T
Troddew
May 02, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

i Stand Alone



A sentinel stands alone
all around him he is feeling, hearing, sensing, watching...but never touching
and knowing this
he still stands alone


Trodderw - 5/01/10

— Troddew, May 02, 2010

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

Ravenshakti

Ravenshakti

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Troddew...

Some poems, in just a few words say it all...just like yours. This one, I feel deeply... Simply exquisite. Gentle regards, Raven-Shakti PS A very warm Welcome to Neopoet!
xena465

xena465

16 years 1 month ago

Welcome Troddew

Like Raven-Shakti said "so little words can say so much"...well done. It would look much better if you placed your poem in separate lines...just a suggestion. Rosina xena465
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 1 month ago

Sentinel...

I agree, it would look much better in separate lines. As they say, I feel ya. [Don't let Wendy know] Welcome to Neo. I just know, that you will have plenty of friends here. Feel free to message me anytime, ~ Gee
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 1 month ago

mmm, love the piece, simple and very effective

I don't agree with the comments about splitting the second line, to me it adds impact to the third line. However I don't think the last line needs "still" spelling- sentienel sentinel Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible, "the alleged short-cut to knowledge, which is faith, is only a short-circuit destroying the mind." [Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged]
T

Troddew

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks

Elf - I agree about not splitting the 2nd line - But The "still" part is to emphasize my insanity - that even though I know that keeping myself apart from the rest of the world is not healthy as well as counter productive because I want to find someone to share my life with, I still don't reach out ... does that make sense?
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 1 month ago

mmmm, tricky

I think the problems for me are using first person in the title but third person in the poem and the word sentinel. Sentinel implies a duty or job, he has no choice but to stand alone. So if you made it a simile and changed it to first person your meaning might be clearer. Something like this- Like a sentinel I stand alone all around me I am feeling, hearing, sensing, watching but never touching and knowing this I still stand alone actually that would work in third person too, if you changed the title to match. Hope this is helpful, Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible, "the alleged short-cut to knowledge, which is faith, is only a short-circuit destroying the mind." [Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged]
T

Troddew

16 years ago

I like it

in 1st person - Thank you very much - Elf have you done this before? ")
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years ago

[smiles]

for 3 years on Neopoet, have an MA in poetry and have written reviews for poetry journals, Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible, "the alleged short-cut to knowledge, which is faith, is only a short-circuit destroying the mind." [Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged]