HOME

THERE is one thing I live for , and that is to wake up early in morning and  be a witness to the rising of the sun. whenever the sun sets  there is always  that exciting feeling  one can' t explain but you know you've got to feel it without having to express yourself , people especialy those who live in the city often ask ' whats the big deal  about the sun? anyway , everyone  knows it , and often than not has expirienced its heat and besides the people who make such a big deal to watch thesun set  have nothing better to do with their time ,they don't have a job to get to , no kids to prepare  for school.
WHY do people in ALIWAL NORTH  make such a big  deal the sun ? its not like its  something new  and different , well I 'd like to think it is , I mean  each and every morning the sun rising represents a new begining, a second chance , new hopes rise  , but also  a warm day especially in winter when the days are nothing but cold and kids are confined in the house for the whole day. so the sun for kids indicate that  a playfull day without any interruptions from the weather .

MY name is NOMAZANA and I'm 11 years but  I  don't know  when my birthday is  ,because I don't have  a birth certificate , where I come from  it is normal   for a person to not  have a document that proves you alive or not  and that includes not having a father  around  ,which  I  sure don't have , but I 'm not having any sleeplees nights over that , no I'm not.
I  live in a 2 room house with my grand ma , six cousins , two aunts and one good for niks uncle .
OCCASIONALLY  we tend to go bed having eaten nothing for the whole day  but drink  water just to keep your grumbling stomach still , this kind of diet would kill alot of kids from those model c schools  but us  we used to it ,it has gotten to point  we're so used to starving that even when  there is food we won't eat much for fear of  running out of the little that  we have , because half the time the whole neighbourhood is in the same situation and we'd have to share with  the house next door  so that they 'd also have a meal for the night.
I go to W. H COETZER school  a predominantly afrikaans speaking school ,this is ALIWAL NORTH'S model c school where the 'rich' kids go ,I'm in that school  because well in my area our house is considered the one which is well off because all of MA MPINGA 's grand children go there ,even though sometimes we'd have go to school barefoot and at home we have nothing  to eat for breakfast  ,to community we're still above th poverty line,any way there are some people in the house who tend to think that because we can speak afrikaans fluently  we're above others and act like they 've got more  money than BILL GATES  can think of making and sadly their arrogance bouders on nothing but annoying for me . some times I  ask myself how any of would ever achieve anything because half of them are way too lazy and can't stand that requires working hard , ah ,especially my uncle  who is the worst of the bunch , he can convince you that he is capable of turning black into white  , he has mastered the art of lying  and has gotten away with lying so many times that I often think what he says has to be truth when in fact its a lie . he is scrawny,skinny looking looking, tall man with fingers that are so long  I could swear they were crafted to dig a grave .
FUNNYthing is that he is the only person  in the family  that I feel could tolarate without getting annoyed even though he is always drunk ,every person in the family excluding  the kids ( 4 are heading that road) are victims of alcohol and live for the bottle, sadest thing is that at times we would have no food in the house because someone  is in dept  for alcohol , when pay day comes  they wear these grave faces like its someone's fault that they  take alcohol for credit  they don't get  enjoy  their money  because the mashonisa's would be waiting for them outside their work place ., and try telling them to stop drinking alcohol,and boy would you wish  you didn't  , it is one thing  to deal  with my family members  when their sober and angry but its another one entirely dealing with when their drunk and angry .  

MY SELF I PREFER them drunk than angry even though I  may not aprove of alcohol . especially my grandma , now there is the definition of a force of nature , alcohol aside my gran is the most hard working old woman  on this planet and she has a temper to match,every person in vula vala is terrified of her . WE all know that once you've upset my  gran you will never know the meanig of the word peace ,for you will never hear the end of it  ,you will be called every name that is unauthorised in the dictionary and yet if  us kids ever uttered any these words she would scold us as if we'd killed someone , talk about hipocracy and we'll crack our heads trying to understand what  these  words mean .
gran  has 3  living daughters but all together she  had 9 daughters thus the 21 grand kids , the other 6 died  from  sicknesses  only  the alders know about  . MY mother one of the three living ones lives ,well th last we heard she was living  in johannesburg , and the last time anyone in the family  ever saw her  was when  I  was six months old  and that was when she was going to drop me off to my gran to go visit a friend  ( some visit it was because it lasted for next eleven years of my life )and well that too is normal ,I mean for a family member to dispear for a number of years without one's knowledge of their whereabout until they return with nothing but as  a dead corpse and any way  its normal  for mothers to leave children with the grand parent because she has to work in a far place were kids are no of no priority but some mothers , they come back every fortnight or holiday to see their kids . my mother .......... she never bothered.

EVERYONE SAYS I 'm a clever kid ,cause I can do anything with no hardship,I get graet marks at school ,a fluent reader considering where I'm from ,I 'can draw better than my art taecher . I love books but don't get to read much due lack of libraries in  aliwal  north ,the only books I get are from my english teacher ,I' m the inly one who ever gets I  don't know why but hey , I 'm not complaining at least I get to read but I  always have to write my analyses of the book and give to her , I don;t think its for marks because the others are never given books to analyse .
GRAN always asks us like what is it that we want to become when we older ,the others always answer something like a doctor or a teacher but I never  answer  because they will ridicul my dream with remarks like what on earth is librarian and what do librarians do anyway? or how much money do they make in month ?. for me its not about the money ,yes right now I'm poor and I would to live a life were I do'nt have to worry about where my next meal will come from, but for me its about passion and mine is words ,book  . MY biggest dream is to to have my own library were books of every kind will be stored and I will write and read without any disturbancies.
OUR shack is small and can be  cramped whenever all us are there , we all excluding gran sleep on the floor she sleep on the only bed because she sickly and her body cannot endure thefloor for long periods of time , we're poor but if you loked at us you never think so because unlike the other kids in the area  we forced  to bath three times a day daily because my gran would nvere let her grandkids to be thought of as pigs and we never ever eat in other people's houses no matter how hungry we may be that would so humiliating for gran for people would think she does not feed her family. I have one friend hre name is inga , she half colured and half sotho (her mom is sotho) she is one of the dirtiest kids in the area but I don't judge her for  that and besides she the only one who never lies about me  and always listens to what I say even if it doesn't make and in all the brats I  know she is the only  I don't ever feel like beating up ,cause she has no time to make fun of me  .I 'm always in trouble ,at school ,in the play ground and of course at home , everyone says that I have a violent temper but I think I'm anythink but violent I just don't take too well on people who make fun my family and others especially like my aunt dying of aids ,see that is was a lie becauseaunt SINDI
was sick for while and could not do normal things like wash herself because of athritis ,she become thin everyday and died in hospital of TB  but the community gossip cycle made it out like she died of aids because she had lost so much weight  because of her sickness , the day after her funeral  I coming home from school when ZANELE  whose mother is the creater of most of this gossip in this place threw a ball at me  I took the ball and threw in the opposite direction to MAVUMO's garden knowing that it get ZANELE into trouble  ,she retaliated and screamed at me saying things that were faulse so I just  started walking when she screamed  "I don't want that ball anymore ,you probably  gave the aids from your aunty " I lost it and charged into her knocking off her feet ,I wanted to kill right there and then  " my aunt didn't have you stupid " I kept screaming while we punching each other onto the ground .her mother must have haerd the commotion  because she ran to break apart and asked who started the fight ,I  didn't say because I  was craving for her brat's blood and ZANELE the loud mouth told her I was the one whostarted  the fight  . oh no! I DIDN'T  ,I wanted to say but didn't for I was on the verge of crying  and there was I was cry in front those that would destryed my repatation as the best fighter  on our street  and anyway, I figured since I was gonna another beating  at home  for being involved in a fight  , I  should  save my tears  for moment and sure enough when I  got home gran was fuming with a belt in one hand ,so  my tears proved to be worth the saving cause I sure got the beating.
AS I have said I' ve with my gran and cousins for the rest of my life  and I have never met my mother  , no body ever mentions her ,even though she is my mother and I want to know  something about her  gran never want to talk about her at times I would ask a question gran would act like I' m some annoying kid who has to be brushed off .
ONCE I asked  if my mother ever calld or wrote to found out how I was doing , gran angrly said no and I could tell that she was still  angry about her living child to never return or write to say if she was alive or not  for 11 years she never contacted her family . 
I guess I undrestood why gran was angry , I  too wondered if she thought about me ,why didn't she write  or come home for christmas and other holidays , my biggest was to have my mother home for christmas ,but that never seemed likely to ever come true ,I stopped caring and let go of that dream because if your motheris going to walk  out on you and never come back ,that means she never cared ,a part me though still hoped for that moment when she 'd walk into the house with all sorts  things and she would never go away and she make up for all the time that she has been out my life and I 'd stop being mad at her  ,we would tell each other of how much we love on another ,but I doubted if that  would ever happen  .
all I  could do was wish .
THE schools closed on a monday (what a great way to start a week) for the december holidays and alot of kids were happy fro their had gotten their reports ,those who passed were happy and those seemed tomove like zombies but that would pass because there is nothing tha could the spirit  of holidays and christmas , I  on the otherside didn't get my report because I still owed the school some money ,so untill someone paid the outstanding fees I don't get to know if I passed or not ,in my heart know I passed so it was not a big deal ,not getting my report that is .

TWO weeks after the schools had closed and well 3 days before christmas and gran seemed to be to be in good mood ,and we were suspicious because she is moody person and its rare that you see her in a good mood ,no one wanted to ruin her mood but we had who was the source who could make her like , we needed to know the secret , so it was decided that i would be the bubble buster and it be the whoaks the question and be in trouble as always .
 I swallowed a stone for bravety and went to gran  to ask her what was  up ? why was she smiling so much? . she said that the call she got was from my mother sayng she would be home for christmas . you can imagine my shock and joy at this news  for the first time I felt light headed and was so happy, you know the feeling you get when finally maths equations you've bee struggling and now you can finish  the entire term because you what is supposed to be done ,well thats  how I felt,my mommy was coming and suddenly my anger vanished   and was replaced by anticepation, I told anyone who passed my  way that my mother was coming, I was the only the whole was we spring cleaned the house, but as it happens christmas came and past , where was my mother ? nowhere ,she never even bothered to call to say that she had changed and dicedede not come.nothing!
I WAS  so disappointed I swore that I would never enjoy anything in my life again , she should not had bothered to call in the first place . how could she ? I  should have known that she was never gonna come , gosh I  hated her .

ONE week had past after christmas  stiil no word from her ,we didn't have a TV  at home , so we were pretty much ignorant  when it came to the news and the world . new year's eve was not eventful either for us kids because it is considered the day adults let go and have fun .

THE knock came late at night and gran got shouting "who is it that is banging at my my door like they paid ?". when she opened the there were two men standing outside  we were all wake and standing behind my gran  , they asked to be let in . they were let in and gran impatiently asked them ''what do you from at this hour of the night '?.
THE man seemed scared or something , one asked " uhm .mam is MS MDLOVU related to you or not?
yah ,man  she is my  daughter , what about her? ASKED GRAN
THEY both looked around the roonm like they counting how many were in the room  and one the men said  "I m sorry mam  ,your daughter is no longer with  us ,  three  weeks  ago there was a collision between a car and a bus , the driver of the car was your daughter .
MY world stop moving and all I could think about was " please come  back, I did'nt mean i what I THOUGHT I don't hate  mommy ,I love you. I'm not mad.