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DawningDaytripper
DawningDaytripper
Apr 27, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Feed my fire

Feeding my fire from the other side

serving a feast for my minds eye

catching time as it will forever reside
 

Some seek, but still duck and hide

searching for that which they can rely

feeding my fire from the other side
 

Competing for my chance to ride

to relish this very moments high

catching time as it will forever reside
 

Found in the middle of the divide

looking past yesterdays sad goodbye

feeding my fire from the other side
 

Standing with people I can confide

compelled to give the sporting try

catching time as it will forever reside
 

Its not easy to release what’s inside

but I anti- up, not always sure why

feeding my fire from the other side

catching time as it will forever reside

— DawningDaytripper, Apr 27, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

More from this author

Critiques

the_fool

the_fool

16 years 1 month ago

it's not easy

to take a single rhyme that long. but this was good and the repitition helped exactly where you needed it to. i will read this again in the future t_f
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Julie

Still learning about villanelle I am writing my own and getting a mate to check it to make sure I know what I am talking about ... but I had a problem with the line feed my fire from the blinded side feed my fire from the blind side sounds smoother but i am not sure if you have to stick to a strict syllable count ... but that those words cause me to pause everytime I am not voting on comp entries so as to be fair in the judging at the end of the month, so please dont think I like it .. its just that one line thats sticking out for the time being thats bothering me ... going to read up tonight get my head round it (villanelle I mean) lol love and hugs Jayne-Chloe ("Quote:- Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance. Addison Joseph")
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks Jayne, it is sylable

Thanks Jayne, it is sylable count that is dictating the ed on blind, but I am not realy estaticly happy with it either. I will work on it and hopefully make us both happy LOL. Thanks for taking the time Seren, Love and Hugs xoxoxo Julie D.D.
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Double thumbs up

thats so much better Julie its got flow divine ;) love and biggest hugs JayCee x x x ("Quote:- Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance. Addison Joseph")
M

manawa

16 years 1 month ago

I like it DD and relate to

I like it DD and relate to what your saying.. still I want to hide... and yet... and thats such a nice way to put it feeding my fire from the blinded side... and your right its not easy to open whats inside but we are compelled to do it... isnt that the adventure pushing those boundaries realising and discovering them accepting then transcending... cheers m
xena465

xena465

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Julie

Wouldn't mind a ride on the wild side myself, but me being boring my wild side has diminished for a time...so I need my fire fed...nice one Julie Rosina xena465
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

OH Rosina your stars

OH Rosina your stars indicate I could improve, spill it. What is it that turns you off? I want the truth! Thanks for the read and time, and no worries about the issue with the poem unless you got time Luv, Julie D.D.
xena465

xena465

16 years 1 month ago

Sorry Julie

I didn't think it was as good as your usual poems. The repeat of the last lines on each stanza kina put me off I don't know what villanelle means, perhaps the repeats are something to do with this? Rosina xena465
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

No problem Rosina, I am so

No problem Rosina, I am so glad you came back and told me what you weren't feeling. Yes a vllanelle is a set ryhme pattern. The most famous example is by Dylon thomas please go not gently into the night= A rage, rage against the dying of the light= C It is 5 stanzas of 3 lines and the sixth stanza is 4 lines So you start out with your A line, write B line that does not ryhme, and then top that first stanza off with your C line which ryhmes with your A line. Then in the following stanzas you want to alternate your last lines from and starting with A line and then next Stanza will end with the C line All middle lines in your stanza have to have the same ryhme. Like mine is high, bye, rely, we will call that B for it should ryhme with your B line. Usualy set to a syllable count, or meter So you only get to ryhme with two lines, looks like this A 1st line B 2 nd line C 3rd line, ryhmes with 1st A 4th line, ryhmes with A and C B 5th line, ryhmes with B a 6th line, is line a A 7th line, ryhmes with A and C B 8th line, ryhmes with B C 9th line, is line C A 10th line, ryhmes with A and C B 11the line, ryhmes with B A 12th line, is line A A 13th line, ryhmes with A and C B 14th line, ryhmes with B C 15th line, is line C A 16th line ryhmes with A and C B 17th line ryhmes with B A 18th line is line A C 19th line is line C wikipedia http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/villanelle Etymology From the French [edit] NounSingular villanelle Plural villanelles villanelle (plural villanelles) (poetry) a type of poetry, consisting of five tercets and one quatrain, with only two rhymes. And it is Aprils Neo contest! I have been having lots of fun Rosina, you should try one. It would be great! Julie D.D.
xena465

xena465

16 years 1 month ago

Gosh!!!

I'm totally dumbfounded!!! This is all too complicated for me Julie. As you know, I write my poems without knowing about syllabus and all the other stuff that makes up a professional poem. That's why I found it hard to give you a proficient comment. I write what I feel from my heart, as you and all my poet friends know and understand, and everyone rates my poems on that, rather than professionalism, so if I don't get star ratings or less than five, I don't worry about it personally, because I'm the kind of poet that I am, and when people comment on my poems, great comments or not so great, I appreciate it. It’s better than none at all, because I have to work hard with each poem, just like everyone else. Good luck Julie with the competition, and everyone else that’s entering. I’m finding it hard to comment on my friend’s poems for fear of saying the wrong thing, because I don’t have a clue about this style of poetry. Rosina xena465
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Love the new Pic Rosina! Oh,

Love the new Pic Rosina! Oh, I am sorry. It wasn't the stars I was worried about, most don't even leave me any. I don't usualy use them. I just used them this time to measure how you liked it. And.. well... dear you give few 3 star ratings. That meant you didn't like it, which is all fine. I was just trying to bait you in to telling me why, My bad. Don't be fearful of what you comment. I truely don't care. Stars that is, I care tons about you and what you think. We have great poets around here who make and don't make the votes and what that leads to. Its all about time and focus. I don't always give stars so I don't even usualy get them. As evidence in most of my other comments. You didn't have to remove stars either, I do apologize. I was not trying to forse a villianelle lesson on you either, I know that you write spontanously. Your very good at it. Can't help but think you would do great with structured poetry. I love both for differant reasons. I typed it out for everyone who might be interested. Those who didn't know it was a form of structured poetry. I could have given a link. But I was moved to spell it out. Again, my bad. I was just trying to draw your issues out with this poem. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Stars are the root of all evil. Oh did I type that out loud. My bad. Julie D.D.
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

Rosina,

don't be afraid to speak your mind! There's lots of love here in this place! Your friends love you and appreciate every moment of your time that you offer them! They (I mean 'we', as I would like to include myself in that friendship!) won't be offended if you point out something that you think needs improvement! Who knows, your idea could secure the win for Julie :) Thanks so much for the luck-wishing! Kelsey
M

magics02

16 years 1 month ago

To Rosalina and Julie too:)

Give it a go, I never wrote one either and found myself like in a rubic's cube at times with it. It does challenge the mind and that is good. I also write my own style but like to come out of comfort zone sometimes and try new things. Your comments come out fine Xena, just be honest like you are and tell it like you read it and/or feel it. Most people here know by now this is a workshop and we are all here to learn our art. Taking a crit for good or bad is a learning tool to help and not to hinder or make others feel inadequate. It is one big learning lesson the workshop that is why they call it that. I challenge you Rosalina to just give it a try, just once... You may surprise yourself like I did. Julie gave a great description of the abc's of it. Good job Julie. I will be on the look out.:) Magics Mona TIME well spent is TIME well lived
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

I guess after

the movie The Blind Side, "blinded side" sounds a little strange, but it has a cool sound when read aloud. Is that meter I hear? Something about the line "Thanks for taking me on a wild ride" sounds a little off to me. I'm trying to figure out why. Maybe change "a wild ride" to 'that wild ride'? Hmmmm.... I'll have to think about that one for a while and get back to you. Giving me a run for my money, huh? You go girl :) Kelsey
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

I am going to put some work

I am going to put some work in to that line, I haven't seen the movie but on review and response, does not seem to be working. I do want to see the movie. Thanks Kelsey, and I wish I knew more about meter, but I do try to incorporate good rythem in my words, and this is on a 10 sylable count, I tend to be drawn to the foot, Da Dum sound. Not that this is, but olde english meter is extremly interesting because it is not a set meter. So I think that will be one of my next projects to try. I love balance being a libra, but am doomed to always chase it and be entranced by the abnormal. Me and old english meter should have alot of fun! Silly me talking like poetic forms where interesting people. But true I guess. And of coarse I am giving you a run for your money, so when one of us win we know that either of us deserved it! Jonathan and Lisa are in this hunt too, and I haven't studied others, but they are out there! Should be a good competition! I wish they would make more of a deal announcing it and who won, give us second and thrid places. Then more people would do it.... I guess winning isn't my ultimate goal LOL! But cultivating great competition is! Julie D.D.
A

anonymous1

16 years 1 month ago

You're on a roll!

Good villanelle. You nailed the last stanza, perfect ending. Besides a solid piece, if working hard, a good attitude and an awesome spirit count for anything, this should be your win. Good going. Lisa
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks Lisa, But I had to

Thanks Lisa, But I had to rework the whole thing, it just wasn't setting right with me. Or half my audience. Did you catch the reworked version? Anyways I appreaciate the support. By the way I did get to read your new one and its another great example of a vilinelle, I just got distracted during your comment. I will try to make it back on by and leave a comment this time! Julie D.D.
A

anonymous1

16 years 1 month ago

TRiPPy

You must have been working on it at the same time I was reading and commenting! The couplet does work better and I still like the last stanza. It rocks. Lisa
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 1 month ago

Also,

don't you think there should be a place where there are links to all the contest entries? That would make it so much easier for us to size up the competition! Kelsey
A

anonymous1

16 years 1 month ago

Yes I do!

At the very least, we should be able to read all the entries after a winner has been chosen. I think it would help us all to improve. I have thought the same thing, Kelsey. Lisa
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Ladies

I agree with you both I think its a great idea i will bring it up with the committee this evening ... I have an idea that will work for you both ... I have the contest entries on my control panel ... I can get all the links and post to one blog so you can view them till we can work something out ... how would that work ? love JayCee ("Quote:- Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance. Addison Joseph")
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

That sounds like a great

That sounds like a great idea in place of it being all set up by the site, maybe one day. Since us ladies know what we want! Thanks Jayne! Julie D.D.
Seren

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

The list as requested Ladies

The list as requested Ladies Love and big hugs JayCee http://www.neopoet.com/blog/38945-contest-entries-april-competition ("Quote:- Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance. Addison Joseph")
Geezer

Geezer

16 years 1 month ago

I loved it...

You not only stuck to form, but made it a beautiful piece! Very nice work! I may just try this stuff myself. ~ Love ya, Gee
M

magics02

16 years 1 month ago

Good luck Dawn

I had fun with mine and I think you penned this one just write!!! I was going to do another but my head been in a blunder. Lol. Your explanation of the style of this poem was very good also I have to say. Keep up the good works Villanelle way ( just dont forget the vanilla LOL) ice cream that is Magics02 TIME well spent is TIME well lived