Cousin Frankie

Oh, this is so sad... Im so sorry... ~Rain~ There's always a rainbow after the rain...

Alice, I have now read your blog which is connected to this poem. I haven't given stars or nominated this piece as to be honest, it doesn't want to be up in lights. You are grieving and carrying a huge amount of guilt. I hope your poem and blog has helped relieve some of the emotions you are going through. I am going to pm you shortly and discuss this matter with you privately as this open forum isn't the place. I will say you are a brave girl for writing and posting this...the courage to release this openly shows you do have an inner strength and it will be that strength that will get you through. Good for you girl. HS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth and yet nobody sees me".

Missed speaking to you and I am now getting caught up on my lost readings, I am sorry for the loss of your cousin honey. Please write me anytime. You are not the cause of it or your nightmare, Nightmares come when we are stressed, at least that is what sometimes appears to me...Soon you will dream in a light of love and memories of your dear cousin. Missed you and love you too ciao bella Mona xx0x0x

to see everyone coming here to support and comfort Alice. She thanked you, but I'm gonna thank you too (Thank You Everyone!). I wish I would've had a community like this when I was younger so I could have people who cared that I could go to when I experienced tough times. I totally agree with Mona. It is in no way your fault, Dear Alice. Our mind can do horrible things to us, in our sleep and when we are awake. Frankie loves you and is proud of you. Never forget that! Critique coming shortly. Kelsey

I've got a much more structured critique form going now. Hopefully it will be much easier to follow. -- Mechanics (Grammar and Spelling) -No mechanical issues! You go girl! Order/Form -The repetition used throughout works very well. It creates a very strong urgency to the words and give the poem this pounding feeling. It's very haunting. -I would suggest perhaps making each question it's own stanza. That would be an interesting way to change things up a bit and try something new. It might also add to that urgency and pounding feeling I was talking about. Punctuation/Capitalization/Line Breaks -You're doing a great job of using minimal punctuation. That one comma and that one exclamation mark you used were perfectly placed! Well done! -You also do a great job of using capitalization! You're really one a role with this one chica! I don't know how you do it! - Your line breaks work for most of the poem and coincide well with your capitals, but there are a few places that need a little adjusting I think. Everywhere that you start a line with "that" (1.6, 3.2, 3.5) is a little stumble-y to me. I think if you moved the "that" to the end of the previous line (1.5, 3.1, 3.4) it would read much more smoothly. It would also add a starkness to those lines that would probably also add to that pounding again! Word Choice -I think at least one of the "scream's" you have (one's on 1.7, one on 2.2 and the third is on 3.5) should be changed to another synonym like 'shrieking' or 'screeching' so that you don't have that one word repeated more than it needs to be (but I probably wouldn't change the first one. Changing the third one would be your best bet). I also think those alternatives would add to the car image (since those are usually sounds cars make) which would be a great use of subtext/deeper meaning. -I also think stanza four would be a little better if you made the first two lines the whole question. Then the last three lines could be a statement that justified Frankie's questioning of you and would cause further disquiet in you. To do that you would simply add a few words to the last three lines to make them a separate statement. Something like "I was right behind you" (adding 'I was' to the beginning of 4.3) would work fine I think. Tone -As I said in the 'Order/Form' section, the repetition creates a very haunting feel to this poem. That makes sense since this is the nightmare you're having. Very well done! Imagery -You don't use any metaphor or simile in this poem. I think this really works because there is nothing that can be compared to the feelings in this poem. There is no reason to try to say 'this is what it was like' because what really happened (in your dream at least) was painful enough. They're also emotions that everyone can relate to. So we don't need help understanding and sympathizing. It comes naturally. Metaphor and simile are only needed when you can't directly explain the feelings that you have. In this poem you do a wonderful job of expressing your feelings directly. Brava Chica! -The image of screaming behind you is also very powerful. People can scream in your face but when they are behind you and you can't see their face it's more stinging (I think). -- Keep being brave and keep up the good writing! I see you improving with every poem! Kelsey

you asked for this critique and you said I could knock you on your back, but I was still worried about giving you a critique on this one. Please let me know if this was just too much for this poem. Forgive me, if it was. We're here for you, Alice. Kelsey

Hi Alice, I din't think of this before, but, I think you should look at my poem, "He Will Live On", it might help you feel better... sending you my love ~Rain~ There's always a rainbow after the rain...

I am so sorry to get here late ... there are no words for a write like this one respect and support and love are what I leave, I am so sorry for your loss hun love and biggest hugs Jayne-Chloe ("Quote:- Death is the great adventure beside which moon landings and space trips pale into insignificance. Addison Joseph")