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HAIKU-SENRYU by:itzhak bareket.

        1.   smiling little girl
           
           lying on a stone alone

               will she find her way ?


        2.         HEAVY  STONES AND  ROCKS

                      ON THE GROUND AND MANY HEARTS
  
                           WHO WILL HELP, WHO ? YOU ?

        3.   pure gold wheat great fields

                ready to offer theyr  goods

                   blessed summer  earth's gift.


      4.             ON THE PEAK, WINTER

                           ON THE VALLEY, SINGING SPRING

                               NO DOUBT, WIN  WILL SPRING .  
— itzhak bareket, Apr 25, 2010

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Country/Region: ISR

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Critiques

R

raj

16 years 1 month ago

good ones

five seven n five syllables dance merrily your haikus are fine... raj..
Bloodstone

Bloodstone

16 years 1 month ago

You shine brighter here, It

You shine brighter here, It seems, in 5's and 7's. Though, may I spot you? smiling little girl lying on a stone alone, will she find her way? HEAVY STONES AND ROCKS ON THE GROUND AND MANY HEARTS! WHO WILL HELP, WHO? YOU? great wheat fields, pure gold,<-(Here maybe change 'pure' to 'of' eg; 'of gold' ready to offer their goods. blessed summer, earth’s gift. ON THE PEAK, WINTER ON THE VALLEY, SINGING SPRING NO DOUBT? SPRING WILL WIN.<-(or mabe 'WIN, WILL SPRING') Note: I see that you request no critiqueing of internal mechanics etc. Hence I hope you do not find this intrusive. I am only posting because I really like what you've got going here. I'm responding as I would to a friend. I only inserted a few punctuation marks and the two noted changes. I like the way you have it structured: 1,2,3,4 etc. I'm just trying to compress this response as to not take up too much space. I will look out for new poetry (and haiku) of yours, Itzhak. Peace..