Love is death

Alice, This is dark and twisted and with recent events in mind, shows your anger inside. I was looking for a tempo and structure, but somehow without either of those present this one works. I love this stanza: Webs of lies wrap around your heart while love cuts your throat the last line of that stanza kills any aspect of a rhythm...it kills it flat and that works so well. Short and punchy, good stuff. HS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "With all that I am and all that I could be, I walk this earth and yet nobody sees me".

Gory details are my favorite! :D -- Mechanics -Nothing here! You are a Goddess! Order/Form -3 four-line stanzas and 1 five-line stanza --> good to see you mixing it up! -You'll notice that this poem is a lot shorter than you've been writing. You're getting everything you need to say in a smaller space; that's AWESOME! Punctuation/Capitalization/Line Breaks -You really hit the nail on the head with this one girl! It all looks good! Keep it up! Word Choice -Started rhyming in the beginning but then it fell off until the very end. I think that's what Hooded Stranger meant by the tempo and rhythm being lost. -I would like to see you put rhyme throughout the poem 'cause I love the rhyme in the first stanza! "All truth to hell/deception to skies" is amazing! -2.4: "cuts" --> 'slices' or 'gashes' (those synonyms sound much more violent and excruciating than 'cuts') -3.4: "death is always there" --> 'death is close behind' or 'death is soon to follow' or even 'death will then arise' if you want to do the rhyming. -4.1: "all over" --> "everywhere" or even 'ubiquitous' (that's my big word for the day, LOL) -4.3: don't repeat "throat" --> 'neck' or 'jugular' will do fine Tone -The tone is visceral (gross/disturbing) and dark, but in such a limited space the tone gets the short end of the stick. It doesn't get a chance to be fully developed. -You don't have to make the poem longer because you did a great job of saying everything you needed to say in a small space but the tone is underdeveloped and it makes the poem feel a little dull. Your poetry lately has packed such a powerful punch! We need to see that same power in this one. -Use words, phrases, and images that sound dark, angry, visceral or even 'evil' to develop the tone, but try to be subtle about it. "Webs of lies" is a fantastic example of your tone. 'Webs' mean spiders are near and spiders ("creepy crawlies") frighten people. 'Lying' is wrong and hurtful so by combining webs (scary) with lies (hurtful) you get a powerful punch of emotions in a little bitty line without blatantly saying 'Oooh this is scaaarrrry! BOO!'. See what I'm saying? -You don't want to sound like a rant or a Stephenie Meyers novel (no offense if you like her, I think she's crap). You want angry and twisted yet eloquent, poetic and 'efficient'. -I think rhyming could really be used to your advantage with the tone if you decide to use it. Think Edgar Allan Poe, Tim Burton, or even Lemony Snicket! Imagery -You have some really great images here! Like I said I love "truth to Hell" and "web of lies" and I love the bursting heart. Just work on amping up your tone and you'll have one freaking awesome poem on your hands! -Your personification of Love and Death is awesome! -- :) Kelsey

a lot said with a few lines. I like the stanzas that rhyme better. But the poems works the way it is. I'm not real big on so called rules anyway. Main thing is have fun or just unload like you did here. It's better than hitting a wall. Just to find the stud behind the sheetrock. Take Care. huey

this poem is really good, i wish i could write like this, lol, see yah soon :)