judyanne

Apr 21, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Earliest Memory

A primary memory with me stays

throughout this life, this whole incarnation.

I, Me, Emotion unchanged all my days

prompting a wondrous consideration..

Above the ground smooth gentle floatation,

headed for somewhere, I make not a sound.

A nebulous mood of glum negation,

Not wanting to what? I have never found.

I watch a child play in the dirt below.

I am then that child, but somehow still me

seeing above me a smoke face billow,

to myself wondering ‘who can that be?’

When people say there is no life but this

I think of then and the thought I dismiss.

— judyanne, Apr 21, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story

Critiques

Clem

16 years 1 month ago

Content/form

I love children so I love this poem. We all made some of our profoundest decisions about things that are not seen in those years. Considering the sonnet-ness of the poem. Your lines are not perfect iambic pentameter. I say that after counting the syllables. There should be ten in each line. Now, know that all do not agree with that method. It is a mathematicians way but it seems to me that if each iamb is two syllables then five iambs would be ten. I see a shift in thought after line 8 which is another characteristic of a sonnet and I see a twist at the end which is a necessary part of the sonnet. So that’s an analysis of the form. Hop it helps. This is a poem where the content takes over the form. So I would not care very much if the form was perfect.

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

thanks CLeM

i count like a mathematician too, and i really get ten beats per line can you tell me which lines you feel are wrong? i've caught the sonnet bug and would like to be able to write them in correct form. thanks very much for your input lol judy thanks also for the kind words on the content

xena465

16 years 1 month ago

Reminds me

Your poem reminds me of my `Out of Body` experiences that I used to have quite frequently years ago...floating above looking down on life and the people I love, even met with my beautiful cat Cuddles in one of these experiences…brings back wondrous memories of those dreams...lovely. Thank you Judy. Rosina xena465

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

thanks rosina

i'm pretty sure that is what this was too - an OBE. i've carried this memory with me all my life. flying dreams are the closest i've come to an OBE since (except when meditating, and that's different) lol judy

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

I shall not break this one

I shall not break this one up Judy, just incourge you to loose the (a sonnet, I hope) part in your title, and use stanza form. I know that the submitter can cause issue. Loose all first letter caps in your lines too, It is a wonderful poem, and theme. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading a few more sonnets. Julie D.D.

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

thanks DD

i would not have objected to your breaking this one up too. i certainly am not arguing with you with my responses - i've just realised that it might sound as if i am - i really am just trying to get a grip on the metre. i've noticed that all the old sonnets (as with all the old poems) use capitals at the beginning of all lines. i just thought that if i'm sticking to the rules then i should do so too. what do you think? still lose the caps? thanks for your lovely comment lol judy

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

i removed the bracketed from the title

did you mean that i shouldn't call it a sonnet? or were you just talking about the 'I think'? lol judy

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

I am just talking the

I am just talking the brackets and labeling it a sonnet, just own that. It doesn't have to go in the title, it can be a note. But it is your call. I am fond of my first sonnets too! As for the caps at the beginning. I don't like them because thats what word does. But I don't really know. If I find out anything beyond my own preferance I will be sure to pass it on. You got what I meant anyways lovely lady! Julie D.D.

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

hey bud !!!

eph me lordship i am glad you dropped by. and thank you so much for counting my rhyme. sillybulls sillybulls count them i try but those bloody essess are such a crime i don't know whether to count them or not, and then those stupid words ending in ed is it renown'd or is it renown-ed ? now i have gone and muck-ed up me rhyme......... me fingers hurting from doing the count. this really has got out of hand me lud so be a good boy and rescue do mount send for an ambulance to pick me up. but please do sir, before i'm committed give me a chance with anzac submitted. lots of love from your bud duchess judd

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Judd

I cannot comment on the Sonnet side of things but I will say this left me feeling very uneasy love and big hugs JayCee Quote:- It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.---Robert Green Ingersoll

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

uneasy jc ???

in a bad way or in a thoughtful way? not to your liking? love and hugs back at yu judd xxxx

Seren

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Judd

Not totally bad but not comfortable you know ... hmmm I loved the poem it evoked strong emotions and other than the uneasiness its brilliant just cant put my finger on it ... hun I been sick the last couple of days it maybe me I will come back and have another read in the daylight its been a weird week to say the least love and big hugs back atcha JayCee x x x Quote:- It is a thousand times better to have common sense without education than to have education without common sense.---Robert Green Ingersoll

Mariposa

16 years 1 month ago

Left me with a shiver

What gorgeous words, "a smoke face billow" a great zinger of an ending! I loved it, Your friend in pen, Jhena

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

thanks jhena

thanks for the lovely comment love judy

Rob Graber

16 years 1 month ago

Great concluding couplet

I like the point, and the conclusion. I do however find stress awkward in several of the lines. Listen to Not wanting to what? I never have found. and now, to Not wanting to what? I have never found. Read it aloud. Hear how you get "neVER" the first way, "NEver," the second? It's fine to not have the stress alternate perfectly; that would be monotonous. But some variations are more successful than others. I think if you will listen closely to your lines for stress--and not obsess about syllable counts, because it's the music that matters--your sonnets will get even better!

judyanne

16 years 1 month ago

thanks rob

i've changed that line, and line three just one question though when i finally start getting the stress right how many lines would be acceptable out of perfect metre to still be able to claim it as a sonnet? lol judy

Rob Graber

16 years 1 month ago

"Sonnet"

Any poem of approximately fourteen lines is likely to qualify as a "sonnet", depending on context. The meter need not even be iambic pentameter. Of Shakespeare's 154 sonnets, a handful are deviant in meter or rhyme scheme--one or two of them very much so! (e.g., having only twelve lines; being tetrametric rather than pentametric; and so on). Yet nobody says these are not among his "sonnets." The word "sonnet" thus has a broad usage, along with the narrow one that usually does mean fourteen lines in which two quatrains(so-called "English" or "Shakespearean" usually abab cdcd, so-called "Italian" or "Petrarchan" usually abba abba) followed by a sestet (English efef gg, Italian quite variable). Of my 165 Plutonic Sonnets, seven deviate, for various reasons, from ababcdcdefefgg. :-,?