For Him

with a lot of critique to offer. You write so much, you give me so much to work with! That's wonderful! But since this is was a very difficult poem for you, I'm gonna hold my critique 'til you tell me if you want it or not! You're one brave chic, you know that? Kelsey

10.2 = stanza 10, line 2 on that stanza 'words in single quotes like this' are usually my suggested alternatives and "words in double quotes like this" are usually the terms you used in the poem. 2.3- I wouldn't repeat the word heart. 'it' would work fine. 3.2 & 5.3- cut out the word 'even'. Getting rid of words that won't affect the meaning of the poem is key in efficient writing ("less is more"). So also cut out the "Oh's", "just's", "my's", "the's", "and's", "how's" "but's", etc, anywhere that they aren't necessary for the meaning of the line. Example: 7.2- "My sickness beats the hell out of me" means the same as "sickness beats the hell out of me" and 8.3- "How I thank God for the love" means the same as "I thank God for the love" in less words. 10.4 & 17.2- capitalize 'i'. Try using some stronger nouns/adjectives throughout the poem. Mix up your synonyms. Like 'chars' or 'singes' instead of "blackens" on 2.1 and 'suffering' or 'despair' or 'torture' or 'affliction' or 'agony' instead of using "pain" so many times. 12.1- lie--> lay (I think!) Also, you switch verb tenses throughout the poem (going from "Life is" to "I forgot"). Pick one or the other and stick to it. Consistency helps make the poem easier to read. I would suggest deleting all of line 9.4. It doesn't seem to fit the elegant feel of the rest of the poem. Also- who says "bed chambers" anymore? If you want to go for an old fashioned feel, you have to use that kind of language throughout the poem, otherwise, I would stick with modern terms. Again, consistency! I've noticed that you are very brave in what you write about Alice. I think writing must be a kind of therapy for you. The paper is always there to listen, isn't it? I've also noticed that you have a strong sense of story-telling and narrative that runs through your poems. That can be very difficult to work with because you want to put so much into the poem, but it's hard to put a lot into a little bit of space. That's kinda why it took you eighteen stanzas to write this poem! Work on thinking of ways to say the same thing in the least amount of words. The more you can pack a lot of stuff into a smaller space without ruining the poem's meaning, the better. Lastly, think about 'why'? Why is the story in this poem important to you? Why did you chose that word to describe that thing? Why is this word better than a synonym of it? Why did you break that line there and go on to a new one? Why didn't you make that two separate stanzas? Why does that combo of words sound so cool? etc. Doing that can really help you when you revise and when you develop the poem more. Even when it takes ten minutes to write the poem and it flows out really easily, I think there is some part of our mind that wants each little thing in the poem to be written a specific way for a reason: to give the poem deeper meaning. Keep that in mind. "Life is a sickness with no cure" --> WOW. That's one powerful opening! Keep it up girl, I know he would be proud. Kelsey

You notice how some of your lines are really long and some are really short? Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't. Your best bet is to even out your lines lengths. Having a consistent number of syllables in each line (like 5-7 syllables or 10-11 syllables or 2-4 syllables, on each line) helps the flow of the poem a lot. It 'decongests' the poem. You can do this by going line by line and cutting words until you have as many syllables as you want or adding in more line breaks. Example: ""Never do that again, Alana. I love you to much to let you go,”" has 18 syllables! You could divide that into two lines like this: ""Never do that again, Alana. I love you to much to let you go,”" And then the first line would be 9 syllables and the second line would be 9 syllables and it would be much easier for the reader to read smoothly. Or you could cut out syllables and reword it to say something like: "Don't scare me, Alana." which would also be much easier for the reader to read. Also, on that line: "to much" should be 'too much'. I would say your shortest lines are the most powerful ones. You see how that first stanza is so intense but then it burns out a little as the poem goes along and the lines get longer and longer? It seems like your most powerful lines are about 5 syllables each ("life is a sickness", "it blackens my lungs") so try to aim for a maximum of 7 syllables per line. Make lines that are like word-punches at the reader! :) It's also a good idea to try to mix up your stanza lengths (number of lines per stanza). In "Her Death is Coming", you have a line that stands by itself. That really helps the reader keep reading and it can really help make powerful lines stand out. So having more consistent line lengths, but more varied stanza lengths, should help your poetry's flow a ton! Kelsey

and I know pain very well. Pain has come close to making me go over the edge. Friends and poetry kept me from it. I don't call what I have sickness. I have an addiction. She did not call me last night. And I need a fix. Take Care. huey