Neopoet

Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

DawningDaytripper
DawningDaytripper
Apr 10, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Whisper again

Whisper again what you think I should say

your proffered words never come free

tell me again how I push you away
 

What keeps us ticking day after day?

am I standing alone? can you hear me?

whisper again what you think I should say
 

Have we lost our point in our disarray?

blinded by the forest we lost our tree

tell me again how I push you away
 

A never-ending white noise for replay

pawning what was never meant to be

whisper again what you think I should say
 

What price is worth not having to pay?

conjuring a storm from a neutral sea

tell me again how I push you away
 

Sit back still thinking it is fine your way

create and fulfill your own prophecy

whisper again what you think I should say

tell me again how I push you away

— DawningDaytripper, Apr 10, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

More from this author

Critiques

judyanne

judyanne

16 years 2 months ago

i like this DD

i like the title - and its repetition in the poem develops a wistful, longing effect - whisper again, come close again and whisper. love judy
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 2 months ago

Thanks Judy, I am not sure

Thanks Judy, I am not sure you got the intent of the poem. But I much appreaciate the time and read. Whisper again what you think I should say, tell me again how I push you away. its some one else trying to pull the strings, and then blaming the subject for the growing seperation. Julie D.D.
Janice Pearce

Janice Pearce

16 years 2 months ago

Whisper again

Excellent. This brought chills to me when I read it. The repetition added to your poem~ ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 2 months ago

Thanks Janice, I don’t

Thanks Janice, I don't usualy go so heavy with rep, but the form required it. Thanks for making me feel better about it. Much appreciate the time and comment. Julie D.D.
A

anonymous1

16 years 2 months ago

Nice one.

Julie, Well executed villanelle. I only stumble on the last stanza in the second line. For me, it loses impact. Would you consider personalizing it? For instance: though you're the last soul that I want to see or be the last soul my eyes would see Of course, it's all in the way I've interpreted the poem and most likely would change your intent. I'm happy either way. Thanks, Lisa
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 2 months ago

Lisa, I like and will

Lisa, I like and will consider your suggestion. Interpetation will be fine, but I will have to come up with a 10 sylable replacement. Stay tuned. Thanks for your read and comment, much appreaciated. Julie D.D.
A

anonymous1

16 years 1 month ago

There it is...

I like the revision. Lisa
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Hey Shan! Long time no see,

Hey Shan! Long time no see, how ya been? Sorry it took me a while to say Thanks, as always your read is appreaciated and I will pop over and visit you soon. Julie D.D.
D

Debo

16 years 1 month ago

between

you and Ephraim, I'm gonna lose. :P Your's reads so smoothly; you barely even notice the rhyme or the form, 'cause it just melds so well! Stanza 1: Attach--> affix (maybe? perhaps? sounds cool I guess?) listeners--> listeners' Stanza 3: how do you lose a tree? LOL, Julie wins! ;) Stanza 5: Sugar coated--> sugar-coated Stanza 6: self fulfilling--> self-fulfilling This form was so difficult, I think you pulled it off superbly! Kelsey PS: I'm totally logged in on my cousin's account...oops!
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Hold up who made you a

Hold up who made you a judge, I thought yours was great! Why don't we just wait for contest results my dear dark inspiration. And I shall look in to your corrections ASAP! Julie D.D.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

16 years 1 month ago

Suggestions as requested

Julie, As requested I am including some suggestions. These are made for flow and clarity but are just my ideas and you, as the poet, will need to determine their value, if any. Generally there is a good feel to this piece but some of the stanzas had minor stumbles and although I liked the images you were creating, the flow of the poem was difficult in places and I felt asked too much of the reader. My suggestions will be in [brackets] and are mostly just a restating of your intent. I added punctuation since there are questions and I am like that but punctuation is a personal choice as long as the use or lack is consistent. If you have any questions, just let me know. ------------------------------- Whisper again what you think I should say, [your words are proffered but never free], tell me again how I push you away. What keeps me ticking day after day? Is this the way it's supposed to be? Whisper again what you think I should say. Have we lost [our] point in our disarray? [Adrift in the wood we can't see the tree,] tell me again how I push you away. [The same conversation, looped in replay,] [like records abused and played brokenly,] whisper again what you think I should say. [What is the price of not having to pay?] [Candy and kisses are rarely free,] tell me again how I push you away. So boast [anew] and have it your way; [create and fulfill your prophecy.] Whisper again what you think I should say, tell me again how I push you away. -------------------------------------------------------- --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

THANK YOU!! Your a life

THANK YOU!! Your a life saver Jonathan, or more accurately a villanele saver! Thanks! And it may take me a little to incorporate your ideas, but I will do my best. I just love structured poetry it is so freeing. I know only a few nuts like me get it, but... well at least there is a few! I greatly appreaciate the time you put in and your ideas! Julie D.D.
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

OK Kemosabie! I mean

OK Kemosabie! I mean Jonathan, So that was great help I may play with it some more and am still open for advice. I didn't follow your suggestions exactly. You didn't expect me to did you? But I used them to work from and it took it to another level I think. So what do you think of how its layed out now? Do you think the changes I did do took some of the burden off the reader? I certainly feel better about it. And about the forest and tree thing, I guess it is personal. Its meant imply that focus{tree} is lost in the masses {forest}, implying purpose. I will listen more if you don't like it, but... well I do. For me it communicates perfectly. But I do want to know what my reader gets from it. Julie D.D.
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 1 month ago

Hello Julie

I really liked your poem and I am impressed with your attempt at something new for you. I also really like Jonathan's suggestions. Always, Cat
A

anonymous1

16 years 1 month ago

Good Work

And by work I mean the effort that you obviously put into this poem until you arrived at something that is just right. I think you've implemented the suggestions well. To me, this poem is about communication and reminds me of my own struggles with communication early on in my marriage. I would feel that I never said the right thing, never felt the right way and often I would just wish for a script. Great poem. Lisa
DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 1 month ago

Thanks Lisa, that means

Thanks Lisa, that means alot. I see exactly why you relate this poem with a spouse, and in writing it was not afraid to think of it. But truth told I used a couplet from an old poem, my favorite couplet and turned it in to what it is. But in the orgianal poem my subject, not focused but my inspiration at the time was my Mother and everything she thought I should do, and how she would do it. Don't forget how I did it wrong, just the summary though. lol. And then after getting all worked up wondered why me and my brother didn't visit... as often as we could. Because we always played her game, walked on eggshells and worried about upseting her because we couldn't agree. Funny I know. But it definatly applys to any kind of relationship, which is why there is no mention of my Mother. Well that and I still want to live. Please don't tell my Mommy on me! JK Thanks for the read and comment, much appreaciated. Julie D.D.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

16 years 1 month ago

Much smoother

This is a much smoother read for me Julie and I like the way you took my and other suggestions and blended them with consideration and thought and forged revisions. That is what the interplay of critique is all about, listening, considering, and deciding how to proceed. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)