Her death is coming

This is a great poem, I got to the 6th to last stanza then had to stop... I will come and finesh reading it tomorrow...

This is a great poem, wierd coming from me, but suicide is never the answer... I love the poem... Stay strong ~Rain~ There's always a rainbow after the rain...

muahahahahaha! There's gonna be a lot, and I apologize for it! This is a great start, but I tore it apart for critiquing practice. Is that okay, or is this subject too sensitive for you? I know you've got 'knock me on my back', but if I had written this poem, I don't think I wouldn't be brave enough to take a critique on it. Let me know! :) Kelsey

what I gave you on "For Him" is a crap ton of reading. So I think I'm going to give you like one critique a day. That will keep me from overloading you with stuff to read and think about. :) So I'll be back tomorrow, for this poem! Kelsey

I don't want you to explode!

Like with "For Him" even out your syllable counts on each line for consistency and better flow. 7 syllables max seems like a good idea. Either cut syllables out and reword the line or divide lines up. Examples would be 9.5, 2.3, 10.3, 11.4, and 6.5. Also mix up the stanza lengths like with For Him. Also, for all your poems: pick either proper punctuation or proper line capitalization and focus on one. Using both usually overloads the poem. If you can combine one or the other (punctuation or capitalization) with good line breaks (where each line ends and becomes a new line) then that will be enough for good flow, but trying to use a lot of all three is overkill. I can't really give you a good example of the above thing about the punctuation and capitalization because most poets tend to either use both or neither. I can't even find an example of my own work that displays that balance. This is because that thing about all three being overkill is something I just recently realized and haven't really had a chance to put into practice yet. So you could also try using no punctuation or capitalization (except with I and other proper nouns) and see if you like that. But when you write without any punctuation or capitalization your poem's flow totally depends totally on your line breaks. You can't start a new sentence on the same line and you gotta make sure you line doesn't break in a weird spot that would make the reader stumble. Poetry really is a balancing act. UGH!! Also, who is "Her"? You mentioned in your Last Few Words that it could be someone else or it could be your inner self. Not knowing who "her" is might have been your purpose in writing this poem. Maybe you don't want us to know, because it's a sensitive subject for you. But because we don't know who she is, the readers have this disconnect with the poet. If we haven't experienced the feelings you wrote about or we don't know someone who has committed suicide then it's really hard for the reader to understand your feelings and empathize with you. You have to decide if telling us who she is is worth our sympathy or if keeping her identity a secret is more important. 2.1 & 5.2: But,--> But 2.2: worlds--> world's 2.4: "death and killing" is redundant so how about changing that line to 'war and corruption' or just cutting "killing" 2.5: do not--> don't (be consistent: either use contractions (don't/weren't/isn't) or don't!) 4.5: I would consider revising this to something like 'choked on blood-- her's and other's' for better flow. 5.2: what was the unkind word? 5.3: striped--> stripped 5.5: delete "just" (do this throughout the poem with other unnecessary words, like I said in For Him). Same for 9.5 (delete "when"). 6.1: So,--> So 6.5: posses--> possess (posses is the plural of 'posse') 6.5: seeps--> seep (plural nouns go with singular verbs and vise-versa. Like 'she goes' or 'they go'. So 'emotions seep', not 'emotions seeps') That's all folks! ;) Take your time when you go back over these, and remember, you don't have to use all or even ANY of my suggestions if you don't like them! They're just my ideas, if you have your own, use them! In the end, how the poem changes (if it does) is up to you, not me! :) Keep up the beautiful, brave poetry girl! Kelsey

I'm your role model??? Thank you! You are my role model of bravery. I don't think I could manage to carry on with the things you go through when I was your age! *hug* Kelsey