Her Him

A devil in disguise,
Growing through the night.
A fire in her heart,
Yet a feather in her life.
A dream is taken over,
Like dust in a breeze,
A lamp-post struck by lightning,
Fierce fires never freeze.
Her diary slowly speaks,
With letters of his name.
Sketches of his face
Fill her sketchbooks every page.
She dreams about her future,
As she peers across the room,
Picking out her future,
Her future that is him.

— evie.haywood, Apr 06, 2010

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Critiques

Bonitaj

16 years 2 months ago

Evie!

This is so good to start with, the mystery, the magic but for the last 4 lines.... it becomes such an anti-climax!! Love the title everything.... just re-work the ending please IMHO. Thanks so much Bonita j

evie.haywood

16 years 2 months ago

I agree come to think of it:

I agree come to think of it: noted and being worked on. :) Thanks, Evie.

Clem

16 years 2 months ago

Cheers

I really agree with Bonitaj. And here is why: Look at the lines up through line 8. They are full of powerful metaphors – pure poetry. Then you go literal albeit poetically literal. We all do this. I do. It happens for me when I get to thinking “Nobody is going to understand this. It is too symbolical.” Truth is the first half says it much better and more powerfully than the more explanatory second half. Cheers – He is a lucky lad.

evie.haywood

16 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the

Thanks for the input. Completely off topic, we haven't spokenin 3 months and I miss him, you think I should call? Evie