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M

The Yes Men Fix The World -

Their are people living next door
And thier are people living across the world

Many choices of where to get the next score
Home Depot's got what the Boss needs to get that girl

These voices control some more
And repot your old thoughts unfurled

Vice devices at the front door
And merlo waiting at the liqour store till

Tight sizes are hard to endure for sure
But commercials will make you pay the bill

Which in turn makes you take a pill

Humans makin' witches burn in turn makes me ill
My stomach toss and gurn when I hear of evil

Like Mothman inflictin' pain like Dr. Phill

The city of Gotham always rains for pain inflictors to prevail
This shits' got me sicker then a patient with cancer
eating his last meal

The worlds' a human blast feild
Yet, many places with mass appeal

I steal

And reveil these thoughts
Tto release my own plots with no seal

Like a fish caught make you take the deal

You last wish for struture like a keel

I would never dish like an ass archer 'n' kill

Syphilis is a mass morter
- fear it instills

And help fulfills the peers like stears

Shit, many don't hear the queers makin' shed tears
And walk up hill

This is just one example
of one battle

Endured by the rattled
'N' insured like cattle
— mdehe, Mar 29, 2010

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Ladderwords

Ladderwords

16 years 2 months ago

First I have to say, check

First I have to say, check your spelling. In the first stanza "there" is misspelled twice, "Merlot" in the 4th, "churn" in the 7th, "than" in the 9th, "field" in the 10th, "reveal" and "to" in the 11th, "structure" in the 13th, and "steers" in the 16th. I get what you are going for, but I find that the imagery you use does not add anything unique to the equation. The exception to that would be the colorful mention of "Mothman", "Gotham City", and your confusing mention of syphilis, which I can only assume you name as a tool of the "man". I see the first six stanzas as your warm up where you lay down the context for your audience. I think you could slow down the rhythm in this section and set up the atmosphere quicker by combining some of the stanzas. If you increased the tempo in the following stanzas by eliminating some line breaks you would really shove the words into the ears/ eyes of your audience. Towards the end I feel like you lose some direction and steam. I think if you approach this poem for edits, you should invest energy in making the ending more explosive. Cheers