City of SIn

You lie! Ever see *The Crying Game*? ;-) ~A Words must be used like stepping stones: lightly and with nimbleness, because if you step on them too heavily, you incur the danger of falling into the intellectual mire of logic and reason. - Balsekar

I cannot critique if I am laughing this hard Ian ... I promise to bring you back and edit tomorrow its 3.30 I have just a couple of suggestions lol bloody madman cracked me up so bad love and big hugs JayCee x x x (Quote~~"It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree. "--Charles Baudelaire)

The meter and flow succeeded and the discordant nature of the meter, most a beat off, was a good environment for the story in the poem. I have a few flow suggestions, take them for what they are worth. Modifications are [bracketed] and explanations are included below each stanza. ------------------------------------------- It’s often been said, what goes on in our bed Is no one’s concern but we two (Or three, but no more - a disaster with four!) Let me try to explain this to you This story begins in the City of Sins, Where every [known vice] has been tried. In a bar full of thugs, and foul smoke from the drugs, She danced from her pole to my side. -- The word order stumbled for me, revising it felt smoother I noticed her look, like that girl in Tobruk, Where we’d broken the hotel’s best bed. [As] she moistened her lips with her dainty tongue tip, [I shuddered,] craving what lay ahead. -- Minor, just think "as" flows better than "now" -- "Shuddered" creates a feeling of trepidation with disgust rather than desire. Replacing it builds the image better but removes the foreshadowing, by inserting a word like "craving" it maintains the foreshadowing and supports the image. The player-piano was jangling a tango, She was clacking a castanet beat. I snapped her suspender, which twanged like a Fender [Good God], how her body smelled sweet. -- I like the visual in line 3 and feel with the capitilisation it conveys the message. -- Modified line for to build on the image in the latter part of the line We left for her place with a quickening pace, Both knew what would happen that night. Later on, as “she” sobbed, I felt I had been robbed For the truth would have put me to flight. See, we’d rolled into bed, where my actions soon led, To discover this girl was a guy As I brooded a while “she” gave me a shy smile, What the Hell! I’ll just give it a try ! I awoke the next morning with [dreams chiming] warning [Of] last night [and] not usual form. She made ham and eggs, showing rather nice legs I gave in - any port in a storm! -- Line 1 stumbled for me, just trying to smooth it out without loosing the intent of the line -- I felt the link between line 1 and 2 was incomplete and tried the above to bind them more completely -- The "me" felt redundant --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)