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psychotic break

i spoke of a diverging road
of a diverging road i wrote
said i tread the path i dread
told you i'd make it through
but now i'm dead, yes, now i'm dead

lets cum together, in a life so dark
lets ignite the night, and create a spark
as i burn you in the fire we start
we'll rip ourselves apart
as we have sex and chocolate tarts.

an aching spine
a pompous bitch
see, love of mine
this bottomless ditch
i fall as i do
but i'll take you too
lets die together
"together, forever"

you and me, we're meant to be
yada yada yada, and something cheesy
and we end this night on a perfect note
as you stab my back as i slit your throat
ah! to us, i dedicate this ode
a diverging road, yes, a motherfucking road.

you will die, just as i did
a painful cry for a spineless bitch
a road to no end as i start again
on the path to the start where i began
talk to me in riddles as i do you for it
stare at me in wonder, i really don't give a shit
don't have much to live for,
lets just die and get it over with.

so i shall sum it up, love of mine
your temptation is a wonder, your love divine
your heat makes me sweat, be it a lie
whatever.
so lets get high and die.
together, forever.



— dhruv, Mar 22, 2010

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Country/Region: IND

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Critiques

dhruv

dhruv

16 years ago

:P

short and crisp. :P
Beauregard

Beauregard

16 years 2 months ago

nothing is too vulgar here

Some members like to include warnings in their titles, to protect 'innocent' minds, but that is certainly not a requirement. I guess they don't see the media kids are exposed to every day! TV shows and music videos are much 'worse' than this on a regular basis. A motherfucking road! I love that!! Usually I would leave a critique and tell you to create a balance between your grammar and punctuation, but it's apparent to me that you know what you are doing and the lack of proper mechanics makes this poem very raw and intense, so I can't offer any suggestions on that. However, I do have one suggestion. Stanza 2: sex and chocolate--> sex with chocolate or sex then chocolate (something about the word 'and' doesn't sound right to me in that line) Kelsey
dhruv

dhruv

16 years ago

i know what you mean

i sure as hell understand where you're coming from. but i thought i'd include it anywhere, as this place helps me blow off steam better than i can anywhere else. would suck to lose that. and about your suggestion about stanza 2.. yeah i think i know what you mean. but sex "with" chocolate tarts would just change the meaning altogether. i shall think of something and put it up as soon as i can come up with an apt replacement. thanks for your comments. the lack of mechanics at certain points are definitely intentional. the use of the word "cum" instead of "come", for example. i could've changed it, but i guess a part of me just didn't want to. its funny what different moods can do to a person though, isn't it? :P
Professor Purple

Professor Purple

16 years ago

Woa! Real damn good! I read

Woa! Real damn good! I read it a few times, the last times looking for something to improve, without success. So I'll focus on what I especially like: the stark contrasts. Like death-life, pleasure-death, love-murderous anger. The breaks in the pattern accentuate that, too. Thanks for a very pleasant read! Prof. P.
dhruv

dhruv

16 years ago

the biggest contrast here is

the biggest contrast here is that a poem that talks about this murderous love is a pleasant read. was exactly what i set out to accomplish. thanks for your comments :)