I hate it.

I don't want to feel this way
I don't want to be in pain
And I Don't want to feel sick when I think of you.
I don't want to have loved you.
I don't want your face to have made me weak.
I don't want you to be the one I remember when I'm old
Or the one I have to refer to when I'm asked about my first real boyfriend.
I don't want to have cared about you
And I hate that I did.
I hate that I was already jealous or you're next girlfriend before you even met.
I hate that when I saw you I couldn't see anything else.
I hate that there are still days where everything I do reminds me of you
And I hate that after all the times you hurt me I could still forgive you.
I hate that I have to know you and I've never wanted a time machine more.
But most of all I hate that if you kissed me right now,
I wouldn't even flinch.