doorman

Mar 03, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Pour until the paper floats

A crumpled note, and a name

from no one, nothing

You old know, so with seasoned

smiles fold your hands

and count the absent

''Bless the Queen, the Queen is

dead!'' And wiped

mouths sang the wish for more,

and mourned The

Feudal States of Europe

Purple dawns, our family colours

I retire my hands

from the greed of dogs, undone

Mother,- rain away

smooth cobblestone

Rain on busy harbour streets of

St. Ives, on aquarelle

greens, in tinted skies, and rest

There was a name

we all called home

— doorman, Mar 03, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: NOR

Critiques

Seren

16 years 3 months ago

Espen

Wistful and beautiful ... only had one pick leading from the second to third line it baulked me had to read that bit a couple of times for it to sink lol but that could be my read hun love and hugs Jayne-Chloe

doorman

16 years 3 months ago

Thank you so much for

Thank you so much for reading this, Jayne-Chloe. I've worked quite intensely with it for the last two days, but I still feel there's a splinter missing. I'll let it breathe a little,- need some distance. Thanks for your response to the second-to-third line break. If you don't mind I'll call on you should I change anything. Yours, Espen.

Seren

16 years 3 months ago

Espen

You welcome to Holler at me if and when needs be I loved this one I thought anna had a good point as well ... Love and hugs Jayne-Chloe

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

…from dogs greed undone…

...from dogs greed undone... perhaps? How about *pour down* on busy streets? The Doorman always opening doors... ~A "If parents really would love their children there would no longer be any war." J. Krishnamurti

doorman

16 years 3 months ago

Dear Anna

'Undone' should come at the end, yes. From 'Rain' to 'Pour' is interesting,- I used to be very conscious about not repeating words in the same write, but a little caught up on T.S. Eliot these days, and he doesn't seem to care about that at all.. So, I'm trying to take it to heart and rid myself of the hangup. 'Pour down on busy streets' makes more sense, in a way, but I wanted to stress the reference to my mother in the last stanza. As it starts off with 'Mother,- rain away the smooth cobblestones' in the one before, it continues the appeal to 'rain' on all else, too. It might not work the way I intended it to, so if I'm not making sense here, just shoot. Thank you for reading. Yours, Espen.

sunscreen

16 years 3 months ago

A lot said with so little I

A lot said with so little I admire your style, very nice, I have nothing to add, just giving my admiration. :)

doorman

16 years 3 months ago

Thanks!

Good of you to drop by, man. Regards, Espen.

Ink Dragon

16 years 3 months ago

Dear Espen,

paper is a wonderful thing to write about, so many connotations. Mine are a little jumbled, I think of making paper (with lots of water), of paper lanterns, of sketching and - of course - writing. Your take on it is fresh and original - as I've come to expect from our doorman. I had some trouble with the first stanza, methinks a comma or two might fix that: A crumpled note, and a name from no one, nothing You old know, so with seasoned (!) smiles, fold your hands and count the absent These were my favourite lines: Mother,- rain away the smooth cobblestone Rain on busy harbour streets of St. Ives, on aquarelle greens, in tinted skies, and rest There was a name we all called home The dog line... I spontaneously thought of changing it to "from the greed of dogs undone", but don't know if that still says what you meant to say (?). Yours, ~Nina P.S. Updated the drowning poem :)

doorman

16 years 3 months ago

Dear Nina

Now, it's always interesting to hear thoughts, and yours were contemplative, indeed. This write has a lot of family in it. A poem to my mother, a very powerful woman who was betrayed, and suffered a lot for it. After she passed, there was nothing left to hold the family together, and chaos followed,- in the Greek sense. My mother was a brilliant painter, and had a most sensitive touch for pencil drawings and watercolours, and there are some direct references to that, but your comment made me see that more of this has seeped through, unintentionally. For me, the write has grown emotionally, and I thank you for that. Thanks too for the technical suggestions. Yours, Espen.

magics02

16 years 3 months ago

Lovely as the picture it reads

Espen Really liked the picture this one presented to my mind, Great piece again dear friend. Love In Friendship Always xoxoxo magics02 Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.