Unnecessary Words

I dont think I have ever visited you but I have to say I am glad I did, This poem is just beautiful. I went in flight with this one as I felt in so deeply and profoundly. My name is Magics02 real name is Mona and nice to meet you. Great poem I nominated you Learn to live, learn to forgive. Life is too short.

It's the real things of life, like those smiles and kisses and returning home to someone that make life living. Beautiful poem through and through, Jess. Loved the *unreal* parts of your poem, wondrous evocative imagination. What we wouldn't do for love, eh? ~A "If parents really would love their children there would no longer be any war." J. Krishnamurti

I know the kind of love you have. I am one of the fortunate. Thanks for reminding me of this. Lovely poem. The title isn't bad. Love, Cat

Tenderly written, thought provoking, and ever so beautiful! You've weaved a magic web of 'love-stuff' here, Jess, and I humbly bow to your talents!

I like this a lot. Good rhythm, excellent cadence, and I love the little mue of frustration on the part of the writer that I felt, and how it just disappeared into the last line. Title is OK. To hell with microbiology facts: keep writing poetry, lol. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

How about using a song lyric for a title: "words is all I have to take your heart away." It seems to go with your poem. I can hear it as a melody. Or some variation thereof... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M92QzPjgbag ~A "If parents really would love their children there would no longer be any war." J. Krishnamurti

Finally getting to this and I apologize for the delay. I've been feeling poorly for a while now and have not been in a state of mind to provide responsible or worthwhile critique. Firstly, I like the message of this piece. Per your request I am offering some suggestions including a different title. These are, of course, only suggestions. Feel free to embrace, be inspired, or ignore any and all at your discretion. I'll post my take on the poem and them offer a line by line explanation of my motivation for the suggestions. ------------------------ Cuneiforms in Retrospect 01 I [put] a note in your lunch today 02 but in your hurry, it [was abandoned] on the counter 03 I gave some money to the DOT folks 04 in exchange for allowing me to write 05 “I love you, Jon.” on their light-board 06 But you [took an alternate route] home 07 I tried to rent a plane 08 and sky-write my love on a canvas of blue 09 but the engine [was under repair] 10 [I wanted to tie] a little note for you 11 to a sparrow’s leg 12 but she said that her chicks were calling her 13 and she could not [accomplish the mission] 14 And yet this evening, when I came home 15 I smiled and gave you a little kiss 16 on the tip of your nose 17 your grin, and “I love you, too.” 18 made up for my [wayward] words ------------------------------ 01 - "left" is a passive word while "put" is an active word and based on the rest of your poem, your actions were active so i wanted this to set the tone immediately 02 - This is dicey. There is nothing wrong with "left" in this line. I went for a more dramatic phrase to set expectations so that the ending of the poem was more of a relief 06 - I am just extending the image here. The rest of the stanza has a road-work motif and I felt extending it added to this as well as enhancing the abandonment message in the 1st stanza 09 - Here I was looking to create a bit more tension and felt "under repair" was a stronger image 10 - I changed the line order for flow reasons and substituted "tied" for "taped" because I liked that image better and wanted to build on it later in the stanza 13 - With "tied" in line 10, "accomplish the mission" here gives the stanza a "communication in time of conflict" feel thus enhancing tension 18 - We've spent the entire piece characterising the feel of the poem one way and by using "wayward" we finish the explanation that it was not as we thought. "Wayward" is more "misplaced" than "lost" and has a softer resolution and invites the reader to remember their own circumstances rather than merely witness ours. As for the title, and I saved the explanation of it for last purposely. Cuneiforms are real characters that have real meanings but few are those who can read them without aid. I felt something in this vein would pique interest in the poem without stating the theme overtly. Upon finishing the read the title goes from "interesting" to "OH! Got it!" Take any, all, or none, as you desire and be well. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

After reading this a couple of times I really dont see many flow problems though i do like a couple of Jonathans idea's ... the title doesnt do it for me either I will be honest with you, I will have a think later after dinner and see if I cant come up with some alternatives for this one ... Really good to see you posting again I missed this one so sorry for my lateness love Jayne-Chloe x