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S
sha_onarainyday
Feb 23, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

So Long My Darlings

So long my darlings.

I have made my final notes

and, remembering you well,

(with happy quirks, subtle smiles,

and supplications for your faults)

have longed to let you live

and linger here the more

with me on lazy nights

-to leave more inky, diffuse

smudges on my hands,

but I see now that we must part.

In flames I see you struggle

and give way like brittle

memories of dreams.

And so it goes.

So long to dreams and

the fresh scribbled promises I made

in days when I was well.

By now you know that

life is messy and inarticulate.

By now we know to pray not to one god

but to any gods that will listen.

To the sea now

I see myself departing.

No past lovers nor

ashen particles left

of unsuccessful thought

shall keep me from new shores.

I shall learn to write my name in water

so any god who rests beneath

the break of waves

might feel my name drift down

to his full lips

and give his blessing.


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Country/Region: USA

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Comments

B

bjp

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Sha

This is a draft of a potentially superb poem. Olya and I have been discussing it. We, of course, remain unsure to whom goodbye is being said: perhaps children; perhaps old loves ("the supplications for your faults" and the all male gods are the drivers of the latter possibility). We don't think it matters that there remains a mystery concerning the object of the antagonist's affections. The phase "supplications for your faults" leaves unclear who was giving the supplications. If it is the not-faulty person, which is an easy way of reading it, then supplications would not be the correct terminology. Therefore, it is likely the faulty person who made the supplications. You may wish to strengthen this conclusion so it need not be worked out logically but be obvious on a casual reading. The inky smudges seem to go with letter writing but the context leaves the reader guessing again how this ties in with the object of affection. Personally, I have a great aversion to any flames most anywhere. But this is my personal bias. Did you intend to say, "I sea (rather than 'see') myself departing"? On the following lines, No past lovers nor ashen particles left of unsuccessful thought shall keep me from new shores. consider, No past lovers nor ashen particles of unsuccessful thought shall keep me from new shores. or, No past lovers nor ashen particles of unsuccessful thought left to keep me from new shores. We think that you can go on a bit more. The poem seems to dangle at its end. As normal for you, Sha, the writing is intelligent and provocative. You have a sleeping genius for writing that needs to hear its own provocative echo more to stay in the groove of magic. Brian
S

sha_onarainyday

16 years 2 months ago

Thanks to you Brian and Olya

Thanks to you Brian and Olya reading and commenting. You remain my biggest, if not only, fans :) Well, now I've created all this mystery I hate to give it away. But I did leave clues here and there. I don't know if the real meaning will retract from your initial positive review, but for the sake of my poem I will go on. Goodbye is being said to words. Words that don't fit, poems too sincere, and the pages and pages that will never be seen again. This poem is inspired by the quote "Kill your darlings" which has been attributed to many different authors and Keats' epitaph "Here lies one whose name was writ in water." I don't know if supplications the right word. Prayers might work too. That second sea is definitely a typo. No past lovers nor ashen particles of unsuccessful thought shall keep me from new shores. <-- I like this one I think i left the "left" in because that's what's literally left in the fire when all the papers have burned up. I agree the ending needs something. It needs to strengthen the rest as well as pull it all together. Thanks again, Sha
S

Stuart Reiss

16 years 2 months ago

No past lovers norashen

No past lovers nor ashen particles left of unsuccessful thought shall keep me from new shores. Hi Sha.. really liked this one and the lines below really stood out for me I shall learn to write my name in water so any god who rests beneath the break of waves might feel my name drift down to his full lips Well done... Best regards Stu :-)