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ID
Ink Dragon
Feb 14, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Drown (with doorman's version)

Drown (deeper and deeper)

velvet liquid levitates silken hair
I breathe under water

maelstrom mouth sucks me in
I breathe in water

scream spheres burst too soon
I breathe water

not a ripple stirs the surface
I become water

and drown
deeper
and deeper

Deeper (a là doorman)

Velvet liquid lifts my silken hair
I’m under water
Maelstrom mouth swallows, pulls
I breathe, scream bursts too soon
Breathe,- not a ripple stirs the pool
I’m water
Sinking into mute gloom


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DawningDaytripper

DawningDaytripper

16 years 2 months ago

Very intense Nina, I drowned

Very intense Nina, I drowned with you. I have mixed feelings about that, but certainly a stellar write and read! But do you really have to start your 9th and llth line with and? Julie D.D.
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Julie,

thank you for pointing this out. I said I am struggling with this one, didn't I? There are so many foul compromises, the and is just one of them. This is certainly not the final version. Yours, ~Nina
Seren

Seren

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Nina

I really loved this one ... I would like to have a crack at an edit ... so I will wait on word for you and if you dont mind ?? 'maelstrom mouth sucks me in' I thought of am alternative for the third line mouths that vortex suck me in just an idea of where I might take it ... I am bored yes lol love and big hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Jayne,

vortex, I like that! Any and all ideas are appreciated, much. Thanks! (hugs) Yours, ~Nina
kaligantsaros

kaligantsaros

16 years 2 months ago

Ironic Flailing..

Perhaps this write is actually a poetic drowning and your words are merely the water the structure pace and feel ....the flailing. Write as you feel , breathe the water and drown let go of this and feel the peace of passing over. Kal
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Theo,

you may be right. The struggle may be inherent in this piece. Thank you for your kind words, all of them. Yours, ~Nina
whitetea

whitetea

16 years 2 months ago

Here is an odd piece of

Here is an odd piece of info- some people experience a thrill right before drowning, comparable to an orgasm. I never understood that. Great piece.
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear whitetea,

I can't believe you said that! My first draft actually read: Drown (deeper and deeper) velvet liquid tugs silken hair I breathe under water maelstrom mouth sucks milky skin I breathe in water dreamy screams bubble to climax I breathe water on the surface, not a ripple I become water and drown deeper and deeper And I honestly didn't know about the orgasmic feeling... poetry moves in mysterious ways... Yours, ~Nina
S

Stefan

16 years 2 months ago

hi

May i change th order of the poem, just an idea. scream spheres burst too soon (able to scream) I breathe water maelstrom mouth sucks me in (then sucked in) I breathe in water velvet liquid levitates silken hair (lay still in water) I breathe under water not a ripple stirs the surface (dead) I become water and drown deeper and deeper Does it make any sence ............
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Hi Stefan,

I guess we all have our own visions of drowning... Mine was like this: I sink (hair floats) the water is stronger than I am (I am sucked in) I try to scream, but only bubbles escape from my mouth (hence "burst too soon) my screams never reach the surface (no ripples) Does it make more sense to you now? But your point is duly noted. This one isn't complete yet. Yours, ~Nina
S

Stefan

16 years 2 months ago

Nina

thank you, clearly understood. that makes a lot of sense. Great poem.
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

16 years 2 months ago

precious sorgenkind...

the first version was already great but I love how it reads now the scream spheres, liquid levitates the pictures it paints are as vivid as the poem is short and that's the art. your Proprietress
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

My sweet proprietress

you helped me with this. Do I still have to worry about this child? I think not. But I see two or three little spots that I might come back to... your help, as always, will be more than welcome, my muse. Yours, ~Nina
O

Orphani

16 years 2 months ago

I saw the drowning as a

I saw the drowning as a metaphor for being made love to, and falling in love. The loss of control, the sinking, it all fits, and I think it's perfect just as is. B
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Barry,

you are very observant. Thank you, and it is good to have you back here. Yours, ~Nina
doorman

doorman

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Nina

A pleasure to suggest on your sublime theme, Nina. And humbled by your gesture, of course. Thank you. Yours, Espen.
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

Dear Espen,

your rewrite left me with nothing to suggest or change, so I couldn't have taken credit for the outcome. Glad to share my page with you. Yours, ~Nina
Seren

Seren

16 years 2 months ago

Nina and Espen applause …

Nina and Espen applause ... I love it when two writers come together and make poetic music together ... I sometimes think its one of the gifts of being here ... like minded souls who would otherwise never meet love and hugs oh and BOW Jayne-Chloe
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 2 months ago

~bow~

to Jayne and her wise words. love&hugs Yours, ~Nina