Pugilist

Feb 15, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

There Upon a Dismal Day

There Upon a Dismal Day

I looked into a
Well of Souls
and all I saw
was silt
A permafrost
of tedium
and
shite
encrusted
guilt

-------------------------------------------------

This is an example of a February contest entry. The question is, did I violate the rules? If so, how did I violate the rules?

I would be interested in a discussion of why I may or may not have violated the rules. Oh, and comments on the poem are welcome as well.

Harsh critique is most appreciated but if you are not comfortable with that, please at least tell me why you did or did not like the poem. My ego does not require reflex praise to get through the day and while I believe this poem of mine is mostly solid, I am not pretending it is a great or thoughtful piece.

So if you comment and like or dislike something, tell me what it is, I beg you. I'm only here for the workshop.

— Pugilist, Feb 15, 2010

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

Kailashana

16 years 3 months ago

My only critique, is why the

My only critique, is why the e at the end of shit(e)? Is that like an extra u in humour or honour? Lol. the dirt was overwhelming so i resorted to what i never did as a child: i made mud pies. want some? ~A

Jonathan Moore

16 years 3 months ago

"Shite"

I have an affection for UK words and many times prefer the look and feel of them in my writing. As for mud pies, one of my earliest memories is sharing dirt clods with my younger brother but that was 47ish years ago and now I prefer my mud in different venues. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

poewriter58

16 years 3 months ago

Jon

I think this is an example of a qualifying poem you sayed within the character count silt is dirt however I do not see where you actually stuck to the topic in that you went off on guilt more than the dirt itself good poem though it is good to see you posting even if it is just an example. Chrys

orgami

16 years 3 months ago

change

i want to change the last "permafrost tedium encrusted with guilt shit" Wells so important now its all drilled stuff and municipal but to me as a kid teen adult they are were magical spiritual things I dug out a few in my traveller rouge days strange how maintenance gets overlooked in all aspects paint peels verandahs sag wells fill up like love gathering bitterness behind the rotting curtians darkness swirls like the yellow eyed television sullen I very much like your poetry will come back later thank you

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

Silt is not dirt

dirt, dirty "that dirty whore" "that dirty dog" on and on.. silt may be a part of soil which forms in the ground (and sometimes other places) not dirt please. I spent 6 years in the nature field (hands on work but what could I know) there is also "synthetic soil" "rich soil" .. Mark "some are born to sweet delight, some are born to endless night"

Arrow

16 years 3 months ago

Violator!

While I agree with Mark that silt is not dirt, I would not disqualify this on the basis of what I think is innocent error and hairsplitting. However, I would disqualify this because while you mention silt and permafrost, the topic of this poem is souls. Mentioning dirt does not make it about dirt; it is a way of describing the souls. As for the poem itself: I don't find anything wrong with it but I wonder what the point was, i.e., I don't feel I gained by reading it. I'm left asking - And? This second comment is more one of preference but I dislike one-word lines. I find reading a series of them like water-torture. I would have preferred: "and shite-encrusted guilt" I hope this was not abusive but, instead, simply frank.

Jonathan Moore

16 years 3 months ago

Good points

Both Mark and Arrow make good points and I will never complain about frankness. To be honest, free-form is not my normal theatre of operation when it comes to writing, and I probably over-"free"'d it but none of these was why I thought it was in violation. I could make the argument that Subject=dirt can include anything as long as dirt is mentioned, but that is a stretch and Arrow is correct, the subject of this poem does not abide by the intent of the contest. I would argue that "silt" and "dirt" are synonymous for creative purposes. But here is the real reason why I believe the poem violates the contest rules: There Upon a Dismal Day I looked into a Well of Souls and all I saw was silt A permafrost of tedium and shite encrusted guilt ------------------------------ I wrote in 8/6, X/A meter and rhyme scheme and then broke the lines to pretend it was free verse. And I did not do this just to be an asshole. I did it because does free verse mean free or does it mean repeated meter and rhyme must be excluded? If the later, as has been the representation made to me on many occasions by many people, then there is nothing free about free verse, it's just one more artificial constraint put in place for which people will substitute adherence for thought. Rest assured though, I am still an asshole. You opinions and comments are welcome. Mine are not presented as anything but my own opinions. Any representation by anyone of anything else is their insecurity speaking. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Arrow

16 years 3 months ago

I suspected your point was the meter/rhyme.

Clearly, you wrote a structured poem. I still consider it free as I didn't recognize a traditionally defined form such as ballad, sonnet, haiku, pantoum, etc. I classify my poetry as free if it doesn't fit a traditionally defined form even if it has a clear form and rhyme scheme. There must be some textbook definition of free verse we can latch on to if we must.

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

Jon..

Was it written freely? Did you stop and think all those things? If rhyme happens to fall in a place where rhyme can be felt (without plan) is it structured? Some say they write from the heart and if the write was freely witten I can feel that it was. If I were to do as they say edit into a form or add sensible rhyme did it lose its freedom? I like the challenge of form and rhyme. Is any of it really poetry? sound, rhyme (words dont need to sound alike do they?) there is rhyme in rhythm is there not? Concentration in language and sound or words that suggest some sound. Not to stray into what is a poem but freestyle is free from beginning to end yes? So a freestylist may be so much a poet as the freestylist who works the words to his / her goal. I have this feeling that there are freestylists and wordsmiths, that they are two different breeds of poet in the same pond. Hopefully I'm not making too much an ass of myself as I knew nothing of the contest before I landed here. Mark "don't ask me about poetry I'm just a poet"

Tam the Chanter

16 years 3 months ago

tuppence worth

Jon, I suspected some kind of classic form as I read it. I liked the piece, so it couldn't have been freeform!. In the old country "shit" or "shite" are iterchangeable, although the former is used more as a verb. On occasion I have used both to describe my poetry. Regards Ian