Autumn meadow (revised)

I enjoyed your fanciful expression of words, however, the descriptions were punctuated by commonly used adjectives. If it is merely meant to be a gay and playful arrangement, then you have succeeded. I often keep my words and my meanings simple and straight forward also. I'll make an effort to read those of your poems that have gotten by me. PINT :)

But it needs work, as can be seen in the first lines... "A blaze of fire ribbon, all shimmer dancing a mesmerize, time all stood still, breath all caught, i stare at your hurting eyes wonder, reaching into me," I can see where you're trying to take the meaning, and it works, but you should revise your word use as much as possible. "all shimmer dancing a mesmerize", for example "all shimmers dancing mesmerized" or "shimmers all dancing mesmerized" or maybe "dancing shimmers mesmerizing" something like that? I often have this problem, where I write a line, get the meaning that I want, but then find that the line is too long, or contains words that don't really need to be there. What I do is write down the line, then underneath it write an alternative line that has the same general meaning, then another, then another, until I have what I need to replace the line in question. Another trick that I often use is removing superfluous words like "all" and "an(d)" and "the" from the poem, and then editing the lines so that those words are no longer needed. It's something that I do quite a bit, and I find that doing so often gives a poem extra focus and impact. Also, edit for tense..."time all STOOD still" is past tense, and does not fit with the present tense of the rest of the poem. And punctuation: "i stare at your hurting eyes wonder, reaching into me," should it be "I stare at your hurting eyes' wonder, reaching into me" or perhaps "I stare at your hurting eyes, wonder reaching into me"? something like that. I like the second part more than the first, although the atmosphere of the first part is more powerful. The second part seems more polished though, it has more vivid imagery, and flows much better than the first, although it too needs some editing. I hope this helps, and I look forward to your edit, because I enjoyed the atmosphere of this poem, and its imagery, very much, and frankly, with a bit of work I'd give this more stars. Work on this, and keep writing! Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race