Headbanger

Getting in the poem's head a minute, it holds together rhythmically and with its tone, but the conceit in the poem is flawed. It contradicts its own logic. Explaining: You can write me a poem where clouds are used as currency, or monkeys rule nations, or verbs drink a pint of Guiness. I'll buy in, if you establish that as the poem's reality. But the narrator in this poem actually does know why the headbanger bangs her head: L5-L6, and the voices. So, rewrite as: This is why, She beats her head, This is why, She tears her hair, Don’t know why she feels, So dead.. ‘Can’t talk to you, The voices reign, Their caustic stains, Pollute my brain..’ Or better, investigate why she feels dead. Answer that question, that's where your poem is, not in the action of the banging, but the motivation of the urge to hurt herself to feel something or shut up the voices. Also, there is a change in point of view in the poem that's not clear: From the observer of "she," to the speaker of "my" in the last line. Who is banging her head? Are you trying to establish a split consciousness over the same person? That's a worthy subject, but not well-executed here if that's the intent. You have enough skill to rewrite this or start fresh. Go for it. A good way to explore this is to freewrite about the idea for 15 minutes or so (write without thinking about what you are writing) then look at your copy. What emerged? Some new images, insight? More related poems?

I think it's a worthy subject you understand and should fight for. No apology needed. That's what the site is for, working things out. I like short poems, but you probably need more room to get all that in dramatically. Maybe take a piece of it and make it work one piece at a time. Try adopting one person's point of view, instead of being omniscient.

It's not easy to cope with a loved one constantly hurting herself...banging her head, not understanding why, or how to help. I like the way Nicole re-arranged it. It's the same poem but reads much better. Rosina xena465