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L
Lunegirl
Feb 05, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Tea time (revised)

Chocolate chili fingers the sun
whilst warmed honey streaks
orange marmalade drips
into his blaze
creating quivering mass's of segments
melting to pooled sticky syrup,
vibrating ambivalently above; 
 

sweet  vanilla moon
getting her kicks from 
violet creams caresse's
while burnt coffee stroke's
blueberry tickles with whispers
into jellied ears,
beings of the twilight
taste each other 

The maid squeaks
watching;  guests suckling dribbled honey finger tips
soon to ravish
and quieten her sueaks

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Mark

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

I can just say

If I am in this place .. I WANT A MAID honey! ( ;)=]\____ Mark "some things change, some things do not"
L

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

I think the maid fainted

I think the maid fainted from the improprioty lol vix Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes
Mark

Mark

16 years 3 months ago

oops

Mark "some things change, some things do not"
Seren

Seren

16 years 3 months ago

Loved it Vix … I can see

Loved it Vix ... I can see you've been working on this one lovely love and biggest hugs Jayne-Chloe x x x
L

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Hey J-CI hope your fingers

Hey J-C I hope your fingers have been resting this week!! thanks for reading, more lighter stuff coming soon ; ) love vix xx Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 3 months ago

hello Vicki

This one felt breezy light. Now you've gone and made me hungry. I hope the maid gets over it. LOL! Always, Cat
L

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Thankyou cat, im glad it

Thankyou cat, im glad it blew a smile your way ; ) vix Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes
professor

professor

16 years 3 months ago

Hi Vicki

Sounds like quite a tea-time spread round yours lol. Despite some interesting and powerful images you have created in the poem its does not gel for me quite as it should. Your ingredients, as it were, did not end up baking the perfect cake. If I go through it verse by verse: In the first verse I feel the second line jars and for me it is an uncomfortable image of burnt streaks of mustard that just does not compliment the more succulent first and third lines. The last two lines might also be slightly re-arranged to flow better and I assume the first line of the next verse was supposed to be part of it: How about: Chocolate chili fingers the sun orange marmalade drips into his blaze creating quivering segments pooled into sticky syrup, vibrating ambivalently. In the next verse again a small amount of pruning can assist the flow Getting her kicks sweet vanilla moon's violet cream caresses while burnt coffee strokes and blueberry whispers trickle into jellied ears as twilight beings taste each other. And finally the last verse falls away rather and needs a rethink in my opinion...especially the last line. May be: The watching maid squeaks, her guests sucking dribbled-honey finger tips, their ravishing cries feeding her alarm with sticky smiles and jam-streaked lips. sorry got a bit carried away there with those remembered tea-time debacles lol. Anyway hope this is of some help. Best wishes Keith
L

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

Hello Keithits lovely to

Hello Keith its lovely to have you back, i know what you mean about the mustard, i wasn't sure about that food either. I like what you have done with most of the lines, i will have another look again and do a last revision, thankyou for taking the time to feedback vixy Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes
S

Stefan

16 years 3 months ago

wow

Really made me think, great play of words, well done.
L

Lunegirl

16 years 3 months ago

thankyou, where is that

thankyou, where is that picture from? what an amazing veiw vix Optimism in adversity nutures positive outcomes